[This may have been posted before, but t'hell with it]
What's the most dangerous animal in the Amazon rain forect?
A duck with a flame-thrower.
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hamburger
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Fri 18 Jul, 2008 04:11 pm
a scottish father with his wife and four children arrive in montreal .
father - hailing a cab : "how much to the ritz-carlton hotel ? " .
cabbie : "twenty bucks for you and your wife and the kids ride for free " .
father : "have a nice ride , kids - we'll meet you at the hotel ! ".
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edgarblythe
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Sat 19 Jul, 2008 08:14 pm
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining
room table:
'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 60 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 20-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.'
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the
dining room table:
'To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. About my being 60 years old: I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 60 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 20 years old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 20 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 20.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'
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jespah
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Tue 22 Jul, 2008 04:18 am
A salesman was about to check into an out of town hotel when he noticed a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked in as Mr. and Mrs.
After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed a bill for $2500.
"There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for only three days."
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month and a half."
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cjhsa
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Tue 22 Jul, 2008 05:41 am
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cjhsa
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Tue 22 Jul, 2008 08:06 am
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is
hitting from the ladies' tees.
The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball,
she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all
those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'
One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'
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hamburger
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Fri 25 Jul, 2008 09:58 am
perhaps i should have posted this in the MEDICAL FORUM ... ...
don't tell me proper medical care is not available !
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cjhsa
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Fri 25 Jul, 2008 09:59 am
I guess only Gomer's relatives can use that one (sic).
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Dutchy
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Sun 27 Jul, 2008 03:55 am
Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,....'Then, why do you even give a ****?
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Mr Nice
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Sun 27 Jul, 2008 04:20 am
edgarblythe wrote:
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining
room table:
'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 60 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 20-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.'
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the
dining room table:
'To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. About my being 60 years old: I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 60 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 20 years old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 20 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 20.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'
Very funny.
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Dutchy
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Sun 27 Jul, 2008 06:53 am
Sunday Morning Sex - I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year- old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. '
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'
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edgarblythe
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Sun 27 Jul, 2008 01:47 pm
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Region Philbis
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Mon 28 Jul, 2008 11:39 am
Five Rules...
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other...
***
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Rockhead
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Mon 28 Jul, 2008 11:59 am
A man decides to take his wife golfing as a way of rekindling their flagging romance.
As the day drags on, her conversation turns to what he might do if she is gone...
She says, If you remarry, would you sleep in our bed?
He says, of course not.
Well, what about our house, she asks.
I would think that I would move to somewhere else, he says.
And My jewelry, she asks.
It would not feel right, he says.
Well, I suppose at least you could let her have my golf clubs, she allows.
No, he says, she's left handed...
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Mr Nice
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Mon 28 Jul, 2008 09:49 pm
Re: Five Rules...
Region Philbis wrote:
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other...
***
Ha ha ha...
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dadpad
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Tue 29 Jul, 2008 02:53 am
good one Region, I laughed, mumpad frowned.
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Region Philbis
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Tue 29 Jul, 2008 11:02 am
dadpad wrote:
I laughed, mumpad frowned.
all is right with the world
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Stray Cat
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Tue 29 Jul, 2008 08:08 pm
A guy's sitting in his office working. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, "Quit your job, take all your money out of the bank and fly to Vegas."
The guy trys to ignore it, but the little voice keeps saying the same thing over and over to him, every day.
"Quit your job, take all your money out of the bank and fly to Vegas."
Finally, the guy can't stand it anymore. So he quits his job, takes all his money out of the bank and flies to Vegas.
As soon as he steps out of the plane, the little voice says, "Get in a cab, and go to the nearest casino."
So the guy jumps in a cab, and tells the driver to take him to the nearest casino.
On the way there, the little voice says, over and over, "Go to the roulette wheel and put all your money on 27 black, go to the roulette wheel and put all your money on 27 black."
So, when the cab arrives at the casino, the guy jumps out, runs into the casino and goes up to the roulette wheel. He puts all his money on 27 black.
The dealer spins the wheel, and around and around the ball goes. And finally it lands on ............28 red.
Then the guy hears the little voice again. It says, ...."Oh sh1t!"
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lmur
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Sun 3 Aug, 2008 02:48 am
Some Biblical "First mention's.."
First mention of..
..elasticity?
When Jesus tied his ass to a tree and walked into Jerusalem.
..the motorbike?
When Moses found the 10 Commandments. The roar of his Triumph could be heard throughout the desert.
..the high jump?
When Jesus cleared the temple.
..the motor-car?
When Peter washed Our Lord's Fiat.
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Equus
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Mon 4 Aug, 2008 04:19 pm
Three native American women gave birth on the same day.
The first native American woman gave birth on an antelope hide, and had a beautiful baby boy.
The second native American woman gave birth on a bison hide, and also had a beautiful baby boy.
But the third native American woman gave birth on a hippopotamus hide, and wound up with TWIN baby boys.
This demonstrates that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus equal the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
