@Debacle,
One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!"
The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!"
@spendius,
Two bulls on a hillside belly deep in snow.
Young bull: "Damned cold out here, init?"
Elder bull: "Yep, it is that. Think I'll head to barn and slip into an old jersey."
@Debacle,
What do you get when you cross a Jehovahs Witness with an atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
It is one of ironies of the aging man that stiffness and the lack of it are simultaneously issues.
All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand !
@panzade,
<Aswas concentrates hard, willing that hand to move upwards....gives up after two minutes and immediately hears the dog crash back down to earth in the front room>
@Region Philbis,
Stand well back from the midden!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom
@Region Philbis,
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” ~~Steven Wright
Press Release
New look Royal Navy
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intense pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will work a maximum of 37hrs per week in accordance with the EU working hours directive; even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes. The Royal Navy, eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash", has removed the rum ration, to be replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."
His final words were . . . .
“Britannia waives the rules.”
Okay, it's funny! Go sue me!
I said to my wife "I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed"
She said "but a lot of women do"
I said "not bacon they don't".
Abie and Sadie had a Jewish religious store on Delancey Street on
the Lower East Side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. Sales were
down on all Jewish related items. "Abie, we have to close the store,"
said Sadie.
"We can't", said Abie. "This neighborhood is our life. We've been
here for 50 years. Maybe we can start stocking Catholic articles too."
Sadie says,"What? Catholic articles? Bistu a gantze meshugganer?
We're Jewish, No Catholic articles!!!"
Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallaisim, three
mezzuzahs and one set of tfillin. Now was the time to decide. Sadie
agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so she said to
Abie,"OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue ."
Abie agreed to call: "Hello, Catholic supply house on Park Avenue ?
This is Abie and Sadie's on Delancey Street . I want 100 autographed
pictures of the Pope, 200 of those beads - what do you call them,
rosaries? 500 crucifixes. Oh yeh, I need those things here tomorrow."
"OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 100 autographed
pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of rosaries and 500 crucifixes. But
tomorrow we don't deliver, "it's Shabbos."
