Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

A fellow enters a barbershop for a shave. As the barber is lathering him up the man complains, "I never seem to be able to get a close enough shave in the cheek area."

The barber says, "I have just the thing," and produces a small wooden ball from the drawer. "Place this between your cheek and gum."

The fellow does so and gets the closest shave he has ever had. Through garbled speech he asks, "But what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," replies the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the
driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and
shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your
bags; I won the damn lottery!" The husband says,
"Ohmigod! No ****?! What should I pack, beach
stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "it doesn't matter....just
get the hell out!"

Very funny.

> FOR HUSBANDS WHO PREFER YOUNGER WOMEN:
>
> A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining
> room table:
>
> "To My Dear Wife,
> You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
> years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you
> as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will
> not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
> 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I
> shall be home before midnight."
>
> When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter
> on the dining room table:
>
> "My Dear Husband,
> I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
> years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
> also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I
> would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel
> Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis
> coach. He is young, virile and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
>
> As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
> will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
> difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
> Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

Wednesday's groaner...........

A piece of string walks up to the doors of a night club and the big hairy bouncer says "Nah mate, we don't allow pieces of string in. Now rack off "

The piece of sting walks to his car, ties himself into a knot and roughs his hair up, then walks back up to the door. The bouncer looks him up and down and says "Aren't you that piece of string I told to rack off "?

The piece of string turns to him and says "Naah mate, I'm a frayed knot".

Dutchy
One more like that will get you banned :wink:

I'll make up for the previous one.



Bed sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'
The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost.'
Happy Halloween

That was good Not deserving of this forum, however, since you have so many good rotten ones, we'll let it stand. Now, can you explain the other?

Mame wrote:
That was good Not deserving of this forum, however, since you have so many good rotten ones, we'll let it stand. Now, can you explain the other?

I'm afraid not.

Ha! So you didn't get it either!

Ha! So you didn't get it either! And don't you mean, you're "a frayed knot"? snork

Two Mexican gentlemen had really tied one on with a few bottles of tequila and woke to find themselves stranded in the middle of the desert with no food, water or transport. They walked for some miles until they dropped to their knees. Realising they had to keep moving they began to crawl on their hands and knees.

Suddenly one lifted his head:
'Pablo', he croaked, 'Can you smell that??'
'I can't smell nothing' whispered his friend through parched, cracked lips.
Juan sniffed the air again. 'Pablo, you must be able to smell that - it ees bacon.'
'You are loco, Juan! I don't smell no stinkin' bacon. There ees no bacon in the desert!'
Juan crawled towards the peak of the sand dune he was ascending. Finally, after achieving his goal, he peered over the dune. There, in the little valley down below, was a tree, a tree covered in bacon. Slabs of bacon, sliced rashers of bacon, bacon bones for soup - bacon - smoked, boiled, fried - you name it, there it was.
'Pablo!' he called back to his friend, 'Eet ees true! I can see eet. Eet ees a bacon tree! Come on, amigo, you must try hard to reach eet - we weell be saved!' Sliding over the top of the dune, Juan slipped down the other side and began the long, hard crawl to the bacon tree.
Mumbling to himself 'there ees no such theeng as a bacon tree', Pablo nevertheless dragged himself to the top of the dune and, peering over the top, he too saw the tree, the bacon tree. Amazed, and filled with new hope, he started down the dune. He watched as Juan, nearing the tree, gathered his resources and got to his feet. Stumbling forward, he had almost reached the tree when he was suddenly caught in a deadly cross-fire of rifle bullets. Staggering back towards his friend, he managed to raise his hands and called to Pablo - 'go back, amigo! You were right! Thees ees not a bacon tree. Thees ees a ham bush! '

I got it alright, see if you can get this one.

FANNIE GREEN!!!!!!

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes"

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Ed has been missing since Friday.

For Dutchy.....

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed
for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know
of?"

The first man replied, "A thought , It pops into your head, there's no
forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good," replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked
the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes
and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know
of."

"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the
pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light
is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed
with the third answer and thought he had found his man.

"It's hard to beat the speed of light.", he said. Turning to the fourth
man, an Australian, he posed the same question.

"Well... after hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the
fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the Aussie. "What?" said the
interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh, I can explain," said the
Aussie, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the
bathroom. But, before I could think, blink,or turn on the light, I sh*t
my pants."

He got the job.

Loved it mismi

MY TYPE OF GAL

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well known artist.

She told the artist, "Paint me with one-carat diamond earrings, a large 2 carat diamond ring with baguettes...glimmering emerald bracelets and a beautiful red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things".

I know" said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die, I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry!

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question, "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"



Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."



The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"



Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."



"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Eddie, can you show us your good manners?"



"I would say darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."



The teacher fainted.

Great jokes misme40 :-) :-)
I needed a good laugh ...

That remains a classic

HOW LONG

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life
again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me
that after having their tonsils out