hey dad pad, im back
a duck is about to cross the road when a chicken comes up next to him and says, "trust me buddy, if you cross that road you will never hear the end of it"
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen'...
***
Last night I played poker with a deck of Tarot cards...
Got a full house - three of my friends died.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.
The bartender takes one look at him and says, "Sir, are you aware that you have a steering wheel extending from your crotch?"
The pirate glances down and replies, "Arrrgh! It's driving me nuts..."
***
@Region Philbis,
Go to your room, Region. No television for you tonight.
What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
Lefty.
@Cotmweasele,
how does bob marley like his donuts?
wi jammin!
what do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
a wooly jumper!
what do you call a gingerbread man with one leg?
limp biscuit!
englishman, irishman and scotsman are in a bar
each orders a pint of guinness and as the pints are pulled a fly lands in each glass
the englishman is disgusted an requests another drink
the scotsman fishes out the fly shrugs and drinks
the irishman grips the fly by its wings shakes it and shouts "spit it out you thieving bastard!!! spit it out!"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor told the wife, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.
"You're going to die," she replied.
@Tai Chi,
Three men were holidaying in Thailand and decide to visit a local brothel. They were told the price they'd pay would be three times the length of their penis.
Afterwards the first fella complained he'd had to pay $36. The second bloke said he paid $30 while the third fella smiled and said he'd paid only $9.
"How come?" they asked.
"Well, you see, after thinking about it, I decided to pay on the way out!"
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
@Mame,
what's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
the taste...
DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."
***
@Mame,
one orange met another orange and said, you are so round!
(heard from a 6 year old)
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said
to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "Truthfully," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is..."
***
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
yourself and your actions.
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past.
You will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
Erotic lustfulness
Loss of motor control
Loss of clothing
Loss of money
Loss of virginity
Attraction to the same sex
Table dancing
Headache
Dehydration
Dry mouth
A desire to sing Karaoke
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
For faster results, try a margarita without the mix...
***
Voted Best Scottish Short Joke
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'
