Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

If these "really bad jokes" get any worse, I'm collapsing this thread.

FLOWERS

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: 'Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.'

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: 'You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?'

The redhead replies: 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.'

The blonde says: ........'Don't you have a vase?'

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?


Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could
have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'



And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

Just think --

If the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey,
we would all be having a piece of ass for thanksgiving every year...

If you were going to shoot a mime......




would you use a silencer?

Before midgets engage in sex, do they have twoplay or threeplay?

UNCERTAINTY HITS JAPANESE BANKS Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in US and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today trading of shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

I already have.











(Just joking)

Some more 'blonde' jokes.

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FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde) picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
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SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says,
'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
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THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun,and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
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FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
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FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
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SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned

'I I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do? They send me a B BLIND policeman.'

An old farmer was out working in his field one day, when a busload of politicians came careening down the country road, and crashed horribly into a giant oak tree on his property.

Being a responsible old sort, he decided it would be the right thing to do to dig a hole, and bury the bodies.

A couple days later, the Sherriff comes around asking questions of the old guy.

Elmer, he says, you done OK, but are you sure they was all dead?

Well, says Elmer, a couple said they wasn't, but you know how those bastards lie...

why did the dinosaur cross the road?

because chickens weren't invented yet.

Smart Indians.

In a Dehli Customer service centre,
Rajput wanted to have $ex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Rajput got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me
shag you. But the girl said NO.

Rajput said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, 'The b*a*s*t*a*r*d used coins!'

Management lesson: When dealing with an Indian Always consider a business
Proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

LOL - BEAgle..i never knew Indians were considered this smart downunder ;P

The man and his wife were both in the bathroom. He was having a bath she was in the shower. There was a knock at the door.

She said I'll get it, easier for me...

So she opens the door clad in just a bath robe and its their neighbour.

He said Hmmm if you drop that robe I'll give you £800.

She thinks...for a short while...then lets the garment fall to the floor.

Very nice he says and gives her the £800.

Who was that shouts husband

Oh no one just our neighbour

Well what did he want??

Nothing really

Well did he mention the £800 he owes me?

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: 'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'.

The fairy godmother replied 'it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........

'Bet you're sorry you neutered me.'

Oh The Irish!!!!

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said, 'Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'
'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because', said Mick 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'

Mick said,'Silly buggers - the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday!!'

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

So this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left
and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph,
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away - for a couple seconds!

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver,
which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked
my cellphone into the coffee between my legs, splashed,
and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call...





Damn women drivers!!

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember
..... fairies are always female !