Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Oy!!!

Guy walks into a bar and says ... OW!!

lmfao!

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt
to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as
I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases,
the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I
was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the
belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on
earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly

Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other, hands him a bill, and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You're doin' well ... only two left!"

me friend, me friend that was good

Letter from store to woman who insisted on taking hubby shopping with her:
Dear Madam,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store forthwith. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' and last, but not least.
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here."

Regards,
Tom Richards
Manager

Clary, funny - thanks!

A king is sitting on his throne one day and is bored out of his mind. He decides to make a contest to kill his boredom. He tells his servant to send out for a person to find the biggest ping pong ball and the reward would be one million dollars.

So his servant announces this to the kingdom and everyone rushes out. The first man walks into the king's castle and has a huge ball 2 feet long. The king is in shock and says, "That is a huge ping pong ball." He tells the man to step aside, and wait for the others turn.

Another man brings a ping pong ball 4 feet long. The king is astonished, and says to the man, "Wow! That's a humungous ball. I think you'll probably be the winner, but lets wait to see the last person's ball!"

The next man starts pushing this HUGE, hairy , bloody, brown thing into the kings castle. The king jumps up and screams, "Good god man! What kind of ping pong ball is that?"

The man replies, "Ping pong ball? Ping pong ball? I thought you said KING KONG'S BALLS?!?"

Very good

From Reader's Digest:

Why are married women heavier than single women?

A single woman gets home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman gets home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the fridge.

A man lurches drunkenly into the bedroom where his wife lay, carrying a sheep under his arm.

"This", he snarled, "is the pig I've been sleeping with whenever you had a headache."

"I'll think you'll find that's a sheep", his wife said.

"I'll think you'll find I was talking to the sheep" her husband replied.

Irish Blonde.

An attractive blonde
from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single
roll of the dice, at the casino.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up
and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she
roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't
know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb,
but all men are men.

I want to know if Walter knew this man. He apparently won the Darwin Awards 2008:

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his
constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel
of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got
relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to
give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast
unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'S#!t happens'

Thanks for the laugh Clary!

I'm sure Mr. Riesfeldt is laughing his ass off.

So what happened to the donkey?

GWB trips and falls over a bridge railing while jogging one morning.

Before the Secret Service guys can get to him, three kids who are fishing pull him out of the water below.

He's so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want.

The first kid shouts, "I want to go to Disneyland with my friends!" and George replies, "No problem. I'll take you on Air Force One."

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans," to which George says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!"

Bush, looking perplexed, utters: "But, son, you don't look like you're handicapped."

The kid answers, "I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning."

Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.

Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P... E... N... I... S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

* PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH *