Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

...as did I.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.


The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:



Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part.


The man is incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a furious letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse, and go as a toffee apple.

Read this in my local rag this morning. Can you verify this Mame?


Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading Canada ,

Albertans will no longer be referred to as'Rednecks.'

You must now refer to them as

Rocky Mountain/Prairie Canadians.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED Canadian.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
(Loved this one!)

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

This blind people joke is mine from the early seventies. Nice to see it's still around.
Allan W Janssen
London, ON

This blind people joke is mine from the early seventies.
Nice to know it's still around.
Allan W Janssen
London, ON

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the E.C. Row, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before the Windsor police pulled up behind me. The cop got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!"

The story of Ralph and Edna...


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna we re both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.




He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.




Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now conside red her to be mentally stable.




When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jum ping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.




The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. ;I am so sorry, but he's dead.'




Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'




Happy Mental Health Day!

A down and out musician was hurting for cash, so he took a part time gig working at the mortuary. He helped out in the back room, getting patrons ready for departure.

His first patient was a local gentleman by the name of Stanley Smith. Stanley was the local grocer and had met an untimely demise. As he and the young morticians assistant pulled back the sheet, they both gasped. Seems Stan was incredibly gifted in the sword department, in fact, neither had ever seen such a sight.

After some hushed consultation, it was decided that a tool of that size had to be preserved as an oddity for all times. (after all, once Stan was in the casket, who was gonna know) They removed his penis and put it in a glass jug of formaldehyde and snuck it out the back door. The musician decided to take it home and call his band mates to come check it out.

He sat the jar on the kitchen table and went to get the phone to call his buds.

About this time, his wife called out to him from the den, and asked him to come and help her get dinner ready. As he walked back toward the kitchen , he heard her scream...









Oh my god, Stanley Smith is Dead???...

Getting to know each other........

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey !

A duck waddles into a bar and asks, "Have any grapes?"

The bartender calmly replies, "No," and the duck waddles out.

The next day, the duck waddles in and asks, "Have any grapes?"

The bartender looks at the duck, and says, "Nope. Not today either, " and the the duck waddles out.

The next day the duck waddles in and asks the same question. The bartender glares at the duck and says, "No, this is a bar. We normally don't have grapes here."

The duck replies, "Oh, I see. Thank you," and waddles out.

The next day the duck waddles in and looks at the bartender. The bartender glares back at the duck. The duck then opens his bill and asks, "Have any grapes?"

The bartender is now really angry and explodes, "Look! We don't have any grapes here! If you come in again and ask for grapes, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor! Got it?"

The duck replies, "Got it," and waddles out.

The next day was Sunday, and the bar was closed, but, on Monday, the duck waddles in.

The bartender looks warily at the duck and through tense lips asks, "Can I help you?"

After a pause, the duck enquires, "Have any nails?"

The bartender taken aback replies, "Uh, no. No, we don't have any nails."

The duck asks, "Well, do you have any grapes?"

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

***

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

***

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am , they're dead.'

***

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

***

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

***

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

***

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

***

What's red, and smells like blue paint?































Red paint!

Cycloptichorn

Murphy, the local fuel merchant paid a visit to the latest neighbourhood arrival - an attractive French lady.
"Coal, it's coal you'll want," he advised her. "Nothing better than coal to heat the place."
"C'est good," she purred accentedly, "how weel it be deliv-aired?"
"Ah, now there you have a choice," Murphy replied. "coal-de-sack or a-la-cart."

I'm a Fireman.

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

A woman asks, 'What are you?'

He says, 'I'm a Fireman' ???

'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.

'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

The definition of a married man: one who gets out of the shower to pee in the toilet.

A suicidal husband answers his wife's question: "Will you love me when I am old and ugly?" with "Yes dear, I do."

You posted twice, in case we don't get it the first time, JL?

(Don't worry, bad joke)..

Francis, I omitted the key word, "answers", the first time. I know, it wasn't worth the effort.
JL