Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Re: Da stik joke



THE BEST BLONDE JOKE I HAVE HEARD IN YEARS?

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he sunburned his Johnson.
Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so he puts some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.
The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at the apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.
After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.
A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain.
So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and laced his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"

Re: Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here
they aint that bad lol
truss me its better than mine

You do know what DNA stands for, don't you, Equus?

National Dyslexics Association.

MA, I've missed you.

SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS

After retiring, I went to the Centrelink Office to apply for age pension benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Centrelink Office
She said, "You should have dropped your pants... You might have gotten disability, as well."

The owner of the drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the blonde sales girl: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative"

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The blonde calmly responds: "Of course you can!, Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

I dont get it..

"Bounty" is a brand name of paper towels in the US.

This is the very first time I've seen Nimh stumped by something American. He's usually explaining the lingo to the natives.

Hmmm. In Australia a Bounty is chocolate bar with a coconut centre. It still kind of made sense to me - particularly if it was hot day.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.


Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home."


The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."


The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.


After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send
her the word "comfortable."


The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
"comfortable?"


The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly.... "com-for-da-bul."

Dutchy, that reminds me of the wire that a gal sent her mother after her sister Anna had been hospitalised as a result of a semi-poisonous ant bite. She only had enough money for six words, so she had the telegraph operator write: "Anacin hospital adamant bitter asinine places." [Go ahead and read that slowly.]

BTW. we're probably mystifying the younger posters on this thread who have no notion what a telegram was. 'Text', ok. Fax, ok. Maybe even telex. But telegram? Western Union these days does nothing but transfer money orders.

Ah... here, too, it's a chocolate bar with a coconut centre.

How do you sell a bike to a deaf rabbit?


"DO YOU WANT TO BUY A BIKE?!"

What's green and smells like pork?


Kermit's fingers.



Sorry, I'm channelling me as a thirteen year old. And no, that is not a dig at aperson.

Old man's physical exam
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and
said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as empty as when he
gave it to him. The doctor asked what happened and
the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it
between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

?
global warming really happens when your mom eats green beaned chilli....says fat b[austin powers]

A tourist walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned. He ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said : "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of Asians, a Poof, and a Collingwood supporter .

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
examining room, waiting for the doctor to
come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

'Breast-fed, she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did He pressed, kneaded, rubbed both breasts and gently pinched her nipples for a while in a very professional and detailed
examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the
doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'







'I know,' she said,

'I'm his Grandma,
. . . . . but I'm glad I came'