Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest
children?

Ask your mother.
____________________________________________

2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it
came from.
____________________________________________

3) What's the difference between a bitch and a
whore?

A whore sleeps with everybody at the party;
A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party
except you.
____________________________________________

4) What's the difference between love, true
love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

____________________________________________

5) What's the difference between a Catholic
wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake
jewelry.
____________________________________________

6) What makes men chase women they have no
intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they
have no intention of driving.
____________________________________________

7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.
____________________________________________

8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand
up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.
____________________________________________

9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist
colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each
hand and a dozen donuts.
____________________________________________

10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist
colony?

The one who can eat that last donut.

____________________________________________

11) Jewish dilemma:

Free Pork.
____________________________________________

12) The three words men hate to hear most
during sex:
'Are you in?'
____________________________________________

13) The three words women hate to hear most
during sex:

'Honey, I'm home!

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn' t care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game , she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney

THREE WOMEN,TWO YOUNGER,AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
'THAT WAS MY PAGER ,SHE SAID.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.'

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.
THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE EXPLAINED,
'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE ,I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.
NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID......... ' WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...
I'M GETTING A FAX ' !!

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they
come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed
by the size of it.

The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the
bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't
know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it
takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me
a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry
it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.


They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they
hear a rustling in the brush behind em. As they turn around they see
a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no
hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the
hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old
farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't
happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just
standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes
doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this
hole here!"

And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained
to a transmission! "

A tourist walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned. He ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said : "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of Asians, a Poof, a Collingwood supporter and anything Aboriginal

Rednecks cant count that far

A professor at the University of Oklahoma was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe In ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start.Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love t o a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to
a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."


The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room,
the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said "Goats!"

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop.
I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car
that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, "OBAMA in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health

> Dear Wife:
>
> I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
>
> These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
>
> Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
>
> Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
>
> Your EX-Husband
>
> P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
>
> @@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@@
>
>
>
> Dear Ex-Husband -
>
> Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
>
> I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
>
> I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
>
> And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
>
> About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
>
> After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
>
> I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
>
> Signed,
>
> Your Rich-As-Hell-and-Free Ex-Wife!
>
> P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

(whispering)

anybody got any Heath Ledger jokes yet?

> Beware of Tree Huggers >> >> >> >> >> >> While walking through Edgewater Park in Cleveland, a man came >> upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. >> >> Seeing this h e inquired, " Just out of curiosity, what the heck >> are you doing? " >> >> " I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man >> replied " >> >> "You've gotta be kiddin' me." >> >> "No, would you like to give it a try?" >> >> Understandably curious, the man says, " Well, OK....." >> >> So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up >> against it. >> >> With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, >> took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and takes >> off!! >> >> Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy >> handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, >> >> "What the heck happened to you???" >> >> He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. >> >> When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head >> in sympa thy, >> walked around behind him, kissed him several times gently behind >> the ear and said, >> >> "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake!!!" >>

Is this 486-5731?

'Hello?'

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'


'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul.'

'Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'


Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'


'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little
girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?' He asked.

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and

ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser And now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared

and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
clean
it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'


Long Pause..........

Longer Pause................

Even Longer Pause.........................

The Daddy says, 'Swimming
pool?............. Is this 486-5731?'

'No, I think you have the wrong number.......'

Did you hear about the tapdancer that fell into the sink?

how many amoeba does it take to change a lightbulb?

1... no 2, 4, 8... argh!!!

Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in a chicken.

WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign around her neck reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing no thing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good
in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass
is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week

Its the beginning of 2009 and an older gentleman walked up the guard to the White House and asked politely... "May I see President Bush?'" The guard replied...."I'm sorry sir, but President Bush no longer lives here". The gentleman says "Ok thank you kindly".

The next day, the same older gentleman walks up to the same guard and asked politely.... "May I see President Bush?" The guard looking puzzled replied "Sir, Mr. President Bush no longer lives here". The gentleman says "Ok, thank you kindly"

Of course the next day the same older gentleman walks up to the same guard and asks again politely..."May I see President Bush". This time the guard is a little irritated he replies "Sir, I have told you for the past 3 days that President Bush does not live here anymore".

The older gentleman replies " I know, I just like hearing you say that"

> Why men have better friends> >

> Friendship between women: > A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her> husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his> wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. > > Friendship between men: > A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that> he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10> best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said> that he was still there. > >

How do you fix a broken tomato?

Tomato paste.

Do you know why they never tell any jokes about the Jonestown massacre?
--The punchline is too long.