Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk...
i've recently decided to freeze myself to -273C.
my wife thinks i'll die, but i think i'll be 0K
want to hear a joke about sodium?
Na
i really want to write a chemistry joke, but all the best ones argon.
stayed up all night trying to remember if i have amnesia or insomnia.
when people with lisps say "bithneth" you know they mean business.
i can some myself up in three words.
kind, funny, smart, and good with numbers.
@Region Philbis,
The Hare Krishna acolyte walked into the Subway sandwich shop and said to the counter person: "Make me one with everything."
@Lustig Andrei,
ever see the clip of the journalist asking the dalai lama that one??
honestly the journalist having to explain it is funnier than the joke itself :p
@Lustig Andrei,
Two pigs were discussing the implications of Quantum theory. Just then the farmer came in rattling a stick in a bucket. The first one jumped up and said "It's the economy, stupid".
how did bob marley like his donuts?
wi' jam in.
...and he hopes you like jam in too.
@Berty McJock,
A Scot is just about to sip his pint, when a fly lands in it. Delicately, he removes the fly, and then begins to shake it vigorously . . .
Cough it up, ya wee, thievin' bastard!
@spendius,
A 16 stone female Conservative MP wearing a pearl necklace and the latest in hair said, on Newsnight, "ultimately we are in a desperate economic situation".
a rastafarian walks into a bank and places a massive spliff on the counter.
"what's this for?" asks the cashier.
"me wan open joint account" replies the rastafarian.
@Setanta,
That's ridiculous Setanta. Flies don't understand English.
He would have squeezed it.
@Berty McJock,
Paddy goes to the doctor for some . . . ah . . . discomfort in sitting. The doctor prescribes suppositories, and asked Paddy if he knows to to use them. Not wanting to admit his ignorance, he replies scornfully that he's not an ignoramus.
Tow weeks later, he goes back for his next appointment, and the doctor asks him how the suppositories worked . . .
Ah, Doc . . . fer all the good them pills did me, i might as well have shoved 'em up me arse . . .
a man walks into a library and asks for a book by shakespeare.
"which one?" asks the librarian.
"william" he replies
why are pirates called "pirates"?
they just aaaaaarrrrrrrre.
i have oc/dc.
it's just like ocd, except it f@#kin' rocks!
saw my mate outside the doctors today looking really upset.
"what's the matter?" i asked.
"i've got the big C" he replied.
"what?!? cancer?!?!"
"no, dyslexia"
have i already posted the one about alzheimers?
@Berty McJock,
I'm sure I posted this before, but does everyone know what DNA stands for?
National Association of Dyslexics.
@Berty McJock,
The trouble with drinking too much is it makes you forgetful..
Even worse, it can make you forgetful.
Guy walks into a bar with a flamingo and a cat. He puts the cat on the bar, and then asks the bartender if he can order. He orders a Manhattan, the stork orders a whiskey soda, and the cat orders a dry martini, then yells: "But i'm not payin' for it!" When the drinks are served, the bartender asks for $15.50, and without even looking, the guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out $18.50, the cost of the drinks and a good tip. Nest round, the same thing, with the cat yelling: "I'm not payin' for it!" Same story with the third round. Finally, the bartender can't contain himself any longer, and asks the buy about his unusual companions and his ability to produce correct change every time, without even counting it out.
"Well, ya see, not long ago, i found this old, glass lamp in the attic of a house we were demolishing--i used to be a common day laborer. I took it home, and when i was cleaning it up, poof!. . . a genie appeared. He gave me three wishes.
"Well, you don't seem too happy about it."
"Well, he was kind of literal minded. I asked for my pockets to always have just the right amount of money for anything i wanted, and he handled that OK . . . "
"But . . . what?"
"Well, as i said, he was literal minded. I asked him for a long-legged bird with a tight pussy, and poof! . . . i got these two and he was gone.
@Lustig Andrei,
In San Francisco I was mugged by a person who must have been in a 12-step program. He took my money, my credit cards, my watch and as he was walking away, he turned and said, "Thank you for sharing."
@Setanta,
This one made me laugh out loud.
@Lustig Andrei,
lol an oldie but a goldie. i know its a bit harsh, but i do like dyslexic jokes, they take punning to a new level :p
and as for old jokes, this thread is very good at reminding me of some classics.
i've noticed i've reposted a couple (i imagine probably a lot more). apologies to all concerned.
reports that a dwarf clairvoyant has robbed a bank.
police warn of a small medium at large.
