Overly friendly neighbor...

Blunt: "John, I'm starting to get uncomfortable with some of the things you are doing. I know you're trying to be helpful, but you're getting too close for my comfort. I might be mistaking your intentions, and I hope I am, but I plan on living next to you and Mary for a long time. I appreciate all the help you've given me and I don't want there to be any hard feelings between us, but I don't want to get into any situations where you are anything other than the nice man next door."

Snapping: "Fred, I know what you just did and if you ever touch me again I will tell Betty and everyone else I know that you're a freaking pervert. I think you should leave, NOW!"

IMO, blunt allows John to save face and allows martybarker to get some assistance from John if she should ever need it. It also allows her to maintain a civil, neighborly relationship with both John and Mary. Snapping, on the other hand, closes off all possible future communications and puts her in a negative situation where she's at odds with her neighbor. Who needs that kind of grief over a possible misunderstanding that can be dealt with nicely?

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Ah, just saw your last post, stuh, I guess we need a consensus definition of snapping. Mine is much more harsh than yours.

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perhaps, if this is the first time he touched your butt in all these years, it was an accidental brushing kind of touch. I'd give the guy the benefit of the doubt until the next "accidental" touch or until he gives you a genuine tushy squeeze and even then balance it against your beautiful lawn.... yard work is demanding stuff. Do you have a great tush by the way? Just asking, not in a leering way, but as one of this forums long term concerned posters.

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For a minute there, bear, I thought squinney was using your log-in. Then I read to the end and saw order returned to the world. Laughing

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Reading through all the posts...

Perhaps I'm unusual, but I always know where other people are in relationship to my body.

A normal physical distance for me to maintain while conversing with even good friends is where each of us can extend our arms, and our fingertips touch. I prefer that because I'm big on observing body language, and any closer than that I can see their whole body.

I've never had that much trouble maintaining that distance.

If someone I don't feel comfortable with gets closer than that, I'll put some kind of object between us, like a table, or even the suggestion of a barrier, like holding a book or a package up to my chest, and taking a step back.

If I don't want to hug someone, if I see them making a beeline for me with arms open, I'll reach out my right hand and take their right hand. I'll shake their hand and just talk pleasantly as if this was natural (which it is) while keeping my right arm straight to they can't come closer.....if for some reason they are so dense they try, I reach out with my left hand, grabbing their right also, so I am holding on with both hands. That's never failed.

Also, I've perfected the "immediate tense up". There was this guy who would come up behind me and start massaging my shoulders. After a couple of times, I decided not to let it slide any longer. The next time I just stiffened my body, leaned forward to get out of his hands, turned my head toward him and gave him a look that was hostile, but got my message across, and said "I wish you wouldn't do that, I don't like having my shoulders rubbed"

Don't you feel this guy getting close to you? When he is, get away, look annoyed when he tries to get closer and say...."You know, I haven't mentioned this, but I really don't like it when people stand too close to me, I wish you'd stand a little farther away."

No apologies, give your reason, and tell him what you need him to do.

period.

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Chai,

Thank you for sharing your successful tactics on avoiding contact. I apologize if my response is uncalled for, but it was really entertaining to read! I got a mental picture of you walking around measuring the distance to people with your fingertips, and a throwback to the lesson on "personal space" in gym class from like 4th grade. Being a man, this is certainly not the kind of thing I have ever had to think about. About the closest it comes is when a really big sweaty person wants to hug me, ugh...I think I just pinch my face up and let it happen.

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Chai Tea wrote:

There was this guy who would come up behind me and start massaging my shoulders.

It was President Bush, wasn't it?!

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Quote:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
martybarker wrote:
Ossobucco,
Not that there is anything wrong with 55. It's just that I see him as strictly a nice neighbor that I appreciate the help he has given me. If he were single I wouldn't think twice about dating him or allowing him to touch my butt. The strange thing about it was that it was a very light touch, but I know I didn't imagine it.

I started to think about this post. I have enlarged the part that I have now considered once again. Given that you feel this way, I am wondering if it possible that you are unknowingly giving off subliminal messages that you are attracted to him. I really think that this is possible and the man is simply confused.

What I meant by not thinking twice, I meant that I wouldn't think twice about seeing him in a romantic way. He is not what I would consider my type!Plus he is my neighbor and it would be weird any way I think about it.

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Hehe, well then perhaps you should think twice before using a popular idiom for it's literal interpretation which happens to mean the opposite? Razz

Sorry, couldn't resist.

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stuh505 wrote:

Chai,

Thank you for sharing your successful tactics on avoiding contact. I apologize if my response is uncalled for, but it was really entertaining to read! I got a mental picture of you walking around measuring the distance to people with your fingertips, and a throwback to the lesson on "personal space" in gym class from like 4th grade. Being a man, this is certainly not the kind of thing I have ever had to think about. About the closest it comes is when a really big sweaty person wants to hug me, ugh...I think I just pinch my face up and let it happen.

oooooo....I noticed I made 2 mistakes in my other post...I meant to say any closer than an arms length apart I CAN'T see their whole body, so can't read their body language....2nd....I meant to say I DID NOT give the massager a hostile look, just one that met the eye and meant business.

Oh, I don't go around measuring body distances Stuh. I just know where I am, and how close I want someone else, especially a man I am not really close friends with, to get to me.

Years ago, I worked at a Nursing Home. There were plenty of elderly men who (ususally because of a declining mental state) had a habit of reaching out for a piece of ass walking by, or became transfixed by a breast of a stationary female. You just learn to dodge and weave when you're going down the hall, or how to stand a sufficient distance away so a groping hand doesn't latch on.

You make an interesting comment Stuh...saying that as a man, you never had to think about this....precisely. To you it sounds strange because chances are you've never, (or near to never) had a woman run her hands lightly down your ass while working, or had one suddenly cup your dick, give it a little squeeze, and then release. Then, on top of it all, have the woman act like nothing at all happened.

I'm sure many men would think this is their idea of some fantasy come true, but that's because it doesn't happen that much to men.....In reality, it feels exactly like what it is. Someone thinking that they can touch your body in an unwelcome way, without your permission, mostly because they think they can get away with it.

I have conflicting feelings about "touchy feely" people.

Part of me, especially if the touchy feely person is a female, feels that they must be totally dense and unobservant. Keep in mind the people I'm talking about are NOT close friends, or someone you've been looking forward to meeting, etc. I've seen plenty of people looking uncomfortable in the arms of one of these "touchie feelies", with an expression over the shoulder of this person that says "uh...WHY are they hugging me?"

Now, with men, I really don't believe in todays world they don't know not to be touching members of the oppostite sex without their permission. I believe deep down that many of them know what they're doing, but can easily enough claim "oh, I didn't mean anything by it"

That's why I've never felt I needed to make a big discussion about it with a man, because I really think they know, and they don't deserve my time getting into this whole big thing.

"Don't do that" says it all.

With woman who don't realize because they're involved in this whole love fest with the world...I've just point blank said "I don't really like hugging" If they don't understand that, it's not my job to make them understand.

Just like we teach children, remember...It's your body and you get to decide who touches it. Allowing others to do so when you don't want them to is not "being nice about it" It's putting yourself in an uncomforable position.

If they have the nerve to make me uncomfortable, I can certainly return the favor.

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Don't worry, I got your meaning about measuring the first time Smile

It was still a nice visual. I also particularly liked this visual:

Quote:

...had a woman run her hands lightly down your ass while working, or had one suddenly cup your dick, give it a little squeeze, and then release.

Now that would be something...if she were a gorgeous redhead, at least. I've definitely had my ass grabbed by a few chics, and I definitely liked it...but of course it's all completely uncalled for because noone has the right to do so without asking first. Nonetheless I'm glad they didn't Smile

Quote:

I believe deep down that many of them know what they're doing, but can easily enough claim "oh, I didn't mean anything by it"

Of course we know. It's a calculated decision. Do you actually get that line?

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Intrepid

Quote:

makemeshiver33,
It makes me cringe when I read/or hear somebody say, "Oh, it's just him" or "Oh, he is just like that." As if that makes their unwelcomed behaviour any less outlandish. If you accept the touching, it should be because you welcome it.....not because he is just like that. Those who are "just like that" get a lot of privileges that those of us with more couth do not.

I appreciate what your saying, and I understand. But at the risk of me having to go back 5 pages to reread what I wrote..lol, I said.."some people are touchy feely"..and they are. It doesn't mean we have to understand, or even like it.

My male friend is touchy feely. Do I mind?...No, because I have gotten to know him...and its not unwelcome.

In Marty's case, it is unwelcome...

And like I stated, and you also...."sublimal message"='s "body language".

As I suggested, Marty just needs to take a stance, stay out of arms reach...and watch how she reacts to certain things he's saying. He'll get the message, once she gets less friendly with him. And if that doesn't work...then by all means, just point blank tell him. "Get your hands off of me, I don't feel comfortable with you touching me!"

Now...on the subject of him knowing when she's coming and going...

Thats definetly creepy. He's watching her...this just tells me that he has more than the passing interest in her. And as someone else said.."He's testing the waters" to see if the interest might be accepted on the other side.

Stuh You laughed at my post on the behavior of men...when they are attracted to the opposite sex...LOL Well, its true. Watch a man that is interacting with a woman that he finds attractive and take notice of his behavior.

Women do it too, but they tend to play with their hair, bat their eye's...may even get hot...cheeks will get flushed, breathing will change somewhat. Start watching people and you'll see what I'm talking about.

Chai

Quote:

I have conflicting feelings about "touchy feely" people

I'm with ya on this....

Case in point: Years ago, we were close friends with a older man, that it never seemed to fail, would want to hug me..when we entered his house. What started out as a hug...years later ended up eventually becoming a full scale rub down. He'd start at my neck, run his hand down my back..until he had grabbed my ass. This wasn't accidental, it was on purpose. The first time he done it...I gave him the benefit of the doubt, the second time...well, just wasn't an accident. The third time, I had managed to turn my body away from him, and in the process stomped his foot, and tried to elbow him. I just shot him one of them evil wicked grins and took a seat. That was the last time he tried to grab my ass.....(Dirty old man) and the last time he offered to hug me.

And I do not like touchy feely women...or those that are in the habit of calling everyone they meet "Babe" or "Honey". I'm not yo "Honey" or yo "Babe". (Snickers~ Have I got a Waffle House tale for that one!)

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I agree with the snap, only I'd add nasty to that. He knows very well what he's doing and he's counting on your niceness to take liberties with you. His marital state is irrelevant, and I don't believe that you have to be giving 'come hither' signals, as someone else suggested, in order to have this happen to you. This is NOT about you, it's about HIM.

Some people just see what they want or don't care about what the other person wants. He has no respect for other people, at least for women, namely you and his wife.

He's disgusting and I'd be stomping all over him and telling him I'd be mentioning this to his wife if it happened again.

STOP IT NOW before it gets worse. And it could!

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Be careful, some guys are incredibly patient and will take months testing what you will or will not put up with. I don't like the sound of this, just be as unavailable as possible. As far as him watching your comings and goings, you could shout, Hi Perv everytime to come home. That's something I would do, but depending on the person, it might not work for you. And the next time he "accidently" lightly touches a part of your anatomy that's off limits, a loud "SKIPPY, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND, NOBODY TOUCHES ME THERE"

You also mentioned that if he were single you might go out with him, get that thought out of your head, this is not a healthy man who understands boundaries. Years ago, I dated briefly a seemingly nice man, who after a few dates started showing up at my place, usually sitting on the steps waiting for me to come home. Without any discussion, he decided we had an exclusive relationship and I couldn't turn around without seeing him. One Friday night after work, I decided to spend the night at my Mothers house, just picked up the baby from day care and sacked out over at Mom's. Saturday afternoon, I could hear the phone ringing before I even opened my door. He was in a towering rage, demanding an explanation, frankly a little scary (my first husband was an abuser, I was not going to get into that again. I told him where I had been, that he didn't ask about my plans so we didn't have plans as far as I was concerned. That went over big, he screamed into the phone that he was coming to my house and said if you do, you will be met by the police. I never let him near me or my house again. I was a lot younger back then, I think I'm better at spotting potential troublesome men, and believe me I have met plenty. So above all, be extremely careful. Wouldn't be a bad idea to get the sexual offender list in your zip code. My neighborhood was shocked when we checked out ours.

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I worded one of my posts wrong. What I meant to say before was that I would never date this guy even if he were single. No hesitation as far as me saying I would never date him

Quote:

If he were single I wouldn't think twice about dating him or allowing him to touch my butt.

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I'd hire someone or recruit a family member to do the work he has been doing for you out of kindness and/or romantic interest.

Then be firm but polite. Men get the hint quickly once you cut off their 'work'.

Too many complications if you allow him to keep doing things for you.
I hope you have already found alternate arrangements to have your work done.

If everything was totally comfortable for you, then I'd say 'go ahead and let him help'. Provided you help them as well, of course. It's never a good situation to allow a neighbor to do a bunch of heavy lifting without having an equal arrangement, I think. It puts you in a tough spot: possibly avoiding conflict bc you don't want the person to stop helping, you need them they don't need you thing, maybe the other getting an idea that you 'owe' them even if it is unsaid.

Maybe it is overcautious, but you can't really go wrong with way. I've heard waaay too many stories of men working their way in close to a woman who is a single homeowner by making themselves 'indespesible' around the house. Hey, also women taking advantage of this and using men and then bitching about the advances later! (Not accusing you of this, just saying I've seen it).

In my home town they call this "Widow Alert". Newly on-her-own woman with a house, and all the men rush in to 'help'.

Marty, any new developments? Any resolution yet? Take care.

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I can't tell you how many creepy things happened to me before I married my husband. I lived alone with my small son, and a number of times I had to call the police to check out some creep watching the house, or tossing rocks at my window once at 4 in the morning. I'm a heavy sleeper, but my next door neighbor was a policeman, so he chased him away. I could go on and on, I just want to pay attention to anything you find alarming, your instincts will keep you safe, don't let anyone disarm your instincts. Wouldn't hurt to get a little pepper spray.

I saw the correction you made about the earlier statement. I've done that before many times myself. Sometimes when we hurry we miss a few words. Gets me in a lot of trouble.

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As far as getting family to help...I have no family here. My closest relative is a 3 hour drive. I have really been trying to avoid contact with him lately. I don't want to take advantage of his kindness in any way. I really do appreciate all the help he gives me. Basically this is cutting my lawn when he does his own and using the blower to clean up leaves. I have to admit that I am concerned about my finances now that I'm on a single salary and would rather not hire a maintenance worker.

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glitterbag wrote:

Be careful, some guys are incredibly patient and will take months testing what you will or will not put up with. I don't like the sound of this, just be as unavailable as possible. As far as him watching your comings and goings, you could shout, Hi Perv everytime you come home. That's something I would do, but depending on the person, it might not work for you. And the next time he "accidently" lightly touches a part of your anatomy that's off limits, a loud "SKIPPY, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND, NOBODY TOUCHES ME THERE"

You also mentioned that if he were single you might go out with him, get that thought out of your head, this is not a healthy man who understands boundaries. Years ago, I dated briefly a seemingly nice man, who after a few dates started showing up at my place, usually sitting on the steps waiting for me to come home. Without any discussion, he decided we had an exclusive relationship and I couldn't turn around without seeing him. One Friday night after work, I decided to spend the night at my Mothers house, just picked up the baby from day care and sacked out over at Mom's. Saturday afternoon, I could hear the phone ringing before I even opened my door. He was in a towering rage, demanding an explanation, frankly a little scary (my first husband was an abuser, I was not going to get into that again. I told him where I had been, that he didn't ask about my plans so we didn't have plans as far as I was concerned. That went over big, he screamed into the phone that he was coming to my house and said if you do, you will be met by the police. I never let him near me or my house again. I was a lot younger back then, I think I'm better at spotting potential troublesome men, and believe me I have met plenty. So above all, be extremely careful. Wouldn't be a bad idea to get the sexual offender list in your zip code. My neighborhood was shocked when we checked out ours.

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Sorry folks, I thought I was correcting a miss-spelled word and wound quoting myself. Just ignore me.

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Overly friendly neighbor...

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