What's the difference between being blond and being homosexual?
You don't have to tell your parents you're blond.
And that's the PC-version...
Dining out
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politician?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh--, it takes all morning."
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR. EVERY YEAR,
MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER." ESTHER ALWAYS
REPLIED, " I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50
DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR. MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER,
I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT NEVER GET
ANOTHER CHANCE." ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL
TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND
NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED --- AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF
FANCY MANEUVERS. BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER
AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD. WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO
MORRIS.
HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU
DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"
MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,
BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE OFFICE CONTEST TO BEAT ALL OFFICE CONTESTS
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is
one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of
having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was
to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The
only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for
other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations
were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a
Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the
week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs
A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
phone rang. <>
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his
test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right
away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing
down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number
was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
moaning.
A man commissioned Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks." When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet. Returning the photo Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"
Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home
lives, one said, "Seems like all we do is fight anymore. I've been so
upset that I've lost twenty pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him?" asked the friend.
"Oh! Not yet," the first replied. "I'd like to lose at least another
fifteen pounds first."
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye when he replied:
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
old german joke :
suzy visits her friend erika who just had her second set of twins in the hospital .
suzy : "do you always get twins ?" .
erica : " no , usually nothing , absolutely nothing ! " .
well you must be thick
(normally, when she has sex, she produces nothing at all)
I suppose one must be german to see the humor in that ?joke?
Geometry: What a little acorn says when he grows up.
Gee I'm a tree
took me a while
WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary.
For my 65th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress
MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps . I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
