Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Bike Humour

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a blonde girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be
famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Assisted suicide?

THE FAIRY TALE...


One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not nag or complain

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

A guy ordered a drink and was told the cost is ten cents. The bartender explained that he hit the lottery and was passing on some of the winnings to his customers. The guy saw a bunch of men further down the bar who were not drinking. The bartender explained that they are local Republicans who were waiting for the happy hour, when drinks are half price.

Advocate, the first time I heard that joke, the guys down the bar were Scots!

are parsimonius.

I never knew this.

Penguins



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will
Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
Members of the family and social circle have been
Known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial
Wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
The dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
Around the fresh grave and sing:





"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

HA HA HA HAHAHAHA


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?




It's so easy to fool OLD people!!!

lol. best chuckle i've had in ages,
stealing that

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****...'

***

The banker saw his old friend Jim, an eighty-year old Texas rancher, in town.



Jim had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Jim if the rumor was true.

Jim assured him that it was. The banker then asked Jim the age of his new bride to be.



Jim proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'


Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Jim should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Jim thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Jim in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Jim proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Jim said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys .

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Neighbor: "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

Little silver haired lady: "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor wanders next door to help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has it spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

...we'll put the cornflakes back in the box

Thank you, Tai Chi!

I chopped the end off my joke. (slaps forehead)

I'm glad she explained it.

Duh!

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

That was bad, Nimh.

I'd love to hear it in Dutch!

A Mother's Love.

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there. From what I remember about that party, you're ******* lucky you don't bark."