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Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

 
 
Region Philbis
 
  3  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 02:16 am
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young egg-layers
(hens), called 'pullets,'
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records,
and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot
and was replaced.

This took a lot of time,
so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone,
so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch
and fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch,
was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed
old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate,
he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets,
hearing the roosters coming,
could run for cover.

To John's amazement,
old Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch,
he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation
among the judges.

The result was the judges
not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best
at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year,
the bells are not always audible.


***
0 Replies
 
Merry Andrew
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 07:26 pm
Region, Laughing Laughing Laughing
0 Replies
 
nimh
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 08:06 pm
These are all very, very bad Laughing
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Aug, 2008 10:08 pm
nimh wrote:
These are all very, very bad Laughing


And that's no joke...
0 Replies
 
Sglass
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Aug, 2008 03:19 am
Region where did you find that joke? The Poultry Weekly? I think it qualifies for the worst joke of the year.
0 Replies
 
Sglass
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Aug, 2008 03:20 am
PS I loved it.
0 Replies
 
Region Philbis
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Aug, 2008 11:22 am
Sglass wrote:
Region where did you find that joke? The Poultry Weekly? I think it qualifies for the worst joke of the year.

former co-worker e-mailed it to me the other day.
every now n' then i get a good'n... Smile
0 Replies
 
Stray Cat
 
  2  
Reply Wed 13 Aug, 2008 07:41 am
Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill said that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh... she got fired too."
0 Replies
 
Stray Cat
 
  3  
Reply Wed 13 Aug, 2008 08:16 am
Bob went to the pet store and bought a parrot. The parrot had a slight disability. It didn't have any feet, so it would wrap its penis around its perch.

Because of the disability, the pet shop sold the parrot to Bob at a considerable discount. So Bob took the parrot home.

One night, after staying out late and having several drinks, Bob returned home.

"Hey, come over here," the parrot said.

Bob went up to the bird cage. "Yeah?"

The parrot said, "While you were out tonight, your best friend came over here. He and your wife were sitting on the couch making out. They were kissing, and rubbing each other, and really gettin' into it!"

"Oh, yeah?," Bob said. "Then what happened?"

"I don't know," the parrot said. "I had a hard-on and fell off the perch."
0 Replies
 
Region Philbis
 
  1  
Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 09:59 am
A little boy of 12 is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a whore house and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?''

Of course, the Madam said "No!"

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Candice - THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?''

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter."

"After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll screw her in the car and he'll catch the disease."

"Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the rotten bastard who ran over my FROG!"


***
0 Replies
 
Dutchy
 
  2  
Reply Fri 22 Aug, 2008 10:15 pm
Spelling IS IMPORTANT!

An elderly couple who were both widowed had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex ?' he asked, rather tentatively-

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, and leaned over towards her and whispered 'Is that one word or two ?'
Equus
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 Aug, 2008 11:22 am
@Dutchy,
Why did the boy soap bubble follow around the girl soap bubble?
--He wanted to watch her bust.
0 Replies
 
Reyn
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 Aug, 2008 04:44 pm
Does this post qualify to be in this thread? Quite frankly, I think it's funny as hell, but then, you know me.
0 Replies
 
dadpad
 
  2  
Reply Mon 25 Aug, 2008 04:12 am
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He
reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of
a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks,
"what's the good news.......??

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
pull her up again.....!"
verbivore
 
  1  
Reply Thu 11 Sep, 2008 04:05 am
@dadpad,
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
0 Replies
 
lmur
 
  2  
Reply Fri 12 Sep, 2008 01:51 pm
Zebo, a half blind five year old Sudanese orphan, has to ride 7
miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels
and no brakes. Give just a small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send
you the video, it's friggin'hilarious....
0 Replies
 
Deckland
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2008 10:45 am
My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not f**king listening'
Dutchy
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2008 05:24 pm
@Deckland,
GOLF PANTIES

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and
says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and
buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball
on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the
sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes
her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta
be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well,
fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
Tidy yerself up a bit.'
Steve 41oo
 
  2  
Reply Mon 6 Oct, 2008 11:05 am
@Dutchy,
ok funny.

Germany has just opened a national humour museum in Frankfurt.

Which is funny in itself

Here's a couple of "German" jokes

A call comes into the German coastguard..


...VE ARE SINKING

reply

this is interesting

Vat are you sinking?

......................

Two tall athletes get talking at the Olympics. One says Are you a Pole vaulter?

Reply

No...I am German and how did you know my name is Walter?

OK Walter...MY APOLOGIES



ok and a third I just heard...because of the opening of the German joke museum they were doing several German jokes on the radio (in the best possible taste)

What goes between fear and sex?

FUNF.


0 Replies
 
DrewDad
 
  2  
Reply Mon 6 Oct, 2008 11:34 am
Why did the chicken cross the playground?











































To get to the other slide.
 

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