Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Tsk.

He was humming because he didn't know the words folks.

Bazinga!

Is that the noise it makes?

This is amazing. One of the worst jokes on this thread gathers more commentary than any other. Is it worth discussing?

I don't know Andy.

You're discussing it as well.

I thought that was what the thread was aiming for. It is labelled "Really bad jokes!"

Get ready to groan.

Where do bees go to the bathroom?



000000000000000000000At the BP station

People in South Boston really hate living on M Street.
Why is that?
Because you have to walk three blocks to P.

I jarred something loose did I?

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A. He wanted cold hard cash!

A Texan farmer comes to Australia for a holiday. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, ‘Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice the size.’
The Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ‘We have longhorns that are at least twice as big as your cows.’
When the Texan sees a mob of kangaroos hopping through the field, he asks, ‘And what are those?’
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, ‘Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?’

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in
love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to
Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not
old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that
should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well
Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one
more
question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children
of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so
far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little joker is adorable.

Two Maine Swamp Yankees were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the Pulpwood Plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off
moose huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

***

Oh, I guess you don't get Big Bang Theory.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: Hello
WOMAN: Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: Yes.
WOMAN: I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: How much?
WOMAN: $90,000.
MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it.
MAN: Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want.
WOMAN: OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!
MAN: Bye! I love you, too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, Anyone know whose phone this is?

Oldies and mostly really bad:
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner Talk about Dyson with death

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there
I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

Two guys in their mid-twenties sitting at a bar having a beer.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says,

"Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time, three times a night every night.
I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****".

Good one, Andy.

We get it, I don't watch it, too much canned laughter. I can't stand more than a couple of seconds before I have to turn over.

The wedding was a success. The groom and bride now husband and wife are at the reception. Claps and congratulations rained over the room.

At the time of giving vows, he promised to leave his former life as game player and a pimp, something that the new wife and her family accepted with happiness.

In honor of his vow, there were no gifts but lots of closed envelops full of cash given to both of them.

After the ceremony and party, they went to the hotel and made love all night long.

On the next day, around 11:00 am, the new husband was still a little drunk, he woke up, went to his pants, pulled one of the envelops out, and went back to bed, kissed the new wife, and with love told her softly in her ear.

"It was a fantastic night, thank you", and gave her a $500 bill.

The new wife opened her eyes, saw the money, and in silence she woke up, went to her purse, look up between the envelops and came back to bed.

"Thanks" and she gave him $200 change.