183
   

Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

 
 
hingehead
 
  2  
Reply Sat 3 Jan, 2015 04:29 pm
When a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds.
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  6  
Reply Mon 5 Jan, 2015 08:03 am
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quick bout of love making with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

There's a car being towed from the parking lot, he shouted.

An ambulance just drove by!

Looks like the Anderson's have company, he called out.

Matt's riding a new bike!

Looks like the Sanders are moving!

Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, The Coopers are having a root!!

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
How do you know that?

Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar!!!
0 Replies
 
McGentrix
 
  5  
Reply Mon 5 Jan, 2015 02:08 pm
Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first scientist says "I'll have a glass of H2O"

The second scientist says "I'll have a glass of water too. Why did you say H2O? Like, I know it's the chemical formula for water and all, but it's the end of the day and there's really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside work."

The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.
Builder
 
  5  
Reply Tue 6 Jan, 2015 04:44 am
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London England, has been fired,
much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating,

"This is Muhammad El Ajakar and I am very depressed.
I am lying here on a railway track.
I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."




Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  2  
Reply Tue 6 Jan, 2015 06:13 am
@McGentrix,
That's a blonde joke.


Get it?
0 Replies
 
George
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jan, 2015 06:41 am
@McGentrix,
I don't get it.
FBM
 
  2  
Reply Tue 6 Jan, 2015 07:01 am
@George,
George wrote:

I don't get it.


The next guy would say, "I want H2O, too." (H2O2)
0 Replies
 
George
 
  2  
Reply Tue 6 Jan, 2015 07:06 am
It's early morning here in Massachusetts as light dawns on Marblehead.
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Tue 6 Jan, 2015 04:23 pm
@George,
It's mid afternoon in Albuquerque, 60 degrees and lovely.
I needed help on that too, though I did catch on to the blonde thing when I got it.
0 Replies
 
carloslebaron
 
  0  
Reply Tue 6 Jan, 2015 09:24 pm
The French resistance were filled with amateur fighters who had not much training but lots of energy to battle against the Nazis.

One of them was given binoculars to check if the enemy was approaching.

After making a survey around, the French paramilitary shouted: "the enemy is coming!!!"

His superior asked him, "how many are seen on the horizon?"

"Ten Thousand Four, my captain!" responded the subordinate.

"What?" replied the superior, "give me the damn binoculars".

The Captain saw thousands of Germans coming and surrounding the area.

"How the hell you know that they are ten thousand four?"

"Because, my Captain, there are four of them two blocks from here... and about ten thousand of them far away behind..."
hingehead
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jan, 2015 09:30 pm
@carloslebaron,
I don't get this.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Jan, 2015 11:04 pm
@hingehead,
I don't think the French Resistance actually engaged in armed conflict. I could be wrong, but my understanding was their work was surreptitious, and engagement in efforts to disseminate mis-information, and providing Intell to the allies. But even 70 years after that war ended, we are still learning about risky operations that only a few knew about.

But I don't get the 'joke' either. Is it because it's not funny?
roger
 
  2  
Reply Wed 7 Jan, 2015 12:18 am
@glitterbag,
I think you got it. It looks like the shaggy dog school of jokes.
Lordyaswas
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Jan, 2015 02:05 am
@roger,
Testing.
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  3  
Reply Wed 7 Jan, 2015 04:33 am
None of Carlos' posts in this thread are funny.
Lordyaswas
 
  4  
Reply Wed 7 Jan, 2015 04:44 am
@Setanta,
Nope, I don't get it either, but it reminded me of one where the Cavalry are all lined up on parade inside the fort when the sentry shouts that there are Indians approaching.
The Captain asks for more detail and their cherokee scout goes down on all fours and presses his right ear to the ground.

After a short while he stands back up again and reports.

" There are approximately fifty approaching on horseback, Sir. Chief Running Deer is leading the party and is riding a white stallion."

"You can tell all this just by listening to them?", asks the Captain.

"No, Sir, I just knelt down and looked under the gate."
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Jan, 2015 04:47 am
Now that's a good one!
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Jan, 2015 04:50 am
@Lordyaswas,
That's what I mean - it's not comment on whether it's funny or not, I literally don't understand/get it.

It's like
'Hey there's a duck on the road.'
'How do you know?'
'I looked at the road and saw a duck.'

Post modernism of some inscrutable kind, perhaps?
FBM
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Jan, 2015 04:54 am
@hingehead,
What language did this duck speak whilst haggling over the price of the sofa?
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Wed 7 Jan, 2015 04:54 am
@hingehead,
If it was funny you'd be laughing.

An elephant is walking through the jungle and he comes across a mouse. "You're a really small and pathetically puny creature, " he sneered. To which the mouse replied, "Well I've not been well recently."
0 Replies
 
 

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