Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

An extremely camp and talented hairdresser in New York has two great loves; his mother and his cat.

His hairdressing reputation spreads across the country and he is offered a gig in Hollywood for a month on the set of the latest blockbuster. He's torn about accepting the job because he'll miss his mother and his cat.

A friend convinces him to take the job and that he'll move into the apartment and look after both for the month.

After the first busy day in Hollywood the hairdresser calls his NY apartment, 'How's my darling pussy Fluffy?'
'He died,' says his friend.
The hairdresser screams and faints. When he comes to he calls back and gets the full story, the hairdresser explains to his friend that that sort of bad news should be broken gently.

'How,' asks his friend.

'Well, on the first night you could have said "Fluffy's on the roof, but don't worry I've called the Fire Department" then the next night you could have said the fireman tried very hard but the experience was too emotional and Fluffy passed away peacefully in his sleep.'

'Oh, right...' says his friend.

The hairdresser changes the topic and says 'So anyway, how's my dear mother?'

'Well, she's on the roof, but don't worry I've called the fire department...'

The Devil Made Me Do It


Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron".
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going
to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are
five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -
I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Just in case you havent heard these



What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk!

Deer, no eyes

No idea

Deer? No eyes, no legs?

Still no idea

Deer, no eyes, no legs, no dick?

Still no f*c*ing idea.

This one usually goes something like this..

- What's got four legs, a tail and barks?
- Dunno..
- Whaddaya mean ya don't know? It's pretty effin' obvious innit? What's got four legs, a tail and barks?
- This is a trick question...
- No it isn't. Jesus! Let's try this one more time. What's got 4 effin' legs, a tail and barks?
- (hesitantly) A....dog?
- Aw cr*p. You heard it before.

nice to see you, lmur You call that a joke?

see thread title Mame

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.... He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became.He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

THE JOURNEY OF MAN

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.

She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl with big tits!

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?

The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

CAUGHT OUT

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina".
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina".......
"Yes" she says......
The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?"

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then:




You finish off life as an Orgasm.

I rest my case.

***

Once upon a time, there were 3 Squirrels, a mother Squirrel, a father Squirrel, and a young Squirrel. The young Squirrel climbed down from his bedroom. He said "Good Morning Mummy Squirrel", when he ate his breakfast, then said "Goodbye Mummy Squirrel, Goodbye Daddy Squirrel" and walked along to school. He went down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path to Squirrel School.

One day, after the young Squirrel climbed down from his bedroom, said "Good Morning Mummy Squirrel", when he ate his breakfast, then said "Goodbye Mummy Squirrel, Goodbye Daddy Squirrel" and walked along to school, down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path to Squirrel School, The Daddy Squirrel got a phone call from Principal Squirrel. Principal Squirrel said to Daddy Squirrel "Your son, Junior Squirrel has not been coming to school."
"But, every morning Junior Squirrel climbs down from his bedroom, says 'Good Morning Mummy Squirrel' to Mummy Squirrel, eats his breakfast, says "Goodbye Mummy Squirrel, Goodbye Daddy Squirrel. He goes down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path towards Squirrel school."
"But" Replied the Principal "He hasn't come to school" Then he hang up.
***
The next morning, the Daddy Squirrel decided that after his son climbed down from his bedroom, said "Good Morning Mummy Squirrel", ate his breakfast, then said "Goodbye Mummy Squirrel, Goodbye Daddy Squirrel" that he would watch his son go down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path to Squirrel School. So he watched his son go down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path to Squirrel School. BUT, just before his son got to Squirrel school, he turned around the school, and head along a different path, into a dark forest…
So, the morning after that, the father Squirrel decided that he would follow his son down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path towards Squirrel school, and past Squirrel school, into the dark forest.
So he followed his son down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path towards Squirrel school, and past Squirrel school, into the dark forest. After they walked along the path for a while (Junior Squirrel did not know that Daddy Squirrel was following him), they came across a marsh. The Junior Squirrel pulled a pair of gumboots out of his school bag, and waded across the marsh. But the Daddy Squirrel had no gumboots, so he returned home.

The next day, the Daddy Squirrel got his old pair of gumboots out of the shed, and followed his son down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path towards Squirrel school, and past Squirrel school, into the dark forest. After they walked along the path for a while (Junior Squirrel did not know that Daddy Squirrel was following him), they came across a marsh. The Junior Squirrel pulled a pair of gumboots out of his school bag, and waded across the marsh. After the junior Squirrel was out of earshot, the Daddy Squirrel pulled on his gumboots, and waded across the marsh. After following his son for a few hundred metres, they came across a sheer cliff face. His son pulled out from his bag, an abseiling kit, and abseiled down the cliff. The rope wasn't strong enough for Daddy Squirrel, so he went back home.

The next day, Daddy Squirrel brought a pair of gumboots and his old abseiling kit from the shed and followed his son down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path towards Squirrel school, and past Squirrel school, into the dark forest. After they walked along the path for a while (Junior Squirrel did not know that Daddy Squirrel was following him), they came across a marsh. The Junior Squirrel pulled a pair of gumboots out of his school bag, and waded across the marsh. After the junior Squirrel was out of earshot, the Daddy Squirrel pulled on his gumboots, and waded across the marsh. After following his son for a few hundred metres, they came across a sheer cliff face. His son pulled out from his bag, an abseiling kit, and abseiled down the cliff. The rope wasn't strong enough for Daddy Squirrel, but he set up his own rope and abseiled down the cliff after his son. Eventually they came across a wide, and deep river. Junior Squirrel pulled out from his backpack an inflatable raft, blew it up (huff, puff), then paddled across the river. But the Daddy Squirrel didn't want to get wet (or drowned) so he went back home.

The next morning, Daddy Squirrel brought his gumboots, an old abseiling kit, and an inflatable life raft from the shed and followed his son down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path towards Squirrel school, and past Squirrel school, into the dark forest. After they walked along the path for a while (Junior Squirrel did not know that Daddy Squirrel was following him), they came across a marsh. The Junior Squirrel pulled a pair of gumboots out of his school bag, and waded across the marsh. After the junior Squirrel was out of earshot, the Daddy Squirrel pulled on his gumboots, and waded across the marsh. After following his son for a few hundred metres, they came across a sheer cliff face. His son pulled out from his bag, an abseiling kit, and abseiled down the cliff. The rope wasn't strong enough for Daddy Squirrel, but he set up his own rope and abseiled down the cliff after his son. Eventually they came across a wide, and deep river. Junior Squirrel pulled out from his backpack an inflatable raft, blew it up (huff, puff), then paddled across the river. Daddy Squirrel pulled out his inflatable life raft, blew it up (huff, puff) and paddled after his son, across the river. After some time, they came across a chasm, with an overhanging tree. Junior pulled a grappling hook out from his backpack, threw it across to the tree, and swung across the chasm. But Daddy Squirrel didn't have a grappling hook, so he went home.

The next morning, Daddy Squirrel brought his gumboots, an old abseiling kit, an inflatable life raft, and a grappling hook from the shed and followed his son down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path towards Squirrel school, and past Squirrel school, into the dark forest. After they walked along the path for a while (Junior Squirrel did not know that Daddy Squirrel was following him), they came across a marsh. The Junior Squirrel pulled a pair of gumboots out of his school bag, and waded across the marsh. After the junior Squirrel was out of earshot, the Daddy Squirrel pulled on his gumboots, and waded across the marsh. After following his son for a few hundred metres, they came across a sheer cliff face. His son pulled out from his bag, an abseiling kit, and abseiled down the cliff. The rope wasn't strong enough for Daddy Squirrel, but he set up his own rope and abseiled down the cliff after his son. Eventually they came across a wide, and deep river. Junior Squirrel pulled out from his backpack an inflatable raft, blew it up (huff, puff), then paddled across the river. Daddy Squirrel pulled out his inflatable life raft, blew it up (huff, puff) and paddled after his son, across the river. After some time, they came across a chasm, with an overhanging tree. Junior pulled a grappling hook out from his backpack, threw it across to the tree, and swung across the chasm. Then, Daddy Squirrel pulled out his grappling hook from his bag, threw it across to the tree, and swung onto the other side. After following his son across the chasm, they soon came to a fearsome gate, guarded by masked legionnaires; Junior Squirrel pulled out, from his backpack, a set of papers, signed by the Squirrel King, allowing him to pass. But Daddy Squirrel hadn't brought his papers signed by the Squirrel King, so he went back home.

The next morning, Daddy Squirrel brought his gumboots, an old abseiling kit, an inflatable life raft, a grappling hook, and documents signed by the Squirrel King from the shed and followed his son down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path towards Squirrel school, and past Squirrel school, into the dark forest. After they walked along the path for a while (Junior Squirrel did not know that Daddy Squirrel was following him), they came across a marsh. The Junior Squirrel pulled a pair of gumboots out of his school bag, and waded across the marsh. After the junior Squirrel was out of earshot, the Daddy Squirrel pulled on his gumboots, and waded across the marsh. After following his son for a few hundred metres, they came across a sheer cliff face. His son pulled out from his bag, an abseiling kit, and abseiled down the cliff. The rope wasn't strong enough for Daddy Squirrel, but he set up his own rope and abseiled down the cliff after his son. Eventually they came across a wide, and deep river. Junior Squirrel pulled out from his backpack an inflatable raft, blew it up (huff, puff), then paddled across the river. Daddy Squirrel pulled out his inflatable life raft, blew it up (huff, puff) and paddled after his son, across the river. After some time, they came across a chasm, with an overhanging tree. Junior pulled a grappling hook out from his backpack, threw it across to the tree, and swung across the chasm. Then, Daddy Squirrel pulled out his grappling hook from his bag, threw it across to the tree, and swung onto the other side. After following his son across the chasm, they soon came to a fearsome gate, guarded by masked legionnaires; Junior Squirrel pulled out, from his backpack, a set of papers, signed by the Squirrel King, allowing him to pass. Daddy Squirrel got out his Squirrel Papers, and after some scrutiny from the guards, was allowed to pass. He followed his son along the path, until they came across a mysterious temple, full of Squirrel Cultists, Junior Squirrel walked over to the Adept Squirrel, and pulled out an offering of a Squirrel Heart from his backpack. The Adept devoured it immediately and allowed junior Squirrel to pass through the temple. But Daddy Squirrel didn't have a heart (that he was willing to spare), so he went home.

The next morning, Daddy Squirrel brought his gumboots, an old abseiling kit, an inflatable life raft, a grappling hook, documents signed by the Squirrel King, and a Squirrel Heart from the shed and followed his son down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path towards Squirrel school, and past Squirrel school, into the dark forest. After they walked along the path for a while (Junior Squirrel did not know that Daddy Squirrel was following him), they came across a marsh. The Junior Squirrel pulled a pair of gumboots out of his school bag, and waded across the marsh. After the junior Squirrel was out of earshot, the Daddy Squirrel pulled on his gumboots, and waded across the marsh. After following his son for a few hundred metres, they came across a sheer cliff face. His son pulled out from his bag, an abseiling kit, and abseiled down the cliff. The rope wasn't strong enough for Daddy Squirrel, but he set up his own rope and abseiled down the cliff after his son. Eventually they came across a wide, and deep river. Junior Squirrel pulled out from his backpack an inflatable raft, blew it up (huff, puff), then paddled across the river. Daddy Squirrel pulled out his inflatable life raft, blew it up (huff, puff) and paddled after his son, across the river. After some time, they came across a chasm, with an overhanging tree. Junior pulled a grappling hook out from his backpack, threw it across to the tree, and swung across the chasm. Then, Daddy Squirrel pulled out his grappling hook from his bag, threw it across to the tree, and swung onto the other side. After following his son across the chasm, they soon came to a fearsome gate, guarded by masked legionnaires; Junior Squirrel pulled out, from his backpack, a set of papers, signed by the Squirrel King, allowing him to pass. Daddy Squirrel got out his Squirrel Papers, and after some scrutiny from the guards, was allowed to pass. He followed his son along the path, until they came across a mysterious temple, full of Squirrel Cultists, Junior Squirrel walked over to the Adept Squirrel, and pulled out an offering of a Squirrel Heart from his backpack. The Adept devoured it immediately and allowed junior Squirrel to pass through the temple. Daddy Squirrel brought his offering to the Adept Squirrel, and was allowed to pass. After going along the dark path for a few hundred metres, the Squirrels came across a dark cavern. The Junior Squirrel pulled a flashlight from his backpack, and crept into the dark cavern. But Daddy Squirrel had no flashlight, so he went back home.

The next morning, Daddy Squirrel brought his gumboots, an old abseiling kit, an inflatable life raft, a grappling hook, documents signed by the Squirrel King, a Squirrel Heart and a flashlight from the shed and followed his son down the tree, through the forest, past the pond, and along the path towards Squirrel school, and past Squirrel school, into the dark forest. After they walked along the path for a while (Junior Squirrel did not know that Daddy Squirrel was following him), they came across a marsh. The Junior Squirrel pulled a pair of gumboots out of his school bag, and waded across the marsh. After the junior Squirrel was out of earshot, the Daddy Squirrel pulled on his gumboots, and waded across the marsh. After following his son for a few hundred metres, they came across a sheer cliff face. His son pulled out from his bag, an abseiling kit, and abseiled down the cliff. The rope wasn't strong enough for Daddy Squirrel, but he set up his own rope and abseiled down the cliff after his son. Eventually they came across a wide, and deep river. Junior Squirrel pulled out from his backpack an inflatable raft, blew it up (huff, puff), then paddled across the river. Daddy Squirrel pulled out his inflatable life raft, blew it up (huff, puff) and paddled after his son, across the river. After some time, they came across a chasm, with an overhanging tree. Junior pulled a grappling hook out from his backpack, threw it across to the tree, and swung across the chasm. Then, Daddy Squirrel pulled out his grappling hook from his bag, threw it across to the tree, and swung onto the other side. After following his son across the chasm, they soon came to a fearsome gate, guarded by masked legionnaires; Junior Squirrel pulled out, from his backpack, a set of papers, signed by the Squirrel King, allowing him to pass. Daddy Squirrel got out his Squirrel Papers, and after some scrutiny from the guards, was allowed to pass. He followed his son along the path, until they came across a mysterious temple, full of Squirrel Cultists, Junior Squirrel walked over to the Adept Squirrel, and pulled out an offering of a Squirrel Heart from his backpack. The Adept devoured it immediately and allowed junior Squirrel to pass through the temple. Daddy Squirrel brought his offering to the Adept Squirrel, and was allowed to pass. After going along the dark path for a few hundred metres, the Squirrels came across a dark cavern. The Junior Squirrel pulled a flashlight from his backpack, and crept into the dark cavern. Daddy Squirrel got his flashlight, and followed his son into the cave. Eventually they came across a corner. The Daddy Squirrel decided to wait at the corner for his son to come back, so he switched off his flashlight and sat down.
After a few minutes, Daddy Squirrel heard a horrible crunching noise coming from around the corner. Fearing for his son's safety, Daddy Squirrel turned on his flashlight, and dashed around the corner. He walked in to an open area, and there he saw his Son, Junior Squirrel sitting on a huge pile of Acorns, feasting on them. He yelled to his son
"OI! What do you think you're doing?"
And his son replied, guiltily.

"Err… Nutting"

Business is Business"

One day at kindergarten, a teacher said to the class
of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $5 to the child who can tell
me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was
St. Patrick."

The Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said,
"It was St. Andrew."

The Teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right
either."

Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said,
"It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come
up here and I'll give you the $5."

As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said,
"You know, Marvin, since your're Jewish, I was very
surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."

Marvin replied, "Well. In my heart, I knew it was Moses,
but business is business."

ITALIAN HONEYMOON

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da honeamoona?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brough ta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.' So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to l ighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at a top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."

Jewish? Who's Jewish?
In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from New York treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.
"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks."
"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."
"Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?"

"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"

Jesus and his Apostles were wandering through Galilee, and came into a village where the residents were preparing to stone an "unclean" woman to death.

Jesus strode into the midst of the crowd, and said unto the citizens, "Let he among you who is without sin, cast the first stone." The villagers looked to one another in shame, and one-by-one dropped their stones and turned away.

Suddenly, a rock from the back of the crowd flew forward, striking the unclean woman in the forehead and killing her on the spot.

Jesus threw up his hands in frustration and yelled, "You know, mother- sometimes you really tick me off!!!"

Here's one for the educators out there .......