Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

One from middle school: It's hard to beat a hard boiled egg in the morning.

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane ?
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer
and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's
arm.
The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a
moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to **** all over the place.
The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent 'What's going on?' The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb !'

And the insomniac dyslexic agnostic , who lay awake at night worrying if there was a dog.

oooh a fellow boltoner, thought i was the last of a dyin breed lol, how do? x

Maybe you two can come together and do the Boltonian Bounce.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tW4VlqUlCrI

There's a faux traffic sign here on the toilet that says:

A man went to a ball game, purchased a hot dog, a beer, and some peanuts. He had just sat down and gotten comfortable when he heard someone yell, "hey Steve." He put down the beer, the hot dog and the peanuts, stood up, looked around and didn't see anyone he knew. He sat down,, got all his food adjusted when someone yelled, "hey Steve." He went through all the same motions, didn't se anyone he knew, and sat down again. Just then, someone yelled, "hey Steve."
This time he put everything down, stood up and screamed, " Goddammit, my name's not Steve!"

fellow was standing in the lake with the water up to his neck shoutinng : " HELP - HELP ! " .
guy on the shore sees him , shakes his head and says : " your head is still above water , why are you shouting for help ? " .
fellow in the water : " well , i'm standing on my wife's shoulders - HELP ! " .

This would be bigoted of me if it didn't really happen.

I was at my bank today; there was a
short line. Just one lady in front of me,
an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen
for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
'Fluctuations.'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with
great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to
make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed,
'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

here is an old german-austrian joke (translated poorly) .
count bobby's best friend is duke ferdie .
count bobby tells his mum , the countess : "mother , i really love ferdie and i want to marry him ! "
the countess faints and when she comes to , bobby repeats his love story .
the countess- faintly : "but bobby , it is not permissable for you to marry ferdie " .
bobbie : "mother , dear mother , i really love ferdie . why can't i marry him ? " .
countess : "bobby , your friend ferdie is a protestant and the pope will never allow a catholic to marry a protestant . "

did i offend enough people ?

Seamus And Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them,
they could only raise the staggering Sum of one Euro..

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have An idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me...'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've gone and lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'Oh Jayzuss, I can't remember which pub I lost the sausage in...'

***

The Global Facts ...At Any Given Moment:FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: 1 old timer is reading emails. You hang in there Sunshine.......

Well, Edgar, at least your fourth fact is right.

I don't write 'em; I just cut and paste 'em.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT
A man returns home a day early from a long weekend of golf. It's after midnight. While on route home he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees..

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and here is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season rugby tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly
rent!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabbie replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives from
the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then
jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the balls, sticks it in his mouth,
and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in
sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the
man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. Then he finds
a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them
out, then ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything
in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures
everything first."

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blond walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies "No; what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.

"May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "You've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month and I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"

On my 61st birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!