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Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

NSFW Forums: Humor, Jokes, Bad Jokes, Camp, Humour
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Francis
 
  4  
Reply Tue 19 Apr, 2011 11:53 am
Quote:
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered
that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  3  
Reply Tue 19 Apr, 2011 01:57 pm
My wife and I had 20 years of happiness. Then we met.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Apr, 2011 03:35 pm
@Francis,
bad, but right..
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  2  
Reply Tue 19 Apr, 2011 03:54 pm
My wife and I have an agreement; I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
0 Replies
 
Below viewing threshold (view)
nimh
 
  2  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 04:44 pm
A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, that's really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother, but the father laughed it off, saying "he'll get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.

After some additional prodding from the mother, the father finally agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his son's room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his son's room. Thump - thump - squish - thump - thump. The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son, balls deep, pounding the **** out of his grandmother's asshole. Just really going to town on it.

"What the hell are you doing?," the father screams. The boy replies: "it's not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"
0 Replies
 
nimh
 
  6  
Reply Fri 29 Apr, 2011 05:41 pm
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
0 Replies
 
Region Philbis
 
  4  
Reply Mon 2 May, 2011 05:45 am

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex..."

***
tsarstepan
 
  3  
Reply Sat 7 May, 2011 03:09 pm
@Region Philbis,
Quote:
What's red and smells like blue paint?













Red paint.

Kari Byron, Mythbusters.
dlowan
 
  2  
Reply Mon 9 May, 2011 12:08 am
@tsarstepan,
Groooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn.....
0 Replies
 
ksr
 
  1  
Reply Thu 19 May, 2011 11:54 pm
@tsarstepan,
Best....Joke....Ever
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 May, 2011 12:22 am
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


What's red and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket.


Gawd I just time travelled back to the late 70s.
0 Replies
 
Old Goat
 
  3  
Reply Fri 20 May, 2011 01:06 am
What smells like poo and sounds like a bell?












DUNG!
0 Replies
 
lmur
 
  3  
Reply Sat 21 May, 2011 06:35 pm
Q. What was the name of the daredevil Knight in King Arthur's Court at Camelot?

A. Medieval Knieval.
0 Replies
 
mags314772
 
  7  
Reply Sat 21 May, 2011 07:06 pm
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans including a southerner a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 to 53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

spikepipsqueak
 
  4  
Reply Tue 24 May, 2011 05:42 pm
@mags314772,
I bought $30 worth of steak yesterday. Put it on my credit card.








Nearly covered it.
hingehead
 
  4  
Reply Tue 24 May, 2011 06:24 pm
A pageant mother lost custody of her daughter after injecting botox into the 8 year old's forehead. The daughter didn't look surprised.
0 Replies
 
JLNobody
 
  4  
Reply Wed 25 May, 2011 08:38 pm
A man wanted to get married.
He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
> >
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
> >
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
> >
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
> >
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  1  
Reply Wed 25 May, 2011 08:46 pm
@spikepipsqueak,
Waytago, spike.
PennyAroundTheWorld
 
  3  
Reply Sat 28 May, 2011 03:20 pm
@roger,
What do you call a hamster with a top hat?










Abrahamster Lincoln
0 Replies
 
 

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