gustavratzenhofer wrote:Two Canadians are hunting and follow some tracks until the train hits them.
I heard the same punchline in a story about two blondes arguing about whether the tracks they had run across were deer tracks or bear tracks.
Merry Andrew wrote:gustavratzenhofer wrote:Two Canadians are hunting and follow some tracks until the train hits them.
I heard the same punchline in a story about two blondes arguing about whether the tracks they had run across were deer tracks or bear tracks.
I think that was just Gus' crack at me, MA
It fits the motif of this thread - baaaad.
An interviewer, in reference to the divorce, suggested to Sir Paul McCartney that 'It might be some time before you go down on one knee again?'
Sir Paul replied 'I'd rather you called her Heather'
For fun,,,
~ ask someone where they live,
~when they answer, say ~
"i'm sorry?" (as you lean forward, ~to hear)
when thet reply again say
"oh i heard what you said! i'm sorry you live there!" (i love that one)
rolling on the floor laughing my etcetras off! me >
Someone has defined a Freudian slip as one where a person means to say one thing but actually says a mother.
It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of South Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?" The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked. "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign."
A lill bird was flying south for th winter. It was so cold, the bird frze and fell t the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As a frozen bird lay therein the dung, it realized how warm it was for him. He lay there warm and happy and sang out of joy, when a cat heard him - the cat followed the sound, dug him out and ate him!!!
Moral of the story
1. Not every1 who drops **** on u is ur enemy
2. Not every1 who gets u out of **** is ur friend
3. And when ur deep in ****!! Keep ur mouth shut!!
FOR THE FOOTBALL FANS
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a
hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20
bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back
and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning! "
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get
all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard
backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each
time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the
bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy
through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay
up"....
dadpad wrote:It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of South Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?" The meteorologist responded, "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" he asked. "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign."
dadpad, Of the hundreds of jokes I've read on this thread, this one made me laugh out loud. Thanks, kid.
I like happy noises roberta.
shush! walter, penny is sleeping now.
Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her
neighbor was a very generous Black woman who stopped in one Saturday
and asked "Mrs Cohen, I have to go yo NYC this afternoon to meet my
daughter; can I get you anything? Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed
"Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use
my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid
for - why should you pay extra."
The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came
through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the
name "Sadie Cohen".
"Excuse me ma'am, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on
this ticket?"
The woman smiled sweetly and nodded her head affirmatively.
A little suspicious, the conductor asked, "Would you let me compare
signatures - would you please sign your name?"
The Black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man are you crazy? You
want me to write on Shabbos?"
Hey, Andy. If she's riding, she's writing.
Once an a mother and her lill sun went to vist the circus, they saw the elephant there. It so happened that the son noticed the long penis of the elephant who seemed to be quite aroused at that moment...now the boy who couldnt imagine that a penis can be so long asked his mother what it was..
the mother blushed at this question and answered "oh its nothing my son"
Now the boy wasnt satisfied at ths answer and asked his father what it was..The father thnking its good for the kid to learn things explained to him that it was the elephants penis.
The boy then asked his father y mom told it was "nothing"
for this his dad wit a sigh responded "for your mom..it is nothing!!!"
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, were vacationing in California. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow..."
Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope," she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat..."
from the isle and province of newfoundland and labrador :
Quote:Newfie Waiter: Would you like to try the beef tongue?
Mainlander: No, I do not eat anything that comes from an animal's mouth.
Newfie Waiter: Would you like an omelette instead?
