Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

2 blonds walk in to a bar you think one of them would of seen it

imalwaysright comes home from school one day and asks his mother, "Mom, are we, like, really poor?"

"No, dear. Why do you ask?" she says.

"Well, every time the teacher looks at me, she just shakes her head and keeps muttering, 'Oh, your poor parents.'"

Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her
85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally." Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?" The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.

The Sensitive Man...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears,
carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom! Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.


She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over,
gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy warmly smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Bush's recent colon examination went well. The doctors found only a few foreign policy ideas.

This is possibly the worst joke I've heard in the past 20 or so years:

Why should you never iron a four-leaf clover?

Because you don't want to press your luck.




Runner up for second worst:

Johann Sebastian Bach had something like 20 children. His organ had no stops.

Senior Driver


The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.


I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and
put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there , because I heard him yelling something about a
sunny beach.
I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.


Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.


My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.


I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.


I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Cjhsa's post regarding the bridge collapse and the port-a-potty recollected this one I heard Rush Limbaugh tell:



Did you hear that Rodney King was arrested again?

He was charged with impersonating a pinata.

Mother-in-Law Joke.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Subject: Sex, Church and Pancakes


TEENAGE SEX
>>>>The mother of a 19-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
>>>>having
>>>>sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
>>>>family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
>>>>
>>>>The Doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and attempts
>>>>to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
>>>>
>>>>He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control
>>>>and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
>>>>Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
>>>>told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
>>>>
>>>>The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
>>>>"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>CHURCH
>>>>A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
>>>>preacher's hand.
>>>>
>>>>He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned
>>>>good!"
>>>>
>>>>The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
>>>>profanity."
>>>>
>>>>The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
>>>>thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
>>>>
>>>>The preacher said, "No ****?"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>PANCAKES
>>>>Brenda and Mark took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
>>>>hesitation, they explained that although their little angel Appeared to
>>>>be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
>>>>After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed
>>>>him
>>>>pancakes. That should solve the problem."
>>>>
>>>>The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a big
>>>>stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
>>>>
>>>>"Gee, Mom," he said. "For me?"
>>>>
>>>>"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

The doddery old gentleman went to visit his doctor. He told the doctor he was getting married in a week and thought he ought to have a medical check-up first.

The doctor examined him very carefully, and, trying not to look too concerned he said -

'Just how old are you, Mr Ratzenhofer?'

The old man replied -

'I'll be ninety-four come September!'

'And just how old is the bride?' asked the doctor, beginning to look quite worried.

'She turned eighteen only a week ago' chirped Mr Ratzenhofer with a wicked look in his eye. Reaching into his pocket for his wallet, he extracted a photograph of a gorgeous, voluptuous young blonde.

The doctor looked at it, shook his head sadly and said -

'Tell me to mind my own business if you like, but it would be wrong of me not to say something. Just consider the huge age difference, the stresses and strains put upon one's body by sexual intercourse. Please reconsider the wisdom of this marriage. For heaven's sake man, don't you realise just how dangerous it could be?'

The man simply shrugged and said - 'Well, if she dies, she dies.'

good one!
join me at the monkey bar

http://img532.imageshack.us/my.php?image=penguinjokeyb4.flv

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido
was relaxing at his favorite bistro in Rome when he
managed to entice a spectacular young blonde
woman to his table.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her
back to his apartment and, after some small talk,
they retired to his bedroom where he "rattled her"
senseless.

After a most pleasant interlude he asked with a
smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second,
frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling
resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and
there were screams of passion.

The performance finally ended and, again, Guido
smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile,
cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this
woman dissatisfied, Guido reached for the woman
yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely
managed it, but they ended together
screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed
sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Hardly
able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled
proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered
in his ear, "No, I Norvegian."

dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd
like a bowl of oatmeal and
some fruit."

''And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looks up f rom his menu and replies with his trademark wink and
slight grin, "How 'bout a quickie
this morning?"

''Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "how rude! You're starting to
act like President Clinton,"
and the waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers........

"It's pronounced quiche'."

That reminds me of the "jalapeno" tortilla commercial

Crabs.

A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself!

Chalk one up for the females -- he had it coming!

Fairdinkum?

I went to my first Muslim childrens Birthday party today.

We played party games.

Musical chairs was alright but pass the parcel was bloody quick.

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

What did the hen say to the farmer?

'To you it may be breakfast but to me it's just a pain in the ass!'