Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

I thought that Mame but I didn't like saying so. You are protected by your aura of femine charm which it has been my unfortunate task to do without.

There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence.
The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse..."Uhu...Oh,..." little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

What did the horse say to the donkey?

I'm smarter than you are, I can talk!

A man said to his wife, 'We need to work out a way to let each other know when we're in the mood. How about this? If I'm feeling amorous, I'll give you a nudge with my elbow. If you are too, tug my penis once. If you're not, for whatever reason - tug it 162 times. Deal?'

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra! 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen, 1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat.

Whats the simalaritie between the Goverment and an Orstrich ??





They cam both stick there Bills up there ARSE !!!!

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light
by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her
to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front
of
you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

contemptible contemporaneity

keep up the good work lad

Brill!

Two lawyers had been shipwrecked on an island for about a year when a lifeboat drifted in with a gorgeous blond woman lying in it unconscious and without a stitch of clothing on her, not even an ear-ring.

First lawyer asks "Say, it's been a hell of a long time since either one of us saw a woman, you think maybe we ought to screw her?"

Second lawyer asks "Out of what??"

So this guy is at the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist wants to give
him novacaine, but the guy freaks out at the sight of the needle. So the
dentist says "I'll give you nitrous oxide, then." But the guy won't do it because
the mask will make him think he's suffocating and he'll have a panic attack.
Finally the dentist says "Can you take a pill?" "Yeah" says the guy. "OK" says
the dentist "take this Viagra." "Will Viagra take away the pain?" "No" says the
dentist "but it'll give you something to hold onto while I pull that tooth!"

On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field.

One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!"

The other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.



So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

You ever hear about the one about the guy who jumped off the top of the Empire State Building?

All the way down everyone could hear him repeatedly exclaim, "So far so good. So far so good. So far so good. So far so good. So far so good...."

That's from a movie "The red violin" or something with Samuel Jackson? The movie "La Haine" by Mathieu Kassovits
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_Haine

Two cannibals were talking. One said, "I don't like my mother-in-law."
"Just eat the noodles," replied the other

Two cannibals were talking. One said, "I like your mother-in-law."

"Wanna some more?" asked the other.

Two nuns, a penguin, and a giraffe walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"