There's a list of 5 things I'll never do in this life
1. make a list of any kind...
I had a dream last night that I was operating on sick animals.
It was a vet dream. :/
@hingehead,
HH, You are reaching new lows. Don't know whether to congratulate or tell you to go stand in a corner.
@Roberta,
He should win the 1st prize because his jokes are sooo baaaaaaaad.
Snakes must see their tails from time to time and just be like, “lol, that’s me without a face.”
How to Write Good
1.Avoid Alliteration. Always.
2.Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3.Avoid cliches like the plague. (Theyre old hat.)
4.Employ the vernacular.
5.Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6.Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7.It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8.Contractions arent necessary.
9.Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10.One should never generalize.
11.Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
12.Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13.Dont be redundant; dont use more words than necessary; its highly superfluous.
14.Profanity sucks.
15.Be more or less specific.
16.Understatement is always best.
17.Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18.One word sentences? Eliminate.
19.Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20.The passive voice is to be avoided.
21.Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22.Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23.Who needs rhetorical questions?
@Advocate,
Most are contradictions of each other. LOL
@Advocate,
Those aren't bad jokes. They're bad advice for writers if taken at face value, but clever and funny as hell if understood as an exercise in irony.
@Advocate,
Btw, Advo, I would add one more warning to that list:
24. Eschew grandiose language and esoteric vocabulary.
@Lustig Andrei,
Isn't that kind of like exterpating the circumlocution?
Step 1. Get organized.
Step 2. Talk to wife.
Step 3. Get reorganized.
Step 4. Talk to wife.
Step 5. Abandon entire project.
Step 6. Talk to self.
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(This one took me a minute)
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
@Ragman,
Those are too good for this thread.
We gotta start a thread on "Really Good Jokes."
@cicerone imposter,
Ahh, ... but they're only good when you're an enjoyer of puns. My older sister saves antique fruit for when my B.I.L. and I get pungent, which is quite often.
@Debacle,
My to-do list for today
1. Make a to-do list
2. Re-read first entry
3. Realize that you've already accomplished two things
4. Take a nap
