Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

A miracle healer invites 2 people up on stage to try and cure them. Simon has walked with crutches all his life, and Paul has always spoken with a lisp.
He sends them both behind a curtain, says a little prayer, and then shouts:
"Simon! Throw your crutches over the curtain!"
The healer catches the crutches and the crowd all cheer. The healer continues:
"Now Paul! Say something!"
A voice comes from behind the curtain:
"Thimon hath fallen over!"

A Scotsman walks into a library and tries to borrow a book on suicide.
The librarian says "Fook off, you'll nae bring it back."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too...

This talking dog is out looking for a job so he goes to the employment office and asks the clerk if there's any work.
The clerk's eyes light up and he says "There's a circus in town"!
The talking dog says "What the f***k does the circus need a plumber for?

An out-of-work actor is offered a small part in a play that's in tryouts. It's just one line, but he's told that it's the opening line of the play. He's excited. The line is, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar."

He's in New York. He has to travel to Boston for the opening night. He hops on a train and rehearses all the way north.

HARK, I hear the cannons roar.
Hark, I hear the cannons roar.
Hark, I HEAR the cannons roar.
Hark, I hear THE cannons roar.
Hark, I hear the CANNONS roar.
Hark, I hear the cannons ROAR.

He arrives at the theater. He knows his line. He dresses and walks on the stage. The curtain opens. There's a loud BOOM behind him. He turns and says, "What the hell was that?"

Are you doing the best of Gus DD? Page 8 of this thread back in 2006. Freaky.

I'm reading a book about an anti-gravity device.
I just can't put it down.

I grew up in a house on a cul-de-sac at the end of a one-way street. I never got out much.

there was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

he sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

unfortunately, no pun in ten did...

Thud

I'm going to combine all these puns and present them on stage.
It'll be a play on words.

Damn - I'm giggling uncontrollably in the library..

lol...heard it before but never in a scots accent :p

a scotsman walks into a bakery and asks, "Is that a macaroon, or am i wrang?"

whats the difference between bing crosby and walt disney?
bing sings, and walt disnae.

how was copper wire invented?
2 scotsmen fighting over a penny.

a scotsman, an englishman, and an irishman walk into a bar.
the barman says, "what's this? some sort of a joke?"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,

"A beer please, and one for the road...."

Please forgive me if I'm duplicating past efforts:



A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." And asks the keeper:
"What's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving school children from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

A Engineer gets home from work and sees a note on the fridge from his wife. "This isn't working, I'm at my moms". he opens the fridge and checks the light, then grabs a beer and feels it cold. The engineer thinks to himself. "The fridge works fine"

Real Engineers wear mustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.

Prove 2+2=0

0=0
0+0=0
(0+0)=0
tw(0+0)=tw*0=0
two+two = 0