On his wedding night, the groom decides to tell his wife something he had been hiding from her.
“I didn’t want to tell you, but I’m a golf nut,” he says, “I live, eat, sleep, and think about nothing but golf all the time.”
“Well,” responds the wife, “I guess I have something to tell you also...something I've been afraid to tell you.”
She took a deep breath and said, “I’m…I’m a hooker. I have been for years.”
“Oh,” he says, “Don't worry about that. I can cure it. You just have to change your grip and stance a little bit.”
@izzythepush,
exactly my response, too!
The dumb son was to get married. He went to his father house for advice.
"Pa... Pa... what I do tomodow night?"
The father with patience explained him.
"Well my son, first of all, tomorrow you are going to get married, so you must take a shower, clean up yourself very well for the ceremony, and say 'yes' when the Preacher asks you to accept being the husband."
The dumb son asked with anxiety.
"And afte"... and afte?
"Well, after the ceremony will be a party so all the invited family and friends will have a good time, eating, dancing..."
"And afte?... And afte? Interrupted the son.
"Well, after the party you will go with your wife to a hotel for your Honeymoon. Here, you might take a shower again, please be clean and do things with love..."
"And afte?.. and afte? Interrupted the son again.
"Well, after that you will go inside the bed and wait for your wife to clean up herself and come to the bed..."
"And afte?... and afte?... interrupted the son with more anxiety.
"Well, next day you will have breakfast that is a compliment from the hotel for new married people...."
The son interrupted him again, at this time with affliction.
"And befo?... and befo?...
Three old ladies get together for a coffee klatsch.
One of them said: "Yesterday, I saw for the first time in my life a porn movie
and iiihhhhh, they licked where we go pee"
Says the other: "Oh yack, on the lid or the bowl?"
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch".
The man perks up.
"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife"?
"Yes I have", says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision"?
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision"? asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops".
How long does it take to eat a tire?
A good year!
Joshua, Peter and Jacob were walking in a solitary forest area of Central Park.
They saw a group of dudes who were approaching their position and that were carrying guns and two big leather bags.
The three friends hurried to hide and climbed to a big tree for safety. Jacob went to the top of it, Peter at the middle and Joshua between the lower branches.
To make things worst, the group of criminals stopped right at the bottom of the same tree and opened the big bags which was full of a good haul of money and jewelry.
Joshua can't hold it and said:
"Wow! That is a real treasure!"
The bag dudes heard him and pulled him from the tree and gave him three shots and threw his body on the side.
They started to count the money and separate the jewelry for each one. When they heard another voice.
"Hey! I'm a jewelry expert, and you are doing things wrong. The one who took the rings with diamonds is taking three times the value of the rest", said Peter.
The bad dudes pulled him, killed him and threw his body close to Joshua's.
Then, the criminals opened bottles of liquor and started to drink for about two hours, making plans for their next robbery.
In the middle of their conversation, one of the criminals commented,
"What a pair of idiots were these two guys. They knew that we are going to kill them after they saw our faces. I can't understand why they showed themselves exposing to be killed by us. If I was them, I should keep silence,"
A voice was heard after his comment. It was Jacob.
"Yup! and that is why I'm keeping my mouth shut!"
Teddy Roosevelt started the safaris in Africa, but he wasn't an expert shooting other kind of wild animals yet. It was his first time hunting lions and he separated himself from his group to have his own adventure.
Suddenly, when he was in the middle of a empty savanna, a furious lion appeared in front of him. Teddy Roosevelt prepared his rifle in a second, but at the time of shooting he found out that the trigger was jammed.
He stood up paralyzed in front of the beast. The lion roared with extreme force and one leg first, the another second, the beast accelerated fast against the human prey.
When the lion jumped and was landing over Roosevelt, the president reacted and moved himself barely a few inches to one side, and when the lion touched the ground the animal continued his travel sliding away... and away... and away...
Then, when the animal took control of his body, it turned around and faced Roosevelt's location again. The lion roared with a greater sound. The feline accelerated against the man and jumped with the claws ready to dismember the extremities of the human prey.
Roosevelt reacted the same way again, moving to one side and the lion landed on his side and continued sliding away... and away... and away....
This happened three more times, when his group of hunters arrived and shooting several times they killed the lion.
Roosevelt came back to America and told the story to the members of his Cabinet. One of them, full of admiration told him,
"Mr. president, you are a very brave man. If I was in your situation, I surely will be so afraid that I would sh*t on myself like having diarrhea."
Roosevelt replied with humility.
"And why do you think was the reason for the lion be sliding away... and away... and away....?
@carloslebaron,
This was the bit I found the funniest:
Quote:He stood up paralyzed
@Phoenix32890,
God will get you for that, Phoenix.
@hingehead,
Admit it hinge. He's getting better.
I heard a new knock-knock joke, if anybody wants to hear it.
