Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Got your eyeful?

A woman approaches a really good looking guy in a bar and asks him why he's all alone on a Saturday night. He informs here that he's newly single. She tells him she can't understand that because if she had a man who looked like him she'd never let go. He replies to her that his wife left him because he was too sexually kinky, and her eyes light up. "I'm the queen of kinky", she says, would you like to go to my place. He agrees, and when they arrive at her apartment she tells him, "Wait right here, give me 5 minutes and then we'll play". She gets out rubber, leather, restraints, oils, lotions and sex toys but when she goes back to the living room he's already leaving. Surprised she asks. "What happened to us getting kinky?" He replies, "I already **** in your purse and f**ked your cat, I'm all finished ".

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The thread title DOES say really bad jokes

But you abuse the privilege.

How does one abuse doing something really bad?

You abused he "privilege" of doing something really bad.

so you're saying it's not really a bad joke.

I'm saying that you went beyond a mere bad joke. I guess I don't enjoy latrine humor.

Courtesy of the local farmers' market newsletter

Jokes of the Month!
Why did the tomato blush?
- Because he saw the salad, dressing.

What did the lettuce say to the celery?
- Are you stalking me?

Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?
- Because he couldn't find a date!

There was no mention of a latrine anywhere in the joke.

It was a bit much bvt. I imagine some of our gentle members were shocked.

As a past reader of de Sade it didn't shock me of course but it might have done when I was young as some on here are.

It amused me actually that you opened your heart so generously.

I pray to whatever gods there may be that this joke passes the advocate good taste test.



A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on US 301 about 2 miles south of the Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Emporia. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”

That's good Bear. Especially because the location is so well defined. Emporia, oh yeah.

CLEAR WINNER!

In the year 2014, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save two of every living creatures along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed.
I needed a building permit.
I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark ‘s move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration is checking the status of most of the people who want to work.
The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, they seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord.

“The government beat me to it.”

Of course not. It is a category of joke wherein excrement is involved.