Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

I can take it Mame.

Slappy Doo Hoo returned his leaky blow up doll to the sex shop complaining that it had gone down on him.

They charged him an extra fifty.

This is from the Fitz Files, in the sport section of the Saturday edition of the Sydney Morning Herald.

A TFF reader swears this is true. His son's friend had just hauled up a mud crab from one of the canals at Runaway Bay on the Gold Coast last week, when he was approached by a Fisheries inspector.

"You're copped, mate," the inspector said. "That is a female crab and it is a protected species. There is a hefty fine for catching one of those."

"But I haven't caught it, I have simply retrieved it."

"What do you mean, you've retrieved it ?"

"Well, this crab is my pet and every now and again I bring it down to the canal for a swim."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes, I let it go, it swims around for a bit and then comes back to me and I take it home. Look, I'll show you." And with that, the guy picks up the crab, places it into the water and issues an instruction to take a short swim and hurry back. The officer watches, bewildered.

"When will it come back ?" he asks.

"When will what come back?" the guy responds.

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

" I can't see my ass coming into work today."

I have a friend and he tells me jokes, but I don't know if they are funny or not.
This one is the Cub Scout joke:

There are three cub scouts and they got lost in the woods. The oldest decides to find them dinner. So he finds some tracks, follows them, and brings back a bear.
The next morning the second oldest decides to find them breakfast. So he finds some tracks, follows them, and brings back a rabbit. They end up walking for some time not noticing the time passing by. When the youngest decides to find some food.
Well when the youngest comes back they see him with a broken leg, some scratches, and a bruise.
They ask, "What happened?"
And he replies, "I found some tracks, followed them, and ran into a train."

What a pity!
A nice joke; I like it.

What do you mean about pity?
But do you really like it. I haven't gotten it yet.

I hate to do this to you but:


Two friends go camping in the woods. They are together nearly a week when they really start to get on each others nerves. Jack says to Zack, "How about we split up today. You go North and I will go South and we will meet at dinner and tell each other about the day we had." Zack agrees and they split up.

That night at dinner Jack starts telling Zack, "I went South, I found a beautiful lake there and stopped to do some fishing. The best fishing of the whole week, as soon as I put in my line a fish appeared. The sun was beautiful and warm and I really had a brilliant and relaxing day."

Zack says, "I went North and also had a brilliant day. I came across some railroad tracks. A I walked along next to the railway and there, tied to the tracks, was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Full breasts, tiny waist, long slim legs - she was simply gorgeous, but all tied up. So I untied her from the tracks and spent the whole day having wild and passionate sex with her!"

"Wow," said Jack, "Did you get a blow job?"

"Nope," says Zack, "I couldn't find her head!"

Ewww! Hingehead, that's terrible!

An Australian journalist has to do a story about a farmer in the outback. Not really knowing what to expect he asks the farmer the usual questions, about the weather, animals and such. After a while he gets only one-syllable answers from the man, so he has to take different course.
"What was your most beautiful moment here in the outback?" the journalist asks.
"Ah, that was when one of my neighbors lambs got lost. We all searched for hours, and when we found her we all got drunk and screwed the lamb."
Somewhat dumbstruck, the reporter decided he couldn't write about that, so he asked
"Okeeey, so what was your second most beautiful moment out here?"
"Oh yes, that was when young Sarah got lost. We started a searchposse, and when we found here we got drunk and screwed her."
I can't write this, the reporter thought, I gotta ask him something else.
"What was your most terrible moment?"
"Crap, that was the day I got lost..."

One particular Christmas season a long time ago,
Santa was getting ready for his annual trip
... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves
did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones
so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer,
he found that three of them were about to give birth
and two had jumped the fence
and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked
and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee
and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves
had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot
and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten
the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel
with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa.
Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.
Isn't it just a lovely tree?
Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

What is Santa's favourite pizza?

Answer: One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood,it leaves a big nasty red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'

'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something
happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in
the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000
compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand dollar an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches
you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean,
if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher
she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you
decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the
next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .

'We're having a new kitchen.'

three friends are exploring a jungle in south america when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals, after being taken to the chief of the tribe, they plead for their lives, and the chief tells the young men they have one chance to have their lives spared, but they must first go into the jungle and pick 10 kinds of one fruit. the young men head off in search of the life saving fruit, the first young man comes back with apples, the chief tells him, that he must shove all 10 apples up his ass without making a sound or he will be killed on the spot, the first two apples made it ok but on the third he let out a little groan and was killed, he is waiting at the pearly gates for his friends, after about a 10 minute wait the second friend shows up and explains that he had to go through the same process, the first man asks his friend," i had apples, what did u pick?" the second man was like, "i picked some berries" "that doesn't seem that bad what happened?" replies the first young man. "well..." says the second friend,"i was on my eighth berry and saw our other friend coming in with a armful of pineapples"

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that
her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants
to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

That's not a joke, Mame. That's a bit of wiley wisdom. It belongs on the philosophy forum, not on humour.

When Nora got home, her husband Nick was sitting in front of the TV watching football. "Hey, hon...it's about to start...as long as you're up, get me a beer, would you?" he asked. So she brought him a beer.

A little later, she walked through the living room to get a book. "Honey," said Nick, "It's set to start any minute- get me another beer, OK?" So she brought him another beer.

Not much later, Nick called out, "It's ready to start for sure! Get me another beer!"

But this time Nora had had too much. "GET YOUR OWN DAMN BEER!"

"Well," observed Nick, "...It's started!"

Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:



The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer l ooked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."