@cherrie,
When I went on my first date with my wife she brought Sean Connery along as a chaperone. I could feel this bond between us.
Wife: Have I gotten fat during the quarantine?
Husband: You weren't really skinny to begin with.
Time of Death: 11:00pm.
Cause: Covid.
When I first started working at a school I mistakenly used the pupil’s toilets instead of the staff one.
I’m too old for this ****.
When you sneeze, why do people say, "Goes in tight?"
@Frank Apisa,
i dunno, but it always "comes out loose"...
This is neither funny nor bad but nowhere else to put it so...
Knock. knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
It's 'to whom'.
@lmur,
maybe on the pet peeves thread?
https://able2know.org/topic/21607-1
I still don't understand why there is Braille on drive up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word;
An irritable old sportsman was aroused from his bed at three o'clock in the morning by the insistent ringing of his doorbell. On answering he found a seedy drunkard struggling hard to maintain his equilibrium.
"What do you mean by waking me up at this hour?"
"Ish you Mr. Smithers?"
"Yes, yes. What of it?"
"Ish you the gent what advertised for a partner to go lion huntin' in Africa?"
"Yer, I'm the gentleman. What do you want to know about it?"
"Nuthin', 'ceptin' I just wanted to tell you that on no condishuns whatsoever will I go with you."
@hightor,
What is green and jumps from bed to bed?
A frogstitute.
From Viz letters.
A mate of mine told me you have to put your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden.
How the **** am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?
He won the nobell prize
@Walter Hinteler,
Walter Hinteler wrote:
What is green and jumps from bed to bed?
A frogstitute.
Walter, what is the punchline to this joke in German?
Did ja hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Sam and Steve, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Sam stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie popped out.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Sam blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter !"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Steve looked disgustedly at Sam whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Steve said, "Nice going Sam ! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
"The Owls have a spy in our midst!"
"Who?"
<narrows eyes>
