Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

That's creepy enough for me.

Every one sounds like the start of a pitch for a B horror movie! Awesome.

No. 3 reminds me of a horror story I read when I was a kid, called Close Behind Him, or something like that. The narrator is one of a group of thieves who break into some Satanic temple. At they leave, red demonic footprints follow one of the thieves out, and they get an inch closer every day. The thief has nightmares and grows more and more sick until he dies. When he dies the footsteps start following the narrator. Really creeped me out when I was a kid.

Now I know why you're screwed up!!

A guy took his girl friend to her first Longhorn football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied,

"Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: get the quarterback. Get the quarterback! It’s only 25 cents!

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately
$5400 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the
past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money
could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have
now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

***

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
"T-G-I-F"

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T"

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T.."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday ........... duuhhh!"

.

West Australian Police twitter funny

Can't see that picture Hinge

Are you using firefox or chrome? Look for the grey shield icon (top left or top right, respectively) and unblock/allow the content.

I'm guessing that your browser is blocking it because the image is via SSL so considered mixed content. I really should just stick to the geek/nerd thread.

Very clever

OBITUARY - Remembering a great ICON

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from being repeatedly poked in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he lived to be a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

A little revise; "The funeral was held in the oven at 3:50 for about 20 minutes."

What do you call the King of Cattle?

Sir Loin

There are two penguins on an ice floe, drifting north into warmer waters. These penguins are very fond of each other, but they don't speak English very well. Suddenly, with a terrific crack, the ice floe splits in half, right between the penguins. As they begin drifting apart, one penguin sadly waves a flipper and calls out, "Chocolate milk!"

Why not put that in Geek & Nerd with the rest of the stuff I don't understand?

You must have lost your glasses.