After many centuries on duty, it was finally time for St. Peter to take a coffee break from guarding the Pearly Gates. Jesus dropped by to fill in for him while he was away.
"When a soul approaches the gate," explained St. Peter, "Just ask them a little about their life and their deeds to determine if they should be allowed in."
"No problem," shrugged Jesus.
After a little while, an old man with a kind face approached the Pearly Gates. Jesus asked, "What did you do in life?"
The old man smiled and answered, "I was a poor but honest and hardworking carpenter. But it was my son I am most proud of. He wasn't my natural born child, but was placed in my care. He loved everyone and all the World loved him. He died to save me, but through the powers of the supernatural he rose from the dead and brought joy to all."
Overjoyed, with tears in his eyes, Jesus ran to the old man and embraced him. "FATHER??!!" he exclaimed.
"Pinocchio??"
I was in a bar I'd never been in before. It was a pretty nondescript crowd, until I noticed a guy on a stool with the tiniest cranium I'd ever seen. Literally baseball sized, perfectly formed but in miniature. Weeny eyes, ears, nose and mouth. I tried not to stare but my eyes were constantly drawn to his microcephalus.
After a few beers my bravado exceeded my decorum and I went over too him and started a conversation. Eventually I steered it to his tiny noggin and he told me his story.
He'd been a merchant seaman and was washed overboard one night in high seas. He'd managed to stay afloat until his feet hit solid land. A desert island. He survived for 14 months on fish, bugs and coconuts. A year into his isolation he was rockhopping looking for shellfish he came across an actual mermaid, the real thing. She was gorgeous down to her hips and then fish. She said she give him one wish. He was a little stir crazy and hadn't seen a woman for a year. He looked at her beautiful face, her long golden hair which decoriously hid, but did not disguise, her full pert breasts, her narrow waste and firm stomach. And the tail. Without really thinking he said:
"How about a little head?"
Two prawns are best freinds and swimming around in the sea.
One is called Justin, the other Christian.
It's pretty boring being a prawn, so they were swimming around, disscussing what it would be like to be a shark.
"I'd love to be a shark." said Christian.
"Yeah, me to." said Justin. "It'd be a lot of fun."
"Anyway, I've got to go " said Christian. "See you".
So Justin is swimming home, still wondering what it would be like to be a shark, when he comes across a cod.
"So you want to be a shark?" Said the cod.
"Yeah" said Justin "Howd you know that?"
"I am a magic cod and if you wish it, I can make you a shark."
Justin though about it, and decided to go ahead with it.
The next day Justin wakes up and discovers he is a shark.
He decides to go tell all of his friends but when he gets to all of them, they run away. "No No!! Go away!!!" The they all said, even Christian.
So Justin is now swimming around, depressed that he hasn't got any friends when he comes across cod again. "Change me back" he said in desperation. "Alright" says the cod.
So the next day Justin wakes up and finds he is a prawn again.
He is so exited he goes to tell his friends.
"No! Go away Justin, you'll eat me!" says Christian
"No, you don't understand!" says Justin
"I've changed, I found cod, I'm a prawn again Christian!"
The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' ;
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
"What's with the paper towel?" asked the bartender.
"Aaarr," answered the pirate, "There be a bounty on me head."
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and said, "You must put it in here." indicating her special place.
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. . . .
Duuuuuuuuh!
I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?
I said no . . . I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
:-)
I was playing in a band at the South Florida Fair for 10 days...we got done yesterday...3 shows a day. The bass player and I were wandering around the fair grounds between sets when we spied a fat lady with a cute monkey on a leash. For a quarter you could get the monkey to take it out of your hand ...there were 50 kids waiting to give this monkey a quarter....my friend says "That's a cute pig"
She says "That's not a pig, it's a monkey"...he shot back "I was talking to the monkey"
I 'bout died.
Dumbest joke ever:
A man goes to a toilet and flushes it, and says "And the crowd goes wild".
(Coz a flushing toilet sounds like a cheering crowd)
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The i-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size. This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Well, Lord Ellpus posted the real thing long ago:
Musical breasts
Da stik joke
dat reali iz a bad joke lol
So a dyslexic man walks into a bra....
I was driving home some years back when I heard a "thump" and realised I must have struck something. Getting out of the car, I saw that it was a rabbit. There were faint signs of life so I gathered it up and brought it home. Rooting through the medicine cabinet, I found the particular bottle I was looking for and sprinkled some of the lotion therein on the rabbit's head.
It started, wriggled out of my arms and made its way out of my house. As I watched it disappear into the distance, I noticed that its head was turned at a jaunty angle, looking at me with what may have been a cheeky grin and, most strangely of all, it kept its left front leg aloft with the paw waggling from side to side.
Shortly, it was gone and I never saw it again.
Powerful stuff, that "Hair restorer - with a permanent wave."
