Mid-life crisis

Thanks so very much eva. I meant to include you in the list of helpful names, but I couldn't think of all of them. No, I didn't take offense, and I can understand the anger because I have it, too. (Believe me!)

Hubby took his lunch in to work today so that he wouldn't have to go out. Since Brenda knows all the restaurants he goes to (and goes to the same ones, since she only works a mile or two away from him) he didn't want to take a chance on running into her. So he stayed in at work and IM'd me instead while he was eating his lunch. We had a wonderful IM chat during his lunch hour. He's coming straight home, of course.

He said at lunch that I am truly the only person who has ever understood him, and that he is grateful that he has me to come home to. He says he is looking forward to watching "Survivorman" with me (our favorite show) and then playing a family card game or something. It will be a good evening.

Thanks again eva and everyone.

oh and by the way, it was hubby who asked for a transfer to another building a little over a mile away.....because he didn't want to work with her anymore. So that's a good sign, too.

I just wish they could transfer him across country. Ah well, this is better than nothing.

I've just read your post about getting back together, Freedom, and I have conflicting emotions about it.

On the one hand I am happy for you but on the other I can't help feeling that when you were describing what you were going through - the chest pains; your son offering to indict husband and Brenda on murder charges and all - it was only natural that we would begin to turn against your husband.

I don't apologise for what I said about wishing he would be more ******* sensitive because at the time it seemed like he was causing you unnecessary pain and I'm sure that's how everybody else felt too but at the same time I have been through this phase and I know that it is a compulsion, something that overrides your normal sensibilities.

It just seems to me that Nature is mad sometimes. Things that are built into the brain that must supposedly have been put there to protect us [evolution wise] actually end up doing us nothing but harm [I'm thinking of cases of truama where the brain shuts down, emotionally, in order to protect us from something that is too painful to cope with but how this actually leaves us outside of acceptable human coordination. Sorry if this seems like I'm getting off topic but I'm trying to say that the way we are designed is less than perfect and that this isn't just limited to a mid-life crisis].

Regarding Smorgs comments about involving family I would say from my personel experience that it doesn't take much at all for the whole "tribe" to turn against a blood "outsider". That's what families do. I'm sorry if this seems hard hearted but I don't actually care what they think of me. I don't value their respect because I know it can be snuffed out with just a word from my partner and what sort of respect is that anyway?

She has told them things in the past that have been as nothing compared to this but I was treated as a pariah by them so it would not be anything new.

It's my opinion that families are quite often selfish and that most of them would prefer her to be single because she is more often at their convenience or beck and call that way. My partner is a "giver" who finds it hard to turn away from anybody's calls on her emotional and practical attention. That's her "role" within the family set up and so she's the one who it is most adventatious for them to have living without a time-consuming relationship! I feel sure that they would take malicious pleasure in scorning my side of the story even if I were niave enough to try and explain it to them.

However, I may be prejudiced because "family" never gave me anything but problems and grief for as long as I can remember [excepting my late Gran, who bought me up], so personally, naturally I do not value these ties as much as somebody like Smorgs would.

I do value my own children immensely and hope to change the "family" tide with them and to always be supportive and on their side as they mature but even having said that if they were to try and influence what I do as regards my personel relationships and happiness I would make it quite clear to them that this is none of their business and I know better than anybody else what is best for me. I would expect them to respect that and I will endeavour to give them the same respect as regards personal relationships.

Sorry if I have ranted on abit here but this is something I feel strongly about!

You guys should all be social workers. ..... Or are you?

tino, I think it must have really been hard on you to have her family against you. I consider myself very, very lucky that I don't have the same hassles with my inlaws, and my husband actually feels closer to my mom than he does to his own. Perhaps this will help us where another couple could not cope. It is to your credit that you have that extra problem to deal with and somehow managed to cope.

Mame, I think the people here have helped me more than a counsellor. This has been wonderful for my ego, and just to have a shoulder to cry on. And I hope I didn't make you feel bad with my comments. I have appreciated your opinions too, and although I may have gotten a little defensive, I do understand them and a part of me feels that way, too. Thanks to all.

PS, hubby took me out today to buy some new clothes.....he told me to buy out the store, if I wanted to. It was a lot of fun. (Yes, I know he's bribing me, but I still enjoyed myself, hehe!)

Free ...You are not empowered to make me feel badly - only I can do that, and since I still stand firmly behind what I said, I don't.

My comments were merely MY opinion... another one, a differing one, to yours. Doesn't make my opinion any more right or wrong than anyone else's... So, don't you worry about offending me... probably isn't possible. And it was never my intention to offend you - merely to share...

Freedomelf--

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Hold your dominion.

Smurgs--

You have my sympathy.

mid-life crisis
Hello,
I just found your web-site. I am a 37 year old female and I think I am having a mid-life crisis. I seem to fit a lot of the symptoms. It is difficult to know. My husband is 6 years younger than I am so he doesn't understand what I am going through. Any advice?

bf, I am coming at this from the other side, so it is hard for me to know what to say. But one thing I do know, you really need to ask yourself how you will feel if you have an affair, find out that you do still love your husband, but he won't take you back.

Are you fully prepared to lose the life you have now, and the husband you have now? Are you sure that you would be able to cope if he stopped caring for you because you destroyed him, emotionally? Are you absolutely sure that you want to change things forever, with no going back to what you have now?

If you do decide to have an affair, or seek greener pastures with someone else, just be sure that you can't have greener pastures at home first. My husband now knows that if only he would have confided in me, we could have put more effort into our relationship and we COULD have made a go of it without so much horrible, gut-wrenching pain.

You have no idea what my husband has put me through....and what he was probably put the other woman through, as well. And he hates himself for it. He feels like a moron for not opening up to me before he ruined our lives, and made at least one of our sons hate him.

He is STILL putting me through hell, because even though he is living at home and sleeping in the guest room, he is STILL "confused". The madness that he felt with the other woman is still strong, and he still isn't sure what he feels for her. He ripped my heart out last night when he told me that he is missing her more than he realized he would, and that he "might have been hasty" in telling me that he loved me more than he loves her. I wanted to throw him out and tell him to go BE WITH HER, if he felt that way, and never come back.

But, on the other hand, I KNOW why he said that.......because he was talking with his appendage, and he knows that all he has to do is waltz back to Brenda's house and suddenly the bedroom door is open to him. Here, it isn't.....not until he is sure that he is over Brenda. Do I want to kick him out when I know he is thinking with his P****???? No......so I just sat there, stayed calm, and told him that when he was prepared to talk about things that were a little more productive, we could talk again. He went back to his room.

There ARE good times together....we had a great time on a "date" yesterday afternoon. We were laughing like kids. So I think it will get better......but on the other hand I am wondering if I will ever be able to compete with a "dream". That's all he has right now. He doesn't know her well enough for it to be anything else. The first few months he knew ME, I never would have let him see my flaws.....just like she hasn't let him see HERS yet. So naturally, she is at an unfair advantage. Yes, he is home.....but his image of brenda is so unrealistically perfect, that I am beginning to resent having taken him back.

But.....on the other hand....it's only been 3 days that he has been home. Not nearly enough time to figure out what he is doing. And I KNEW he would have "Brenda withdrawal" symptoms, so I guess I'm not surprised.

Believe me, bf.......please be very, very careful before throwing the life you have into the garbage, in exchange for something that you THINK might be better. Reality is never quite what you think it will be when it is still in the "dream" stage. And your opinion of your husband may be warped by years of knowing his flaws.....as opposed to someone new who will always seem so much better, because you won't see those things for a long, long time.

Do yourself a favor, and the next time you look at someone else, compare that person to the man you vaguely remember.....the one you married.....long ago. Don't compare anyone to the man you know NOW. It's unfair to do so. And even if you try to remember the man you married as he was then, be aware that the image has faded, as opposed to the fresh, new image of your fantasy love.

Anyway.....all this is just my humble opinion, coming from the other side.

Counseling is this week, right?

bfrgprncess, welcome to A2K. Maybe you'd like to start a new thread on that subject? It would probably be seen by more people.

Bfrgprincess--

Did you see this link from Phoenix?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/mid-life.html

I agree with Soz. Starting your own thread in this Relationships forum would be a good idea.

Freedomelf--

Your husband may be a great date, but he's still trying to exploit your soft shoulders and listening ears. When he courted and won you the first time, did he subject you to comparisons with other women?

He's "confused"? He wants you to listen? Your married life--aside from Date Night--still seems to be all about him, his confusion and his suffering.

I hope counseling puts some balance into your lives. Meanwhile, you might mention very sweetly that his vascillation is "confusing" you--in fact his confusion is hurting you.

Good luck.

Yes, our first session is tomorrow afternoon. I'm hoping everything will go well, but I'm beginning to steel myself for any revelations that may occur.

He is thinking with his you know what at the moment. Brenda is over there willing and waiting. That's all he can think about. Do men go through periods where they are absolutely gagging for it 24 hours a day? I think he has entered that realm.....more so because our bedroom door is closed for the first time in our lives, although I did give him a good 20 minute back rub.

Oh well....you know what they say.....hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.

thanks, noddy. No, he never did talk about any other women when we were first going together. I was all he ever really wanted, I believe.

I did tell him that I think he should be prepared for the possibility that by the time he "finds himself" and discovers that I am what he wants, it may be too late to get back the magic that was once ours. I'm tring very hard to be patient....but I told him that even the greatest love on earth is not a bottomless well when the other partner is blind to that love.

Anyway......I'm looking forward to counselling, but I am almost afraid that our almost 8 year age difference might be looked upon with disfavor. Who knows...what if the counsellor thinks he's too young for me, or is old-fashioned and thinks it's best when the man is older? And what if the counsellor thinks that my husband never got to "sow his wild oats" because he married me when he was just so young? It might color the whole session and make me feel like, well, you know. It might even cause my husband to think he SHOULD be with the other woman, instead of me.

I guess I am worried about a lot of things right now. I'll be glad when the first session is over, so that I can get a feel for things.

Freedomelf--

The marriage counsellor is not an arbitrator of Moral & Marital Virtue. He's not there to tell you--or your husband--what to do. He's there to teach both of you how to examine your feelings and how to rebuild a new relationship on the shattered structure of the old.

Now, have you gotten your backrub? Don't be surprised if the counsellor is very interested in your wounds--and why you are willing to try to rebuild the relationship. Why do you think this unfinished story is all about him?

freedomelf- I agree with Noddy. If the counselor starts interjecting his/her value system on you, get yourself another counselor. That would not be professional behavior, and borders on the unethical. The job of the counselor is to help you sort things out, not superimpose his/her opinions on you.

I think that you are projecting your own fears. You are a strong woman, who has a lot to offer. I think that you need to think of yourself as coming from strength, and that if your husband is not willing to shape up, kick him to the curb. I am sensing a great deal of defensiveness on your part.

Remember, you have done nothing wrong. It is your husband who not only turned his back on his marriage vows, but rubbed your nose in his affair. Your husband is the one who needs to be on the defensive, not you.

You are a mature woman. Right now, your husband is a blithering adolescent. Don't allow him to put you on the defensive. Good luck on your counselling session!

Thanks Freedomelf, you have great knowledge and advice. I am glad I found this website. You all seem like great people. Luckily I had asked myself those questions you asked me and for that reason I didn't end up having an affair. Also, I have been able to talk openly about this whole thing with my husband. It was a bit much to chew at first. No one can easily swallow the fact that their spouse is considering an affair. I am just thankful that I can say I didn't go through with it. So, he and I are trying to get our relationship back on track. It is difficult because we have four small children and no time for ourselves or each other.

Anyway, thank you! I will try to go to that other web-site.

I'm new at all of this. If I go to the relationships forum do I just e-mail at any time during the day or does the "forum" gather at a certain time? Thank you for the suggestion on which forum to go to.

No, no certain time. We have members from around the world, so there's no telling when someone will post. To start a new topic from here (you're already in the Relationships & Marriage forum,) just click on the "new topic" button next to "post reply." Very easy. Start with the subject line and give your new thread a title. Then post whatever you want to start it.

BTW, Hello!

I hear what everyone is saying, and yes, I am on the defensive, and I guess you are making me realize that I shouldn't be. You are right....I am projecting my own fears into the session. We have a male counselor, and I'm so afraid he is going to sympathise with my husband because he didn't get to sow his oats before we were married. I'm afraid he'll understand his needing to sow them now.

But I know I'm being stupid.....I guess I'm just so afraid. But I'm glad we are going to do it....I know how badly we need it, and the funny thing is, my husband has told me again last night that he is glad we are going to counseling. He desperately needs to talk about things with a guy, who will understand, and with me. I think that MAYBE he is thinking that if he can't convince me that what he is going through is normal, maybe another man can. It's possible that he thinks a male counselor might make me understand him better and not be so upset by what he has done....I don't know. But anyway, he is looking forward to it.

I wonder if he is in for a big surprise....perhaps the counsellor won't take his side at all?? I've never been to a counselor so I don't know what to expect. Well, I guess I'll find out soon.



Bf, I'm quite new at this too, but I think you just need to start your own thread there, without any specific time. And I am SO GLAD that you talked with your husband. With four little children, it must be really hard to get time alone to bring back the magic. I'm so glad you didn't tear all 6 lives apart. It would have been horrible. Good for you that you were smart enough not to do what my husband did! Good luck.

And by the way, Phoenix, thank you for the compliments. I really appreciate the ego boost....particularly now.