I swear I just come here for the laughs every day. Does that make me a joke whore?
One summer day a friend of mine, Kevin, came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went golfing.
THE LITTLE SEXY HOUSEWIFE WAS BUILT SO WELL....
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.
When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man --sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability.
Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!""And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ." "Yes yes!""Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
Francis wrote:One summer day a friend of mine, Kevin, came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went golfing.
That definitely qualifies as a "really bad joke."
The only cow in a small town in the Midwest stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in Kansas for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Kansas and the cow was wonderful. It produced
lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in
Kansas ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you k now we got the cow in Kansas ?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Kansas "
I haven't read through all these, so some might be repeats, but they're worth re-reading!
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairy tale begins "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this sh*t."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the gir announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. T he boy insists on the
family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after
20 minute s with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers
to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Possibly the best come-back ever!
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and
asks him:
'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'
The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches it's
all brand new.'
.
Here are some jokes the 8 year old are telling.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
How do you fix a chimp? With a monkey wrench.
When is a fin not a fin? When it's a DOL-phin.
The finest in popsicle-stick humor!
Two nuns decided they needed a break from the cold, boring halls and simple cells and constant prayers at the convent, and planned a night on the town.
One evening, after final prayers and lights out, the two nuns snuck out of the convent, ran across a field, pushed through thorn bushes, climbed down a rocky slope, waded across a muddy creek, crossed through a barbed wire fence, and walked 10 miles into town.
"Whew!" exclaimed one nun. "After all that, I feel like a Marine!"
"Me too," said the other nun, "But where are we going to find one this time of night?"
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"
I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth.."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um .
masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,
glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . just . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,"
he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm
It's 3AM. Do you know what your computer screen is doing?
edgarblythe wrote:Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Lizards lay eggs!
Edgar...brilliant...that one slayed me!
Edgar's dark secret has been revealed to the world. For my part, I will do my best to keep this little incident quiet from the other members of the site.
DrewDad wrote:dlowan wrote:I am speechless.
A miracle!
May the reptile of rage gnaw upon thy guts.
dlowan wrote:DrewDad wrote:dlowan wrote:I am speechless.
A miracle!
May the reptile of rage gnaw upon thy guts.
Or maybe you mean "nuts"...
