Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

And another one ........

Quote:

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave
each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to
come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than.....................punch a 5th grader
Never underestimate the power of............termites
You can lead a horse to water but...............how?
Don't bite the hand that..................looks dirty
No news is....................................impossible
A miss is as good as a..........................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...............stink in the morning
Love all, trust........................................me
The pen is mightier than the...................pigs
An idle mind is...............................the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's..................pollution
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents
A penny saved is...................................not much
Two's company, three's..........................the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and....you have to
blow your nose
None are so blind as.....................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not................spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries
You get out of something what you........see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way

And the favorite.....
Better late than............................pregnant

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Lie Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall
of clocks behind him. He asked,

"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered,

"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded,

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his
entire life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"
________________________________________

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George's Surgery:

When George first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer,

he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

George became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking.

So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare,

George's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will George be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

If you can't have the best of everything,

Make the best of everything you have.

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It is said that when John F Kennedy visited Ireland to hoover-up the Irish-American vote - sorry; to visit the ancestral home of his forefathers - in 1963, a local journalist attempted to engineer a meeting between the President and members of the Behan family. The Behans, in particlar, Brendan, were noted writers and poets at that time.

The journalist's sole motivation was to utilise the following headline:

JACK AND THE BEHANS TALK.

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Good one, lmur... glad to see you around.

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Swearing Boys

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."

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Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His friend says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

'Well' the father said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes.'

The little girl screams, 'Don't eat it.... it's a f *ckin' arsehole'

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What did Dracula say to his ex-girlfriend?

"It's good to see you back in circulation!"

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Why did Dr. Frankenstein never worry about getting a date to the prom?

-- He could always dig someone up.

What TV show is the favorite of cannibals?

--Eat the Press

Why didn't the cannibals boil the missionary in their giant pot?

--Because he was a friar.

Did you hear about the suicidal cannibal? When the police broke his door down, he threw up his hands.

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What do you call a dwarf fortune teller that just escaped from prison?

...a small medium at large Shocked

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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London .

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust,

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

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Who said the Germans have no sense of humour?
(with apologies to Walter)

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Doctor, I've broken my leg.
I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.

There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman and they are all
trapped in a jail cell.
Eventually they all starved to death.

Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?
He was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.

What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle?
There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of
dog.

What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?
A mule.

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~The Wal-Mart Cat~

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

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Late breaking news from the politically correct left:

There will be no Nativity Scene in the Rotunda of the United States Congress this year! This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

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Why do blokes like women in leather?

Cause it reminds em of a new ute.

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Slappy Doo Hoo goes into a sex shop to purchase a blow up doll.

"Would you like the christian doll or the muslim doll" Asks the shop assistant.

"Whats the difference?" asks Slappy.

Well says the assistant "The muslim doll blows itself up"

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Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife
if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

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You guys are on fire!

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f**k off.

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I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away
from her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my daughter asked.

'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, and probably has germs' I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom
Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.'

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.

'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have
to be the dad."

''Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

~~~~

Sorry to all the dads out there Very Happy

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Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

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