How can you tell if your girlfriend is having an affair with an elephant?
You take her out for drinks, and when she sits on the bar stool, she goes all the way to the floor.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Well, assuming you could actually get the two to mate, I'm guessing you'd get some kind of mutant offspring that would be neither rhetorical nor joking.
Murder at Costco
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this....)
"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco"
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.
In a local University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming President.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating: "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Joe and Julie had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: Julie kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade Joe from ever opening.
But when she was on her deathbed – and with her blessing – Joe opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” Julie explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Joe was touched. Only one doll was in the box – that meant Julie had been angry with him only once in 60 years!
“But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” Julie said, “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
The diabolical part about Spanish gender pronouns
i make no apologies for this...
By Jove, I think you're right.
This bad joke was told today by Pope Francis to the president of Ecuador, Rafael Correa.
(Context: Argentinians are known for being conceited, and there is whole generation of jokes about them)
Pope: "Everybody was kind of surprised when I chose the name Francis. Being an Argentinian, they were expecting me to choose Jesus II".
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grand mother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
The old woman was dying on bed.
The sons and daughters were in the room surrounding the bed of the dying mother.
One of the sons was the "Judas Iscariot" of her family and he was wishing for his mother to die and finally make the partition of their inheritance.
Suddenly, the mother started to have a kind of attack and her breathing became hard almost suffocating her by the lack of air.
Immediately all the children jumped over the bed on the side of their mother crying and imploring for her survival.
-Nooo!!! Mom! Don't die!... Please mom, resist!!!
On the other hand, the evil son was on one side watching the brothers and sisters and smiling was pronouncing his cursing.
-Yes!... Die old woman!... I need the money... Die now!... Yes!... Yes!... Yes!...
In that moment, a fly got into the room, and the old woman saw it. And the old woman stop her fight against the attack and very calmly started to follow the flying to the insect which was going around and around over her. Her eyes were also doing circles following the fly.
The sons and brothers with their open mouths felt a relief when they saw the recovering of the mother.
But, the evil son got desperate, and rising his hands and waving them as a sign of impotence screamed.
-Oh, Come on mom!... don't get distracted now! Pay attention to what you were doing!!!
And don't forget the so-called 'test tube babies,' Phoenix.