@Wilso,
Laying one the sofa with her head on my lap, she said 'kiss me darling.' and I thought, if I could kiss you down there girl, I wouldn't need you.
Fred and his wife Flo went to the state fair every year, and every year Flo would say, "Fred, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.” And every year Fred always replied, "I know,
Flo, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
One year Fred and Flo went to the fair and Flo said, "Fred, I'm 83 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now I might never get another chance."
Fred replied, "Flo, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The helicopter pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Fred and Flo agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was said. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Flo and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
“Well, to tell you the truth,” Flo replied, “I almost said something when Fred fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
Three dinosaurs found an old lamp.
One rubbed it with his foot it and a genie appeared.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announced.
The first dinosaur thought hard.
"Alright," he said, "I'll have a big juicy piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appeared in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thought even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rained down around him.
The third dinosaur – not to be outdone – thought longer and harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cried. “I want a MEATIER shower!"
And you know what happened after that…
I always try to go the extra mile at work. But the boss always finds me and brings me back
English lesson
Tsunami - T is silent
Honest - H is silent
Psychology - P is silent
Knife - K is silent
Wife - Husband is silent
Class dismissed.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I used to be really good at Roman Numerals, but I've forgotten how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, 500.
IM LIVID.
@Wilso,
Would IM be 999?
LIV 54
ID 499
Roman numerals are stupid.
On a train from London to Manchester an American was lecturing the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you’re too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied,
"How very sporting of your mother.”
Dieting is for people who are thick and tired of it all
@Wilso,
Same Englishman was on a train in Ireland when he overheard two other passengers talking.
"I've just been to Kilkenny and now I'm off to Kilmary."
"Right because I've just been to Kilpatrick, and now I'm off to Kilmore"
The Englishman got off at the next stop, muttering "Murdering bastards" under his breath.
@Wilso,
T is not silent in tsunami
Nothing is built in Australia anymore.
I just bought a new TV and it said, "Built In Antenna."
Where the hell is that?
Why is no one ever the right amount of whelmed?
I have a friend who was fired from a computer keyboard making company..............
Seems he wasn't putting in enough shifts
I just made my new password........
supermanbatmanhulkflashspidermanwonderwomanironmanwolverine........
because it had to be a minimum of 8 characters......
bloody computers
Well it finally happened! I’ve just got back from the Doctors where for the first time I was asked if I was sexually active.
Of course my reply was, ‘Nah, I just lie there and enjoy it.’ 😜
I start seeing a psychiatrist next week. 😳
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google maps.
A woman in a hot-air balloon was lost, so she shouted to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don't know
where I am.”
"You're at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replied.
"You must be a Democrat,” the woman shouted back.
"I am. How did you know?"
said the man.
"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I'm
still lost. Frankly, you've been no help,” the woman replied.
"You must be a Republican,” answered the man.
"Yes. How did you know?" she said.
“Because,” the man replied, “you’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn't keep and you expect me to
solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but somehow now it’s my fault.”
