Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.

SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, WOMEN

Some things are just better in big cups.

Will I Live to see 90?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive
Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you
Think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
Or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said
He looked at me and said,....
'Then, why do you even give a ****

at edgarblythe and dadpad

some messages in the answering machine

1) Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.


2) Homer Simpson's Answering Machine:
"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"

3) BEEP Hello, this is WVKE radio station, you're on the air.

4) Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably one of those changes. (BEEP

Another phone message:

BEEEEEEEEEEP. This is a test. This phone, in voluntary cooperation with local authorities, is conducting a test of the telephone answering system. If this had been an actual conversation, you would have been directed where to turn for assistance. This has been a test. BEEEEEEEEEEEP

Salesman


A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners."
"F*** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his
foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he
emptied a bucket of horse sh*t all over her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh*t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f***ing good appetite, because the power company cut the electricity this morning!!!"

getting ready for st patrick's day around here, nothing special i'll probably just sit on the deck with paddy o'furniture, and i 'm sure that paddy o'lantern will be hanging around

Conversation between God and a Civil Engineer.

God: Man, now that I have created this woman for you, what is your opinion of my construction?

Civil Engineer: God, your creation is perfect, only that the entertainment zone and sewage zone hardly can be differentiated from each other"

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

A company in Sth africa have set up a dildo farm.

Unfortunatly it has been invaded by squatters

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,'How long has it been since you had a good cigar?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and b'gorrah,' said the man, 'that is so good. I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis the nectar of the Gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Truly fantastic.'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?' With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed...'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!'

Bono has a speaking engagement in Edinburgh. The auditorium lights dim and the stage spot frames a split in the curtains and Bono walks onto the stage clapping slowly. After 5 claps he says, 'Each time I clap a child in Africa dies!'

And a voice from the front shouts out 'Then stop fooking doin' it ya evil bastard!'

My one and only, but it works.

On St Paddy's day only...

Walk in a bar, find a pretty (Not red haired girl)

So, says I ...

Got any Irish in ya?

Says she, why no, why do ya ask?...

(slyly)

Well would ya like a wee bit for a tussle?


RH

I liked Lenny Henry's delivery of that line better:

'Got any African in you?'

'Would you like some?'

Why do Englishmen have trouble eating alphabet soup?
--Because they're always dropping their "H"s.

Two rednecks just now on the radio:

Him: Do you know why divorces cost so much money?

Other: No.

Him: Because they're worth it.

Two drunks crawling down some railroad tracks. First one says, "This fockin stairway doesn't end!"

Second one says, "These fockin handrails are too low!"

Two Canadians are hunting and follow some tracks until the train hits them.

A lady comes home from shopping and finds her husband standing in the middle of the kitchen, turning his head slowly from side to side, brandishing a fly swatter.

"What on earth are you doing?" she asked

"I'm hunting flies!" he replied.

Amused by the silly picture he painted, she then asked "Caught any yet?"

"Yes!" he replied in all seriousness "Three males and two females."

"How the hell could you tell the difference?"

"Easy" he said "Three were on my beer can and two were on the phone."