Overly friendly neighbor...

Dont accept gifts or offers of assistance.

I understand wanting to be nice, but I don't believe in sacrificing your own happiness for people that are annoying you.

Be forth and be rude, Marty!

If these complaints about this guy were being posted by a daughter of yours, what would you tell her to do about it Marty?

You need to look in the mirror and say to yourself, several times

"I am in control. No one has control over me."

Why is this man intimidating you?
Because he thinks he can!! He senses your vunerability.

If he tries ANYTHING again, say out loud, "Stop that! Do not touch me again." and walk away fast.

Yell and Tell - that's the Boy Scout motto.

P.S. I'd like to suggest Karate or self defense classes for you. You are a woman alone and need that self confidence. He may be a nut-case, but you are being sucked in way too easily.

Good luck and get strong.

I think you can use the divorce as a jumping-off point.

Something like,

"Look, I have always felt uncomfortable around you but I reasoned that you were happily married and I was maybe just reading too much into it. Now that you're divorcing, and your attention has gotten even more pointed, I feel like I have to say it outright to keep things from getting worse. You make me uncomfortable. I am not remotely interested in you in a romantic way -- I haven't been, and that won't change once you're divorced. I won't be accepting help or gifts from you from now on, and expect our contact to be minimal. [maybe spell it out here, less is better]

I apologize for being harsh but my attempts to convey this information through more subtle means do not seem to be working."

Then kick him in the nuts. That out to drive the message home

Oh. It's starting to make sense now. Things were probably rocky with his wife when he first started eyeballing and prowling you.

And you don't take pleasure in being a bitch. Ok, marty, let me at him! (just kidding).

So don't be a bitch. You can say to him "Well, thank you very much, so and so, for all the help you have given me at the house. I've appreciated it. Once these floors are done (or right now, if that's what you want), I won't be accepting any more help from you. You've done enough. Don't try to persuade me otherwise. I've made up my mind."

And if he starts into how he likes it, it's no trouble at all, just repeat "No, I've made up my mind."

And if need be, you can mention you are sorry to hear of his divorce (if he brings any of that up again as a way to try and give you an opening to jump in there! lol) , tell him " You seem like a nice man, but I am not interested. "

If he keeps pressing after that, I'm betting it will get easier and easier for you to be firm. Once you start saying what you want, and others walk right over it, it gets easier bc you heard your own self say it!

I just spent some time re-reading this thread which started about a year and a half ago.

martybaker, did you seriously read any of the things the original group of posters recommended? I'd have to guess no, because if you had, this wouldn't be happening again/still.

And the meal - what possessed you to accept a meal from the man? It seems that you're sending him quite a strong message of friendship/interest.

You were accepting his help to avoid the cost of a handyman. I think you're literally paying the price for that now. I can't imagine what your children have learned from that.

you want me and gus should take this guy for a ride in my big red truck? a little swamp tour? talk some sense into him and return him home a changed man?

Damn Girl....

Don't you realize that if the contractor is a friend of his, he's probably said to him "hey, lemme work with you over at martybakers house, I'm trying to get some of that"

why do you keep trying to make excuses for this guy?

Stop even thinking about saying phrases with the words "I'd prefer...." or "I feel...."

You don't need this guy around to help you....tell him "You've made me uncomfortable for over a year now, leave me alone, keep out of my yard, and I'm telling the contractor not to have you help him anymore."

He'll try to act all puzzled, don't get drawn into further conversation.

Cut it off.

Good Morning all,

I have read over the prior posts, and it helps me to have the advice in writing so I can re-read it and contimplate how I'm going to handle this. I'm more of an introverted person. I tend to keep my feelings on the inside until I feel it's safe to reveal my possible insecurities. I don't like to be mean to people. I'd really like to get my point across in a subtle way so no one has to feel uncomfortable. I've lived next door to the guy for 13 years and don't plan on moving any time soon.

As far as his wife goes, he was the neighborhood handyman before she came around. When they first married he was doing things for both myself and an elderly couple across the street.

As far as the thanksgiving meal, what was I to do when he just showed up at my door with a plate? I'm REALLY not trying to give this guy the wrong idea. I don't enjoy this attention.

Thanks for listening and thanks for the advice....again(sorry)

You're such a nice person marty but it isnt going to work on a hunter in hunting mode.

Spell it out for him.

Say, no thank you. No discussion. No thank you. No need to explain why you don't want the food. It's none of his business.

You need to stop him appearing at your door for any reason. He currently has the impression that he is welcome in your home and your life - and you have given him that impression by not taking any positive stance - other than taking advantage of his work/offers of assistance.

I know you say you don't want to be mean/unkind - but it does read as though you've encouraged his presence in your life. That could be considered as being unkind if you really didn't/don't like him.

Please make it clear to your contractor that your neighbour is NOT welcome in your home.


~~~


For many years I had a male friend who was part of my circle of friends.

We had a lot of fun together over the decades and shared a lot.

At one point, between his marriages, he arrived at my house for dinner with flowers, wine and "the glasses". The glasses were wineglasses that a queen of England had given his grandmother when she got married (her father had been the royal doctor). The glasses were handed down through the family. Now they were his. He told me he'd never felt comfortable using them with his first wife, but wanted to use them for the first time with me. It was a truly horrible moment for me. I didn't want to be rude, but I didn't want him to think I was "the one" to share the glasses or life with.

After a moment (that felt like an hour to me, but was probably really only seconds), I told him that I thought he should save the glasses to be used with someone who cared for him in a relationship the way he deserved to be loved and cared for.

It was a difficult thing to say as I knew it would hurt him in that moment - but better to make it clear as soon as I realized how he felt than to let it drag on because I was too uncomfortable to say something.

Being perceived as unkind should be the least of your concerns. Time to get this monkey off your back.

Just start saying No. Don't worry about being nice. He's not worried about being intrusive/invasive/making you uncomfortable/being inappropriate.

You don't have to get ugly about it. Beth's right - you don't owe him any explanations other than you don't want it (the help, the dinner, the conversation, etc).

Thanks, but no thanks, then firmly shut the door in his face.

If he bothers you after that, you'll have to take stronger measures because he's not listening.

Listen to the advice you're getting. Everybody is saying the SAME thing!

and has been since the summer of 2006

how about...."I just ate and no I really don't want to take it to eat later. Look, I'm on the phone right now and have to go.".....then you close the door.

You don't want to be mean, but you don't mind being treated like this for so long?

Wake up and smell the coffee. This guy knows it and is using this as a tool. It's the oldest strategy in the book "helping the little lady"

If you really don't enjoy the attention, you'd stop it.

That's all I have to say about that.

I agree with Chai....

Ain't said that in a bit, welcome back missy...

RH

(I'm very happy to see Chai posting again!)

Chai, Where have you been?? Thanks for posting here.

This makes me feel bad. I am posting on this topic because I feel that I'm stuck in a sticky situation. Yes, I know you've all told me to be blunt with him and have told me a year ago the same thing. Being blunt is very difficult for me. Think about something that is difficult for you to do. I have never said anything to encourage this man. Yes, it's obvious that he is coming around way too much.

Here is an example for you to tell me what you would do.
He has asked my son to help him hang the Christmas lights. This involves a very heavy extention ladder. Do I let him come over and do this with my son, hire someone to do it or go without lights on the house?

Of course, right now my own answer is to go without lights. But can you understand that what I have accepted from him in the past has been very innocent offers of help? I don't plan on asking him for anything else in the future, I just feel so uncomfortable about his lingering and the fact that we live next door to each other.

Marty, I can see that you're not being able to tell him off. Your neighbor
already knows this too, otherwise he wouldn't be that intrusive and overstepping his boundaries. He knows you're too nice to send him where
he belongs - to hell.

I also can see that it's very convenient to have a handy neighbor who
is readily there and eager to help, and it doesn't cost anything. But keep
in mind, that he'll be divorced soon and has plenty of free time and
a pretty neighbor in you to keep his fantasies and urges going. If you
don't stop him now, he'll be on your doorstep every night, once his wife
is gone.

Just don't put any lights on the house this year, decorate some bushes
outside your house, and that's it. Tell your contractor, that you don't
want anyone helping him who is not insured, licensed and on his workers
comp - like your neighbor.

If your neighbor rings your doorbell, don't open the door, just yell
out that your on the phone long distance. This way you don't have to
see him and be confronted by him. The next time, send your son or
daughter to the door to tell him that you're taking a nap. If you cannot
confront him then avoid him. It will be a nuisance at first, but he'll get
the picture eventually.