@hingehead,
Quote:If the farmer picked up the eggs every day how were there any chicks?
Ask the farmer. Take I95 North, turn right when you see the gas station with an old TV antenna, go straight about 10 miles, and you can see the house. You won't get lost, there are some 2 x 4s and other long wood tablets at the front, leftovers of a wall repair.
Statistically three out of five people are not the other two.
Fact: The human body has enough bones to make an entire skeleton.
Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not Happy.
Death is the number one killer on the planet,
while life is the number one sexually transmitted disease.
This is all so depressing . . .
Thank God i'm an atheist!
In a truly amazing game, the Toledo Mud Hens pounded a New York Yankees touring team 10 to 1.
Fowl play is suspected.
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near Greater Boston recently, and there was great concern that they might have died from avian flu.
A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
Operator: This is 911. What is your emergency?
Caller: I think my wife has gone into labor.
Operator: I see. Is this her first child?
Caller: No, this is her husband.
I told my Mum she's drawing her eyebrows in too high.
She seemed surprised.
A magician received lots of claps by the audience in his show. He was so happy that he decided to give more to the public because their great appreciation for his magic.
-You have been so good with me that I will perform a miracle for you.
-Yeah! Hurray! Claps by lots-, the public was exited to see more magic tricks.
-Someone with a problem, rise your hand!
From the public, a guy raised his hand.
-What is your problem, your health condition? - asked the magician.
-I.. I... I'm a ehtammer...
-Very well-, complied the magician, -we have a stammer to be cured today!
-Yeah! Hurray! Claps by lots-, the public responded with jubilee.
The magician can't handle anymore, and with cries said.
-Do you know what? you are so beautiful that I will perform not one but two miracles!
That place became an orgy of happiness.
-Lets see, another person who want to be cured, rise your hands!
A man cried loud, -Me! - but he can't rise his hands because he was a cripple using crutches.
-Good enough! said the magician. And he called the stammer and the cripple to his side, and he ordered them to go behind the curtain that was on the back of the scenario.
When both men were behind the curtain, the magician said his magic words.
-Abracadabra, cripple, release the crutches and come out walking!
-Pump! -a sound of the crutches was heard hitting the floor.
The Magician continued.
-Abracadabra, stammer, talk!
From behind the curtain a loud voice was heard.
-Tha crippe fell on eh flooh! ... tha crippe fell on eh flooh!
@TheTweetOfGod
It's easy to blame other people for your problems. Seriously, try it.
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket. He said, "Hey, boy. How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
@FBM,
reminds me of a Steven Wright (?) joke:
Quote:When I die, I'd like to die in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the people riding in the car.
@McGentrix,
And that reminds me of a joke from the late, great Tommy Cooper.
I paraphrase....
"Why is it that when I scream in a Library, everyone tells me to shush, but when I scream on a plane, everyone joins in?"
Brand new joke by tedious Carlos Le Baron.
How do you say "atomic bomb" in Russian?
"Neithershit Isleft.
