Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

So I went to the doctor with a sore throat. "Say awww", he said. So I did, but he didn't actually do anything. "Why did you get me to say 'awww'?" I asked. He replied: "My goldfish died."

Maude and John, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida.

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, John asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined John for a most enjoyable roll in the sack.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts...

John was thinking... If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.

Maude was thinking... If I'd known he could still do it, I would have taken off my pantyhose!

> The Spoon>> A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.>>

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, "Steve's Place," and > noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt > pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and > utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I > looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When > the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?">> "Well, "he explained, "the restau rant's owner hired Andersen Consulting > to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they > concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It > represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. > If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips > back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.">> As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his > spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of > making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed > that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I > saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. > So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you > tell me why you have that string right there?">> "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. > That consulting firm I mentioned also l earned that we can save time in > the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can > pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, > shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.>> I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?">> "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon>

picked up this little gem yesterday - perhaps it's already well-known to most americans .

president and mrs. calvin coolidge were visiting a chicken-farm .
mrs. coolidge noticed that the rooster was rather busy having his way with the hens .
she asked the farmer who gave them a guided tour : "tell me , my good man , how often does the rooster have his way with the hens in a day ? " .
"oh , haven't really counted , but i'd say about twenty to thirty times a day , mam " , replied the farmer .
"would you mind telling that to mr. coolidge ,please " , said the mrs .
so the farmer did .
"so it's the some old hen all the time ?" , asked the pres .
"oh no , always a different one , mr president " , replied the farmer .
"please tell that to mrs. coolidge " , said the pres .


i was reading in bed and just couldn't stop chuckling - finally had to tell mrs. h :wink:

"Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special."

"To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird."

"What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?"

"Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish."

"Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish."

"That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?"

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said
To her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
Machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
Plug."

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my diet coke.

Remember when Mom told you, "Never take candy from a stranger?" 'Twas to him she referred.

Went to a posh restaurant the other day.

Drinks waiter came over and gave me a drink

Food waiter came over and gave me some food

Head waiter came over.......

LORD HAVE MERCY! yikes - you ain't kiddin'

I thought it was like, she usually never got nothing in return for giving her hubby sex..

A new waiters first day in a very posh restaurant.

A diner asks him for a match. He heads over to the Maitre De and tells him about the request.

Maitre De says - 'Matches are gauche, this is THE restaurant, our clients are several cuts above the common riff raff - you should always carry a stylish cigarette lighter, here use mine.' and hands the new waiter a gold plated lighter.

The waiter heads back to the diner proferring the lighter. The diner looks at him and says, 'You dickhead, how am I supposed to pick my teeth with a cigarette lighter?'

Hey hinge, I know your avatar is an indictment of the US as a terrorist state, but those assholes in VN did the same thing the Taliban is doing in Afghanistan. They intentionally put their women and children in the line of fire so that we don't... and we don't.... it's cost hundreds of American lives in the name of doing it the right way.

You believe what you want, but many of us know the truth, it's so obvious it's stupid.

Actually it was aimed at, I think, McGentrix's WTC icon with the same words. I thought millions vietnamese lives ended prematurely in their own country a world away from yours and mine deserved equal time.

Your cranium in anus stupidity never fails to both horrify and amuse me.

If I do anything that annoys you I feel good for the rest of the day, such is the contempt with which I hold your opinions.

Maybe I'm overreading? Maybe your post is just a really bad joke?

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN....

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep and It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

Anything that horrifies a chicken **** idiot is a good thing. Have a horrific day.

And I do mean to offend. The culture war is in full force. Some of us still remember what the USA is about and what allowed it to be. And it isn't people like you.

There there little fellah, have a bex and a nice lie down.

PINK CURTAINS

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people. You should have said there is something
Wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further
with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose