A woman brings 8 year-old johnny home and tells his mother he was caught playing doctors and nurses with mary, her 8 year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "let's not be too harsh on them...they are bound to be a bit curious at that age."
"a bit curious?!?!?!?!", replies mary's mother, "he's taken her f@#king appendix out!"
Guy walks into a bar, swimsuit models hanging on to him, dressed to the nines . . . orders drinks and hands the bartender a C note, and tells him to keep the change. He's there for a while, buying drinks for the house, tipping the bartender as though there were tomorrow, but he looks down in the mouth, and keeps heaving sighs. Finally, the bartender asks him what the deal is.
Well, here, maybe i can show ya . . .
He asks on of the ladies to go out to the limo, and get the big leather case. She brings it in, and he opens it, takes out an incredibly miniaturized grand piano, and a little man, a foot high, walks out of the case, sits down, and starts playing the moonlight sonata. Guy heaves another sigh . . .
. . . i found this interesting glass bottle in an second hand shop, took it home, and while i was cleaning it up, this genie comes out of the bottle and grants me three wishes. So i asked him for an endless supply of money and to be surrounded by beautiful women . . .
So what's the problem? What was your third wish?
Well, ya see that's the problem. I also asked him for a 12" penis, but he was hard of hearing.
Ah, little Johnny jokes.
Little Johnny gets to school, and his clothes are ripped, he's bruised and scratched and bleeding. So the teacher asks him what the problem . . .
Well, me an' my brother were walking to school, and this big dog comes running out of an alley and attacks me! But my brother settled his hash, he kicked him right in the ass!
Johnny, that's not nice language, you should say rectum.
Wrecked him hell! He almost fuckin' killed him!
stephen hawking comes home from his first blind date in years covered in grazes and bruises, with a dislocated shoulder, and a broken ankle.
apparently he got stood up.
I was sitting on a train this morning opposite a really sexy thai chick. I thought to myself, "please don't get an erection...PLEASE don't get an erection!"
but she did.
Let's do some Jesus jokes . . .
Jesus walks into a town where the people are picking up rocks, getting ready to stone a woman accused of adultery. He steps in front of the woman and holds up his hands, saying:
Wait ! ! ! Let he that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
So this big, honkin' rock comes out of the back of the crowd and smacks the woman in the side of the head, and lays her out cold.
Mom, knock it off ! ! !
@Setanta,
grrr all my jesus jokes are visual jokes with the exception of one...and its sooo long, and sooooo sooooooo bad that i cant be arsed to post it lol
christianity.
one woman's lie about an affair that got SERIOUSLY out of control.
Yeah, i know a few show and tell Jesus jokes . . . here's a long, rather boring one, but i'll cut it down.
Peter is standing below the cross, anguished and kind of hyper, when he hears a faint voice calling him . . .
Peter, Peter, my son . . . i must speak to you.
So Peter gathers his courage, and attempts to break through the cordon of soldiers, but one of the slams him with his shield, and whacks him with his spear, and sends him sprawling. But the Centurion takes pity on him . . .
That Jew at least has some courage . . . pick him up and take him to his master.
So they pick him up, dust him off and take him to the foot of the cross . . .
Hey, Peter, look ! ! ! I can see your house from up here ! ! !
a classic bill hicks one:
i was approached backstage by a woman who told me she didnt like my jokes about christians. i asked why and she told me she found them offensive as she was a christian herself.
i said, "then forgive me".
and another of his:
to all those christians that wear crucifixes around their necks...if jesus does come back, do you honestly believe he ever wants to see another f@#king cross?
@Berty McJock,
That's one of the best i've ever heard. I don't usually vote on posts, but i voted that one up.
@Setanta,
hahaha thats the exact one i couldnt be arsed to tell. except the version i know is much longer, with peter losing his limbs one by one, just like the black knight in monty python and the holy grail.
@Berty McJock,
Yeah, i cut it down drastically.
in the beginning man created God
Jean Jacques Rousseau: "God created man in his own image. And man, being a gentleman, returned the favor."
You're usin' really old material now.
i remember as a child my parents tried to fill my head with nonsense, such as the tooth fairy, santa, the easter bunny etc.
thank god i dont fall for that mumbo-jumbo anymore!
These two priests are out on a Sunday, of all days, playing a round of golf. One is rather mild mannered, but the other grew up on the streets, and he's kind of salty. Every time they make it to the green, he loses a stroke or more putting, and keeps swearing . . . Goddamn it, missed again! The other priest keeps warning him about his language--after all, it's bad enough that they're playing on a Sunday.
On the ninth hole, he misses an easy putt, and throws his club, and starts dancing around, swearing a blue streak. In an instant, the sky is full of swirling, dark clouds and the mild-mannered priest reminds him that he was warned . . . when a lightening bolt comes streaking down from the clouds and lays out the mild-mannered priest . . .
GODDAMN IT . . . MISSED AGAIN ! ! !
what do you get if you cross a jew?
christianity.
