Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

What happens when the smog lifts in southern California?
--U.C.L.A.

Did you hear about the fight between the dentist and the manicurist?
--They fought tooth and nail.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Most of the money in the world is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

Oy frikkin Vey!

Did you hear they closed the football stadium in Warsaw? It seems that no matter where you sat, you were always behind a Pole.

<groan>

Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and said, "Make me one with everything."

Good 'un, Roger.

How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answ.: They don't change it. A Marxist knows the bulb already has the revolution in it.

A blonde calls Virgin Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from Sydney to Adelaide ?" The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Here's some truly ancient jokes and groaners, but you'll get a kick out of them if you're part masochist (like me):


1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way - Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef, but...

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Is a Texas Tornado And an Alabama Divorce The Same?
Some body's Gonna Lose A Trailer!

How many balls of yarn would it take to reach the moon?

One, if it was big enough.

Getting a hairdryer through customs...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one
drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

***

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the East River. So she went down to
the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome
young sailor saw her on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for.
I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you
away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every
day.'

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,
'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.' The girl nodded yes.
After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii
would give her a new perspective on life.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the Captain. 'What are you doing here?' the Captain asked.

'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I
get food and a trip to Hawaii, and he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is,' the Captain said. 'This is the Staten Island Ferry!'

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints..."

***

Anyone remember the '70's disco band, Chic?

It's a little-known fact that they came from humble rural beginnings, playing agricultural shows up and down the mid-west in an attempt to build a loyal fan base. The local oiks weren't too enamoured with their
particular brand of disco-funk; so they resorted to blatant bribery to attract people to their shows. Their management hit on the idea of giving away farmyard animals to lucky members of the audience.

Hence their most famous hit:

"Free cow (and a sheep, and a sheep) free cow...."

A bloke walks into a pub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly Sir, that'll be one cent".
"One cent?" exclaims the bloke.
The barman says "Yes".
So the bloke glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir" replies the bartender, "but that all comes to real money"
"How much money?" inquires the bloke.
"Four cents" he replies.
"Four cents!!" exclaims the bloke. "Where's the bloke who owns this place?"
The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife"
The bloke says "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies" "The same as I'm doing with his business"

He said "I'd like a little pussy"

She said "So would I. Mine's as big as a bucket :wink:

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet.

So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer.

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on."

Ok, 4 hours of reading to catch up and I appreciate it, Time well spent.


What do you call a fish with no eyes?



Fsh.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman..

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ....

' What the **** would they want with a plasterer??

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out forest fires.



Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out flaming ducks.