Marty, does your son know how you feel, and what is his take.....
Kids see things brutally clearly.
RH
CJ, I'll do just that.
RH, my daughter says"Mom, he doesn't like you, he's like 60!" But she agrees that we need a little more privacy and I told her that I wouldn't be asking him for help.
PS, nothing is wrong with 60 in general, but a 16 year old thinks that's old.
Quote:You don't have to get ugly about it. Beth's right - you don't owe him any explanations other than you don't want it (the help, the dinner, the conversation, etc).
Makes sense. Will work on this.
Marty, my nieces think I invented dirt.....(my nephew knows it was fire)
RH
Succulents and truculence.
I agree with cj's most recent post -- I think you really need to reset your expectations a bit. I can see how it would have been easy to slide into asking for help when you got divorced... all the things your husband used to do. But can't you do a lot of this on your own, or learn how, or go without? In terms of hanging lights -- can't you and your kids do that together? (You go up on the ladder, they hold the base...)
If it's truly dangerous, then it's truly dangerous, and just not worth doing.
Ya know?
martybarker wrote: I have never said anything to encourage this man. Yes, it's obvious that he is coming around way too much.
Here is an example for you to tell me what you would do.
He has asked my son to help him hang the Christmas lights. This involves a very heavy extention ladder. Do I let him come over and do this with my son, hire someone to do it or go without lights on the house?
How did your neighbour get the idea that he should have any part of hanging up your Christmas lights?
~~~
No, you don't let him come over and do it with your son.
No, you don't let him come over at all.
Put up lights that you and your children can manage on your own.
Quote:How did your neighbour get the idea that he should have any part of hanging up your Christmas lights?
He saw me attempting it 4 years ago and has come over to help ever since. I have never gone over to his house to ask him to do this for me. I agree that I need to do more for myself. I know that I can't rely on his friendly offers of help. I REALLY don't feel that I have asked for this type of attention
Well, maybe you didn't ask for it, but as an attractive woman you are going to get it regardless!
So what's the plan? What are you going to do?
martybarker wrote: I REALLY don't feel that I have asked for this type of attention
No, but you haven't made it perfectly clear that you don't want it and won't accept it either.
martybarker wrote:He has asked my son to help him hang the Christmas lights. This involves a very heavy extention ladder. Do I let him come over and do this with my son, hire someone to do it or go without lights on the house?
Let me get this straight...
This guy has asked YOUR son to help him hang YOUR Christmas lights?
and where, pray tell, did he get the idea that it was his option to enter onto your land, go through your belongings and decide that he is the one to put up YOUR lights?
I'm going to be blunt Marty...unless you take decisive action, regardless of your feelings about doing so, you are, in my opinion, one day going to find yourself physically fighting off his advances, and probably end up getting raped.
Afterwards, he will say you wanted it.
OK, I'll let you know how it goes.
"probably end up getting raped?"
That seems extremely hyperbolic to me. But yeah, marty, this guy doesn't sound like he's going to stop until you stop him.
Well, I definitely don't want to get raped! I'll have to be more assertive and make my stand clear.
Guess who just hung her own Christmas lights? Yep, that's right, I did, all by myself.(I just did the lower level.
Thanks CJ, that was great!
I agree that "probably" is a bit much, especially as the story becomes more clear... I think this guy might actually think he has a chance with martybarker and is trying to make that happen. I think there's plenty of room for clueless but not violent.
Still means you don't want to give Clueless any reason to misunderstand anything, though.
Great job on putting up your own lights! :-D (I love that applause animation...)
(those lights weren't so bad, were they?)
When you're wondering what to do, martybaker, just go back and read the first page of this thread. Most of the advice hasn't changed.
Marty,
I know it's not easy, but it will get easier the more you express your desire to distance yourself from this neighbor. I was very reluctant to speak frankly with a man like your neighbor years ago, but I knew I needed to provide a comfortable and safe home for my son. I could tell you tales that would curl your hair about opportunistic guys who hoped I could be the fantasy they hoped was real. You need to stand your ground, I can promise you that it will get easier and easier the more times you turn away unwelcome advances.
While married to my first husband, my supervisor (who was not my friend) started to drop by un announced in the evening when he knew my husband was in night classes. I let him in a few times, but I could never get rid of him. I decided to avoid the intrusion and when he showed up without an invitation, I just stayed quiet and didn't answer the door.
I'm also not a strong extrovert but you need to nip this in the over-ripe bud. I can guarantee that this guy is hoping for you melt and become compliant. You are close by, you are an easy target (in his mind) so you need to distance yourself. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, he is an opportunist and I am certain he has been turned down before. If you continue to coddle him, you will encourage him and may wind up as a victim.
I know that decent men have a hard time accepting the idea that some men are dogs. They would not dream of doing what your neighbor is doing and you shouldn't worry about this man's feelings or what he might say. What can he say, really, I dropped by without an invitation and Marty didn't have time for me? He will not say such things to anyone because he knows that other people will see right thru that. Calamity gave you good advice and I hope you use it. If you ever want some turn off lines, I would be happy to tell you what I used when I became a single mother and had to deal with a bunch of horny opportunists that thought because I was no longer living with my abusive husband, I would be willing to engage in one-night-stands with them.
There are a lot of needy folks out there, but you need to concentrate on yourself, your children and your job. Being needy at your expense is unacceptable. All of this "helping out" is just a smoke screen to get close to you. Please don't fall for it. Send him packing.
And like I mentioned earlier, I have almost created a handbook on how to redirect unwanted attention and would be happy to help. My techniques usually involve statements that the offender can't get angry about but delivers the message in a way that will discourage anyone.
This won't be the only time you need to deal with such a person, so you need to practice and learn how not feel guilty about turning away someone who is claiming to be just trying to help. If you don't deal with this situation (trying to be a nice person) you will just be setting yourself up as a patsy for everyone looking to avoid responsibility.
I know it's difficult, but this situation has been going on for some time and you need to find a way to deal with it. Don't let your children learn the lesson that they have to do what other people expect from them, especially if it is something that will make them unhappy.
Your neighbor does not enjoy the status of being your husband, boyfriend, brother, uncle or Dad....so draw a line in the sand. I really hope you get this under control and break your dependence on this man you really don't wish to be in your life. Other men and women have had to deal with similar situations, so please take control.
