Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Oh My God, What a Ticket

In a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2008
> GOP presidential race, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee today named Jesus
> Christ as his vice presidential running mate.
>
> Huckabee has made an increasing number of comments about his relationship
> with Jesus in recent debates, but few Republican insiders expected him to
> announce that he was anointing Christ as his vice presidential pick.
>
> "This could be huge for Huckabee," said Stenson Partridge, a veteran GOP
> consultant. "Among Republican voters, Jesus Christ is even more popular than
> Ronald Reagan."
>
> The Rev. Pat Robertson, a supporter of former New York Mayor Rudolph
> Giuliani, said he was "blindsided" by the news of Huckabee's decision: "I
> talked to
> Jesus last night, and he didn't mention anything about it."
>
> At a raucous Huckabee rally in Davenport, Iowa, today, supporters of the
> former Arkansas governor could be seen holding signs reading "HUCKABEE/CHRIST
> '08."
>
> It is "highly unorthodox" for a presidential candidate to select a vice
> presidential running mate who is a prominent figure in the Holy Bible, says
> Davis
> Logsdon, dean of the School of Divinity at the University of Minnesota.
>
> But according to Logsdon, if the Huckabee-Christ ticket makes it all the way
> to the White House, it could be historic in more ways than one:
>
> "If Huckabee is elected and then something happens to him while in office,
> we would be looking at our first Jewish president."

Those are real gems, friend!

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many "takes" it took)
Irony is that they received one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the "whining- hers"
Try getting through it without converting to spoonerisms as you read.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindacella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appearred. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkers who had buge hillocks and big bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the pransome hince knocked on Rindercella"s door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifter he leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the pransome hince. "Blame that fugly uker over ther!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the pransome hince a knack in the knickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a big bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the pransome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

Enjoy,
EW

Well, that was beally rad, and ery vold..

A man goes into the emergency room, and tells the doctor he's got a problem with his leg.
"listen with your stethoscope to my thigh," he says.
The doctor puts his stethoscope to his thigh, and hears a very small voice, "I need ten dollars! I need ten dollars!"
"And that's not all!" said the patient. "Listen to my knee."
The doctor listens to the man's knee and hears another small voice, "I need fifty dollars! I need fifty dollars!"
Then the patient said, "But that's not all, either! listen to my ankle!"
The doctor hears yet another small voice: "I need a hundred dollars! I need a hundred dollars!"
"What's wrong with me, doc???" asked the patient.
"I'm afraid that this is serious," said the doctor. "Your leg is broke in three places."

Confession

- During the German occupation I hid a Jew in my basement
- That is not a sin my son! That's a heroic act!
- Yes....but.....for every day I charged him $100...
- It's understandable. You were risking your life.
- What a relief, Father!....But, should I tell him that the war's over?

HAIRCUT


One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber go es to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then, an MP comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The MP is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Government

Farmer Brown had four potato fields, North, South East & West. There, his potatoes grew and Farmer Brown was as happy as the day was long.

Every morning, Farmer Brown visited each field in turn.

"Good morning, North Field" he'd say.
"Good morning Farmer Brown", the North Field would reply.
"Good morning, South Field" he'd continue and the South Field duly responded "Good morning Farmer Brown".
"Good morning, East Field."
"Good morning Farmer Brown."
"Good morning, West Field" he'd say.
"Good morning Farmer Brown", the West Field would reply.

This morning ritual continued until, one night, the Potato Monster came and ate all the potatoes in the West Field. Next morning, Farmer Brown visited each field in turn.

"Good morning, North Field" he said.
"Good morning Farmer Brown", the North Field replied.
"Good morning, South Field" he continued and the South Field responded "Good morning Farmer Brown".
"Good morning, East Field."
"Good morning Farmer Brown."
"Good morning, West Field," said Farmer Brown.
But there was no answer from the West Field.

That night, the Potato Monster came and ate all the potatoes in the East Field. Next morning, Farmer Brown did his usual rounds.

"Good morning, North Field" he said.
"Good morning Farmer Brown", the North Field replied.
"Good morning, South Field" he continued and the South Field responded "Good morning Farmer Brown".
But sadly, he got no response from either the West or East Field.

On the third night, the Potato Monster came and ate all the potatoes in the South Field. And next morning, Farmer Brown's greeting was reciprocated only by the North Field.

Finally, the Potato Monster came and ate all the potatoes in the West Field. Next morning, an apprehensive Farmer Brown arrived.

"Good morning, North Field" he fearfully said.
No reply.
"Good morning, South Field" he continued, almost quizzically, and again got no response.
Panic-sticken now he whispered "Good morning, East Field."
Not a sound.
"Good morning, West Field?" asked Farmer Brown.
Nothing. Not a pip-squeak. Diddly squat. Zilch.

Poor old Farmer Brown had no idea what was going on.


But we know, don't we children?

That he was carted off to the looney bin?

Sounds like the 'white knight' joke.

Roses & Hanging Baskets:



A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.



Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!



The teenager tells her; Loosen up Grams... these are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show! and out she goes.



The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.



The teenager wants to die... She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it's just not appropriate.



The grandmother says; Loosen up... Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.



Happy Gardening!

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon. Not bad eh?!

A wife told her husband that for their anniversary, she wanted an anniversary gift that would go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. So he bought her a bathroom scale.

I'm sure this has been told here before but it's so bad I had to add it anyway.

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up....
.......then all the other bells started to ring.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, were vacationing in California. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow..."
Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope," she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat..."

Old Cajun's Birthday

An old Cajun was celebrating 92 years on this earth. He spoke to his
toes.

"Hello der toes!" he said, "how you are, toes? You know, you 92
today. Oh, de times
we've had! Remember when we walk along de bayou wit all dem pretty
girls every Sunday
afternoon? Them times we deaux-si-deauxed on de dance floor wit dem
same womens?
Oh yeah, aaaaaaaa-eeeeee! Happy Birthday, toes!"

"Hello knees," he continued. "How you are knees? You know you 92
today. Oh de times
we had, huh! Remember when we march in de crawfish parade? Oh boy, de
hurdles we
jumped together, me and you. Happy Birthday, knees!"

Then he looked down at his crotch. "Hello der Pierre! You little
booger you!! You know,
if you were alive today, you'd be 92."

==================================
OLD COWBOY:


An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink,
a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,
breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,
bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats,
working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my
whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I shower,
I think about women. When I watch TV,
I think about women. I even
think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down
on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was,
but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

What has nine arms and sucks?
--Def Leppard

THIS IS NOT A JOKE - but funny nevertheless
-----------------------------------------------------
WARM MEMORIES

"it's a lovely way for the dead to provide comfort for the living ."
rev . vernon marshall of machester , england commenting on local crematorium's pilot project to heat its chapel with the energy generated by burning the remains of the departed .

from today's : globe and mail

Man walks into a bar with his horse.

Bartender looks at man, and then says to the horse, ...........why the long face?

RH