Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

What do health-conscious cannibals eat?
Vegetarians.

What good christian cannibals eat on Fridays?
Fishermen.

One night a policewoman pulls over a slightly drunk driver.

She politely asks him to step out of his car.

He willingly does so.

She says, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

He replies : "breasts."

What do you call a woman with her left foot on one bank and her right foot on the other bank?






Bridget.

Charity.

If he'd said "Want Samoa" we would have known just where this happened.

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have???"

The old man said,

"I thought it was gas... but I was wrong, too!"

***

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

I have no I-Deer..

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no I-Deer...

What do you call a person with no eyes and no ears?

Auntie ID-er.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitalia?

Still no ******* idea.

You mixed up your words.

It's: Still *******, no idea..

You still have no ******* idea do you Francis?
I dont mean that. I'm using it as an example

Hinge got it right Francis, at least for Aust.

Another failed atempt of mine to be jocous...

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.

Well, I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:
"Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never used the Mercedes. The thought was good Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you..."

Love You,
Mama

***

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..'

giggle

That's "jocund".

I'm certainly lacking jocularity these days..

(Joke hilarity?)

Your mother has so many fridge magnets that earth's gravitational pole has moved to Timbuktu..