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Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

 
 
tsarstepan
 
  2  
Reply Sat 16 Apr, 2011 11:05 am
Did you hear about that new burger joint on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere!
DrewDad
 
  3  
Reply Sat 16 Apr, 2011 10:50 pm
@tsarstepan,
How many ears does Spock have?

3. a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.
dadpad
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 01:40 am
@DrewDad,
Mumpad immediatly said Geek humour. clever but definitly geek.
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 02:24 am
@dadpad,
dadpad wrote:
Mumpad immediatly said Geek humour. clever but definitly geek.
What does that mean?

So far as I 've been led to understand,
a geek is a degenerate entertainer who bites heads off of living chickens
in carnival sideshows.
roger
 
  2  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 03:08 am
@OmSigDAVID,
You know that, David; I know that. The rest of the world thinks otherwise, which is why I somewhat prefer the word 'nerd', though even that sounds a bit rude.
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 05:55 am
@roger,
roger wrote:
You know that, David; I know that.
The rest of the world thinks otherwise, which is why I somewhat prefer
the word 'nerd', though even that sounds a bit rude.
When I was a kid in the lower grades of school, I found being a nerd
to be a GOOD thing.
It was the subject of admiration from the students, not rude.
Whenever I showed up the teacher in class,
knowing more about the subject matter than HE did, correcting his mistakes,
my personal popularity went up like a SKYROCKET.
Short of handing out money to them,
I can 't think of anything that woud have made them like me better.
I vindicated their egos, as a successful nerd.

The students were THRILLED; thay felt as if I were representing THEM,
standing up to the adult world, which so ofen kept them in continual positions
of subjection, restraint n inferiority to the lofty powers above.
NERD was good. Thay were emotionally effusive in their congratulations n thanx, after class.

My observation of nerdism
is that the students LIKE it.

As a matter of fact, come to think of it,
that principle was manifested again in law school.
(I like to argue with the Professors.)





David
spendius
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 06:39 am
@OmSigDAVID,
Can you provide a couple of examples of how you confuted your teachers Dave?

As it stands it could easily be a fictional representation of the joys of nerdism. We need some evidence.

A selective memory functioning in the service of the glorification of the self can easily produce what you have written.

How did your nerdism perform when up against the authority of vibrant females?
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 08:17 am
@spendius,
spendius wrote:
Can you provide a couple of examples of how you confuted your teachers Dave?

As it stands it could easily be a fictional representation of the joys of nerdism. We need some evidence.

A selective memory functioning in the service of the glorification of the self can easily produce what you have written.
When I was 12, our class was commanded that each student USE the library
to take a book for review n analysis. I took one on elementary nuclear physics.
It was fun; I loved it. I took out some more of them,
concerning atomic and molecular theory. We chanced to have
a course in that in our next semester's science class.
From my personal studies, I had some information that the teacher lacked.
For the first time in my (or our) academic experience,
I challenged the science teacher several times on different points
over a period of a few weeks. Our differences were resolved
by recourse to an encyclopedia that we had in the classroom.
Some kids were sent to check it; I remember them saying:
"Davy 's right!" on multiple occasions.
The other students reacted as tho I had turned water into solid GOLD,
audibly gasping as tho saying: "What?? that can 't HAPPEN!" whenever it did.
A kid knows more than the teacher? anomaly beyond their imaginations.
I had fun with it; thay loved it. The teacher was happy at our academic interest.

When I was in the 4th grade, age 9 in Mrs. Krauss' class,
I wondered what was in the back of our history book.
Lo and BEHOLD: it was the US Constitution.
While Mrs. K was teaching history, I was reading it.
It took me several days worth of classes to get thru it.
It was simple (q.v.) and VERY interesting.
I almost fell off my seat, when I got to the Second Amendment.
I remembered the gun control of NY.

At age 12, in Mr. Tanner's class in the 7th grade, we studied the Constitution.
I loved discussing n debating it in class. Again, disputes were resolved
by recourse to the trusty Encyclopedia,
as well as to the text of the Constitution itself.
I 'd learned a little something about it b4.

(Constitutional Law was also my favorite course in Law School.)
I also had an interest in current events
and in right wing political ideology relative to recent history
which moved me to more private reading.

At age 15, I thawt I almost killed our history teacher
(who was a Roosevelt lover), when I challenged Roosevelt's loyalty.
He looked like he was going to fall down with a heart attack, in front of me;
(a rotund, corpulent fellow) labored breathing, heavy perspiration.
He threw me out of his class, permanently.
I had thawt that he had a more robust ego than proved to be the case.
The earlier teachers had been good sports.




spendius wrote:
How did your nerdism perform when up against the authority of vibrant females?
That did not help.
I had an approach-avoidance reaction, when I was 13, to a young lady
of very singular beauty & elegant manners, descended of the Austrian Aristocracy, named Joyce.
I knew not of approach-avoidance reactions for another 5 years,
when my psychology professor explained it in college.
Chronic emotional torment resulted of several decades' duration.
I committed boredom on Joyce.
I 'd have had a happier life if we 'd never met.
She made social overtures to me (very unexpectedly), but later lost interest,
which remains the status quo. I tried, unsuccessfully, to impress her
with my Mensa membership when I re-contacted her, 3O some years ago.
At that time, I was on the Board of Directors.
I tried to entice her to a large New York Mensa Regional Gathering,
of which I was the Treasurer. That effort was a RESOUNDING FAILURE, from lack of interest.
She simply did not care, about THAT, nor about me. O, well; u win some n u lose some.

Anyway, I have not found nerdism to be helpful with the fair sex.





David
spendius
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 09:28 am
@OmSigDAVID,
So deconstruct the US Constitution for us Davy. In less than 15 words. Deconstruction doesn't do flannel.

You never thanked me for providing you with an opportunity to enjoy yourself so much. As the Bishop said to the actress.

But nerdism is helpful with the opposite sex when it creates motivations to study things non-nerds find tiresome and thus produce larger salaries. Like law and science.

Whenever I see a real lawyer on TV they are nothing like the movie versions. And whever I see a real scientist on TV I always have the movie versions in mind.
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 10:22 am
@spendius,

Upon what reasoning did the Bishop say that to the actress ?

OK: thank u.

What is the reference to flannel ??

Altho I've not found intellect to be of much advantage
qua attraction of the fair sex, money has a very fine history thereof.
Gold diggers r most abundant, indeed.





David
Mame
 
  3  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 12:48 pm
@OmSigDAVID,
Can we get back to bad jokes, please?
Francis
 
  3  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 12:53 pm
@Mame,
Ok, a bad one:

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.
CalamityJane
 
  2  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 01:16 pm
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was
walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir
you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun," and the man said "But
that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish
back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn
fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk
like that!" and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name
of it: a goddamn fish." So the mother superior said "Well give me the
goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the
monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish
that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you
shouldn't talk like that!" and the mother superior said "But that's
the name of it: a goddamn fish." So the monsignor said "Well give me
the goddamn fish and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a
new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the
sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I
cleaned the goddamn fish." And the monsignor said "I cooked the
goddamn fish." And the new priest said: "I like this ******* place
already!"
spendius
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 01:19 pm
@Francis,
That's not a joke either. It's standard practice.
Francis
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 01:23 pm
@spendius,
Talking about practice, here's another one:

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  4  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 01:28 pm
Since it's Sunday, here is another nun joke:

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him
and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the
steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long
black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I
saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing
business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on
this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another
nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please
place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end
of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO
IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS
OF MERCY.
0 Replies
 
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Apr, 2011 01:57 pm
@CalamityJane,
It's funny because nuns are scary. Laughing
mags314772
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Apr, 2011 08:56 am
@tsarstepan,
Two nuns are driving down the highway. Suddenly, Dracula jumps onto their windshield, hissing and spitting and showing his bloody fangs.

"Do something, Sister Agatha," screams Sister Egberta. Sister Agatha turns on the windshield wipers in an effort to shake the vampire off.
It does no good.

"Show him your cross," screams Sister Egberta.

Sister Agatha rolls down the window, sticks her head out and yells..."Get the **** offa our car!"

I told this joke in the operating room of a Catholic hospital, just beforethey put me under for knee surgery. They thought is was hilarious.
0 Replies
 
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Apr, 2011 11:42 am
@Mame,
Mame wrote:
Can we get back to bad jokes, please?
OK
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Apr, 2011 06:41 pm
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/names.png
0 Replies
 
 

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