Father
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. " I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of many." The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said. "Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk him to get to the giraffe.
A legal alien walks into a bar in Los Angeles...
... and the bartender sez.. " Hi. We haven't seen one of you legal guys since June 1974!"
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
Life in a mental hospital.
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's
driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 and 2.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"
Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops
driving his imaginary truck and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some
rest."
"That's great" replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another
patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed
masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?"
To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in
Melbourne".
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
nimh wrote:au1929 wrote:WORLD WAR III IS COMING
President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"
Bush says, " I'm planning WW III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to the bartender and says,
"See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims".
Funny... political jokes never die, they just get reinvented over and over again to fit new circumstances.
I like that.
Here's how I heard this one, something like five years ago - wait - lemme find where I can copy/paste it from... - here ya go:
Vladimir Putin goes to bed one evening and Stalin appears to him in a dream.
Stalin asks him: 'Can I do anything to help you?' Putin thinks for a bit and then says: 'Everything is going terribly.. the economy is falling to pieces, the people are angry.. What am I to do?'
Stalin, without pausing for thought, answers: 'Execute the entire government, and paint the walls of the Kremlin blue.'
Putin is silent for a bit, and then asks, uncomprehendingly, "'Why blue?'
Upon which Stalin smiles slyly and replies: 'I knew that you'd only have questions about the second part..'"
Here's another version:
Abraham Lincoln appears to Beorge W. Bush in a dream. Bush says, "Your beloved Republican Party is falling apart, Abe. As your successor in the White House, I don't know what to do. What should I do?"
Lincoln says, "First get rid of Chaney and all the people who're giving you bad advice. Just have them killed or someting. Then, paint all the Metro stations orange."
"Why orange?" Bush asks.
"That's not really important," Lincoln says. "But I'm glad you agree with me on part one."
A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied.
"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.
"It's not safe," the doctor replied.
"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."
"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his
Right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
dyslexia decides to have an A2K party where A2K members are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc.
On the night of the party, Nimh arrives and dyslexia opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to nimh, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" Nimh says, "I'm green with NV". Dyslexia replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and Dianne opens the door to see a Calamity Jane covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.
Dianne says to CJ, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink." Dianne giggles and says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and dys opens the door to see Gus and Kicky, standing stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with his willy stuck in a pear. The dys is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?" Kicky replies, "Welllll, I'm foken discustard, and Gus here has just come in despair.
Bear's on "hold" and the machine has him listening to jokes instead of "muzak."
Why do Eskimo's wash their clothes in tide?
It's too cold out tide.
Did you hear about the cowboy that entered the saloon wearing nothing but paper?
They hung him fer rustling.
squinney, go to your room immediately! No TV for you tonight, young lady.
>
>A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened
> >>to her prayers, which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless
>Daddy,
> >>and
> >> God bless Grandma & good-bye Grandpa."
> >>
> >> The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little
>girl
> >> said,
> >> "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
> >>
> >> The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
> >> coincidence.
> >>
> >> A few months later the father put the girl to bed & listened to her
> >> prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy &
> >> good-bye Grandma."
> >>
> >> The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this
>
> >> kid is in contact with the other side.
> >>
> >> Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
>say:
> >> "God bless Mommy & good-bye Daddy."
> >>
> >> He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night & got up
>at
> >> the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all
>day,
> >> had lunch & watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
> >> midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of
> >> going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,
> >> looking at his watch & jumping at every sound.
> >>
> >> Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief & went home.
> >>
> >> When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
>what's
>
> >> the matter?"
> >>
> >> He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day
>of
> >> my life."
> >>
> >> She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
> >> happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of
>my
> >> lesson!"
>
>
>
Whats black and white and read all over?
A newspaper
What's black and white and red all over?
An embarassed zebra.
What's black and white and red all over?
A bleedin' nun.
Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row,
with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the
agent, and shakes his head "no."
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the
entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates... But begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the
fans would love it!
Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ok! If that is what the people want.
Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts
her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you !"$#@&!&! The crowd goes
absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and
hollering, and high-fiving.
Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never
believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing that the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong?
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first
Pitch!"
2 blonds walk in to a bar you think one of them would of seen it
