The little boy got off the school bus with a long face.
Grandpa asked him "what's wrong son?"
The boy replied "I was in a spelling bee and I lost"
Grandpa asked him what word tripped him up.
The boy replied : posse
"We ll there's the problem son, you're pronouncing it wrong!"
@Berty McJock,
How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A Scotsman lost a shilling down a rabbit hole.
@spendius,
spendi think about your day job and how much you really need it.
@farmerman,
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
(Because he was out standing in his field!)
@spendius,
i'd kill for a nobel peace prize - steven wright
This one's really baaaad
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm... so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you
@panzade,
An Aussie rugby player returns from a test tour of England. After 2 months away he and his wife have wild reunion sex. Just before dawn he wakes up, disoriented, swings his feet out of the bed and says:
'I better go before your husband gets home'.
His wife's muffled voice from under the covers says sleepily:
'Don't worry, he's on tour in England'
@panzade,
I'm sure you meant the sin-chronicity.
A patient in a mental institution refuses to wear his clothes, except for his hat and his shoes. The doctor asks, "why won't you wear your clothes?"
Pt: Why should I, nobody's coming to see me.
Doctor: So then why are you wearing your shoes and hat?
Pt. Well, somebody might come.
My father used to tell this joke. I thought it was the funniest joke I'd ever heard. Now......I don't know why I thought it was so funny. Well, I guess it helped that I was about 7 years old at the time.
@Lola,
Verily, the Lord saith unto Moses, "Cometh forth, inherit thee the earth".
But Moses cameth fifth, and won an electric toaster.
@lmur,
What else did he do my child?
He touched me Father.
Where did he touch you my child?
On the canal bank Father.
a pastor was rambling through the woods, when a grizzly bear stepped into his path. the bear stopped, stood up on its hind legs, roared and staring salivating.
"oh God PLEASE," the pastor prayed, "let this bear be a christian bear."
with that, a placid look descended over the bear's face, and the bear dropped to it's knees.
the bear said, "for what we are about to receive..."
a man decided to dedicate his life to God, and became a monk. he went to his new home, and the head monk told him that they took vows of silence, but every 7 years they would be allowed 2 words. the man agreed and began his new life.
7 years passed and the head monk said, "you are doing well my son, you may have your 2 words".
"food cold", said the monk.
"i'm sorry" said the head monk, "i shall have that sorted out straight away."
another 7 years pass, and again he is granted 2 words.
"bed hard" he said.
"i'm really sorry" said the head monk, "i shall get it fixed immediately."
another 7 years pass and the head monk says, "you have served us well, and i'm pleased to allow you another 2 words."
"i quit" said the monk.
"good" said the head monk, "you've done nothing but moan since you got here"
Jesus joins the line up for the 100m freestyle swimming event. as he's adjusting his speedos, a fellow competitor asks, "hey, Jesus. what style will you be using. butterfly? breastroke?"
"i'll be sprinting" replies Jesus.
how many narcoleptics does it take to change a zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
imagine a world without rhetorical questions.
i sell ballons for 10p each. if you want them blown up its 15p.
i've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
a librarian commits suicide, thus creating a paradox.
i walked down a street where the houses were numbered: 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, 1mb.
that was a trip down memory lane.
those people who are against gay marriages and say, "in Genesis it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" are so narrow minded.
everyone knows that in Genesis it was Phil Collins, Tony Banks, and Mike Rutherford.
Quote:THE HORROR OF IT ! ...
...
http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2013/02/01/170873657/wheres-the-beef-burger-king-finds-horsemeat-in-its-patties
Quote: Burger King has acknowledged this week that some of its burgers in Britain and Ireland included horsemeat, the latest development in an ongoing scandal.
Horsemeat actually contains just as much protein and far less fat than beef, according to nutritionists.
Burger King says it found trace levels of horse DNA in four samples from its Irish meat supplier, Silvercrest, but "this product was never sold to our restaurants," the company said in a statement. Nevertheless, Burger King's admission has prompted a Twitter campaign and threats of a boycott.
The horsemeat controversy is Britain's worst food scandal since mad cow disease in the 1990s. But this time around, the potential danger isn't to Britons' physical health, but their emotional well-being.
A Horse , a Horse , a Kingdom for a Horse ... ...
@Berty McJock,
You left out the angel 'Peter' Gabriel
>can't think of biblical joke about Steve Hackett<
