Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

WHY WOMEN TAKE SO LONG IN THE LOO

When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women
waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally
gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.
Every cubicle is occupied.
But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the
woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't lock. It doesn't matter, the wait has
been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
modern 'seat covers' is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn't so you carefully, but
quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume 'the position'.
In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You
would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'the position'.
To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it's empty, the toilet
roll dispenser is empty. You hover looking around in the hope there's a
new roll behind you no such luck. Your thighs start to shake more.
Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday the one that's still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck & shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled used tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door cubicle door and because the latch doesn't work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue, the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and topple backwards. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach to push the door shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just managed to retrieve with your index finger into an 'unknown' puddle on the floor.
If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether, or just give up
and... sit down ... directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
Yes - it's wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ & life form that lives on the uncovered seat.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire
hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely
covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various life
forms and down into your dishevelled pants which have now dropped to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.
The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a
piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out
inconspicuously to the sinks.
You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the basin itself.
You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where
of course there are no paper towels so you more onto the hand blower,
which yes you've guessed it that doesn't work either!
You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an
unspoken understanding between you all.
A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you have
a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you
NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this'.
As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?'
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long and it also answers that commonly asked question Why do women always go to the loos in pairs?
It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you
tissue under the door

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"

Bush says, " I'm planning WW III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?


Why kill a blonde with big tits?"


Bush turns to the bartender and says,

"See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims".

Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first Newfie says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

I had an accident on the way to work this morning - ran up the bum of the
car in front of me at the lights cos I wasn't paying attention. You know
what it's like.

Anyway, the guy I hit got out of his car.................
And he was a dwarf!!!

He said "I'm not happy.........'
I said "Well, which one are you then.............?'

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

This is really wet ( no pun intended ) but I've always loved this joke.

Did you hear what happened to the irish setter? (Dog)

The tree pissed on it.

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop & explained his situation.

The man there said, "Well, I don't know that t I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what"? The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"

The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" And the penis stopped & returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch". The penis shot to her crotch.

It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

The rest, as they say, is history...

A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere,
tubes running over his body like a spider's web, nearly comatose.
A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very
nearly the same condition.

Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes
puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few
days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his
hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to
himself and wheezed out, "Jim...........my."

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day before
they had the strength to try again.The first man weakly pointed
to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish."

The second man replied, "Irish."

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In
another couple of days they were at it again.

Jimmy took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength
to cough out, "Glasgow."

Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."

This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.

"Cancer," said Jimmy.

Paddy replied, "Sagittarius."

A brunette and a blonde were walking down the street.

The brunette says: Oh, look, a little dead bird!

The blonde, raising her head and looking at the sky: Where, where?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "It's elementary my dear Watson, someone has stolen our tent!"

THAT was very funny

Once upon a time, a Witch Doctor was visited by a toad. The toad was toad-like in all respects apart from an unfortunate yellowish pigmentation. He begged the Witch Doctor to cast a spell that would convert him to his proper colouring.

The Witch Doctor cast an appropriate spell and, in an instant, the toad was reddish-brown, except for his penis, which remained yellow.

"Kind Witch Doctor, is there a further spell that will rid me of this hideous deformity?" the toad asked. Alas, the Witch Doctor's armoury had been exhausted. "But if you travel deep into the forest, there is a Wizard there who is more powerful than I. Beware; there are many charlatans who will promise much but yield treachery. The Wizard you seek resembles none other than legendary pop sensation, Elton John."

Away went the toad. Very shortly thereafter, a Pink Elephant arrived, in floods of tears and begging to be made normal again. The Witch Doctor took pity and cast the spell. Instantly, the elephant was grey, except, of course, for his penis, which retained its pinkie hue.

What shall I do?" exclaimed the beast, "whereas before I had a certain novelty value and occasioned but a passing chuckle, now I shall be the laughing stock of the elephantine community."

The Witch Doctor could but proffer the advice he had earlier given to the toad. "Seek you must the forest-dwelling Wizard. He that is a zinger for Elton John".

The elephant looked around wildly. "But in which direction should I commence my search."

"That is easy", replied the Witch Doctor













"Follow the yellow-prick toad."

Speaking of witch-doctors . . .

A man came to see a witch-doctor. He was distraught, depressed and desperate. "About seven years ago," the man told the shaman, "someone put an awful curse on me. My life has been misery ever since. Is there any way that you, o powerful one, can reverse the curse?"

The witch-doctor stroked his chin and asked, "Do you remember the exact words of the curse?"

"Well, it was something like 'Do you take this woman to be your lawful, wedded...'"

Scottish joke for ye...

A guy, looking all the world like he has had enough, walks into a Glasgow library and said to the Librarian, "....Excuse me Miss, day ye harv eni books on 'Suicide'....?"

To which the prim Miss stops doing her tasks, looked at him over the top of her bi-focals and said, "Fook off...., ye'll no bring it back.....!"

Have you tried Kentucky Freud Chicken?

It's motherf***in' good.

<groans>

<grins>

I don't know if this one's been told already, but...

A chicken and an egg were in bed together. The chicken lights a cigarette and says, "Well, I guess that answers THAT question."


**ba dum, che**

Another blond one.......

Bob walked into a bar around 9:50pm.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering a
story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the
ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the
5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

Very funny, but you forgot to mention that she was a fundamentalist blond.

Funny... political jokes never die, they just get reinvented over and over again to fit new circumstances.

I like that.

Here's how I heard this one, something like five years ago - wait - lemme find where I can copy/paste it from... - here ya go:

Vladimir Putin goes to bed one evening and Stalin appears to him in a dream. Stalin asks him: 'Can I do anything to help you?' Putin thinks for a bit and then says: 'Everything is going terribly.. the economy is falling to pieces, the people are angry.. What am I to do?' Stalin, without pausing for thought, answers: 'Execute the entire government, and paint the walls of the Kremlin blue.' Putin is silent for a bit, and then asks, uncomprehendingly, "'Why blue?' Upon which Stalin smiles slyly and replies: 'I knew that you'd only have questions about the second part..'"