Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day on Earth. The course they were on had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water.

"Ah no, Moses, I think I can do it," explained Jesus. "I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."

Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try. Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water. Moses parted the water for Jesus, who went in to retrieve his ball. Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.

"I know I can do this, Moses -- I've seen Arnold Palmer do it, and if he can do it, then so can I." True to form, however, Jesus' ball ended up back in the water. Moses parted the water, and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball.

"Look, Jesus," said Moses. "Try again if you like, but I'm not parting the water for you again."

"Fair enough, Moses," said Jesus. "But you know, I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I." Once again, Jesus' ball was in the water. Jesus proceeded to walk upon the water to get it.

Another group of golfers came up behind Moses and saw Jesus walking on the water.

"Holy Cow!" one of them said to Moses. "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

"No," said Moses, rolling his eyes. "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

"and so God came forth and declared widescreen is best"

sony 16:9

The version i heard was Jesus, Moses and the angel Gabriel, and Moses suckers him into walking out on the water hazard to retrieve his ball, but he sinks like a stone. Moses chuckles and says to Gabriel . . .

He always forgets about those holes in his feet.

By the way, DD, that's a good one, and i'd never heard it before . . .

i bet jehova's witnesses and mormons have some good knock knock jokes

This country boy is so anguished because he's hopelessly in love with a girl whom he actually despises. He's walking around and around the mountain bemoaning his fate, when the sky suddenly clouds over and a deep voice booms out . . .

WHY ARE YOU SO MISERABLE, MY SON?

Well, God . . . i'm in love with Enigma Jean . . . why, oh why did you make girls so beautiful ? ! ? ! ?

THAT'S SO YOU'LL LOVE THEM.

But why did you make them so stupid ? ! ? ! ?

THAT'S SO THEY'LL LOVE YOU, BOY . . .

A jewish man asks the rabbi, "what should i do? my son has converted to christianity".
"I don't know," replies the rabbi "come back tomorrow and i'll ask advice from God."
The man comes back the next day.
"i'm sorry, i cant help you" the rabbi tells him.
"God told me he has exactly the same problem."

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation

There's another one with Moses, Jesus, and an old geezer in rags...

Moses steps up to the tee and whacks the ball, which immediately heads for the water hazard. Moses quickly parts the water, and the ball bounces up onto the green stopping two feet from the cup.

Jesus looks at him and says, "nice shot!"

Jesus steps up to the tee and whacks the ball, which also heads for the water hazard. He squints hard at the water, and the ball bounces across the water, up onto the green, and is just six inches away from the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "good one!"

The old, raggedy geezer steps up, takes a mighty swing, and just clips the ball. It rolls about three feet, when a snake pops up, takes it in its mouth, and starts for the rough. Suddenly, an eagle swoops down, grabs the snake, and starts flying toward a distant tree. The snake loses its grip on the ball, which falls onto the green right at the lip of the cup. The three golfers watch and, just before the 10 second grace period is up, there's a distant rumble of thunder and the ball drops into the cup.

Jesus turns to the old man and says, "there's no need to showboat, Dad."

the higgs boson.

now we know it actually exists, can we all agree to stop calling it the "god particle"?

ok just found this one, which had completely slipped my mind.

what did jesus say to the 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?
"dont touch my f@#king easter eggs!! i'll be back on monday!"

Two men and a woman are killed instantly in a car wreck, and POOF . . . they show up at the pearly gates, where St. Peter is sitting behind a desk. He has them take a seat on a nearby bench, and then calls the first guy up.

The Big Guy says I'm too lax, and just let everybody in, so now there's a test.

The guy looks really anxious, and starts wringing his hands . . .

Oh man . . . I'm terrible at tests . . . are you sure this is necessary?

Relax . . . spell god.

You're kiddin' . . .

No, spell god.

G-O-D.

Good, have a seat on that other bench.

He calls the next guy up and explains the situation to him, and he just laughs . . .

Cool, I'm good at tests . . . fire away!

Spell god.

Are you shittin' me?

No, spell god.

G-O-D.

Good, have a seat with your friend.

So he calls the woman up and explains the situation to the woman, who just goes off . . .

**** . . . I had to put with this when i was on Earth. I had to constantly prove I was as good as men . . . Hell, I usually had to prove i was better!

Whoa, relax Lady! These guys took the test. Hey guys, you took the test, right?

They nod and encourage the woman . . .

FINE . . . what's the test?

Spell Czechoslovakia.

where did Noah keep the woodpeckers?

Herpes

The greek god of std's

how many christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
none. they're quite happy living in the dark ages.

How many Jewish mothers to change a light bulb?








None . . . "That's alright, I'll just sit here in the dark . . . I don't mind . . . no, really, don't get up . . . "

last one for now...

Jesus to the left of me, Moses to the right,
here i am stuck in the middle of jews

mind you i say last one for now...then i stumble across a jesus gem:

what's the difference between a picture of jesus, and jesus?
it only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

ttfn

Jock's wife Maggie went to the doctor complaining of pains in the stomach. The doctor told her it was 'just wind'. "Just wind?" she screamed at him. "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"

ooohhhh the tay bridge disaster. funny enough ehm fae Dundee.
William McGonagle was a famous Dundonian poet, famous for being terrible. his one decent poem was about the tay bridge disaster, but his most famous was the "so terrible it's funny"...

the Tay, the Tay,
the silvery Tay,
flows past Dundee,
twice a day.