You made me laugh out loud.
In order to catch a bus, first one must think like a bus.
Sounds like a Steven Wright joke. I love his humor.
That's not kosher but I still like it!
A Former Buddhist Monk approaches a burger food truck and says “make me one with everything.”
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
The vendor replies, “change comes from within”.
As we progress into 2015, I want to say thanks for the educational emails that I received in 2014. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
A paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
My ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
The lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
Only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
Driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
Is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
Can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have
Consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
In the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
Sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
The same reason.
I can't have a drink in a barbecause I fear I'll wake up
In a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
Mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
Seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
In the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinemabecause I could be pricked with a
Needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. Don't forget about the bed bugs!
I no longer go to shopping centersbecause someone will drug
Me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
Me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
Calls to Jamaica , Uganda, etc.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
Dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
Placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
By the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
The next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
On your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrowafternoon, and the
Fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
To grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
Actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
Ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
Has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
Read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out
Of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they go to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, the first guy says, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gives him $300, a week's unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation.
"Diesel fitter," he replies.
Since diesel fitter is a skilled job the clerk gives the second guy $600 a week.
When the first guy finds out he's furious. He storms back in to find out why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay. The clerk explains: "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yells the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on and he pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.' "
There's the undoubted winner! Absolutely worst joke ever posted on this thread. Pitiful. Congrats, Phoenix!